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I'm still here

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by nerdbrain, Jul 13, 2016.

  1. nerdbrain

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    So my wife and I are finally, finally, moving forward with the divorce.

    I'd been clinging to her for the last two years, missing her terribly but never having the confidence to try to reinstate the relationship. At the same time, my few experiments into gay life were unremarkable at best.

    Stuck in limbo, frozen in life, I did something I'm not proud of. I made a very inappropriate pass at her during one of our cuddling sessions, and she bolted, feeling violated. It wasn't premeditated; it just kind of happened. She texted me the next day to say she wanted to file the papers.

    Was it disgustingly passive aggressive? Yes. Was I afraid to make the decision myself so I provoked her into doing it for me? Yes. Did I disrespect her and myself? Yes. But it's done now.

    Now comes ... what, exactly? My sexuality is still a mess. I don't have consistent attraction to anyone, male or female. I feel like a complete loser around my friends (and everyone else). I'm ashamed of everything: the way I behaved with my wife, my inability to come out as gay, my gay fantasies themselves, my ineptitude with women even though I still find them attractive.

    I am just so tired and frustrated and lonely and angry, mostly at myself. After all, it's nobody's fault but mine. I've let my anxieties and insecurities define my life. I pissed away a loving relationship for what? To come out and live free as a gay man? On the contrary, I don't feel like I have any identity at all.

    When I'm alone I just stay in bed mostly. I don't see any reason to go outside. I understand there is no value in wallowing in my own failure. But I don't want to drag that failure out in public, either. I can't envision any scenario that would make me happy. Even when I imagine being in some beautiful place like Santorini or Hawaii, I know I'd just feel worse for not being able to appreciate it. Clearly, something is deeply fucked up in me.

    So why am I even writing this miserable fucking post? I really don't want sympathy or advice (yes, I'm in therapy and on meds). I guess I just need to make some kind of noise that reminds me I'm still alive. Like an animal that's trapped and wounded and howling. Maybe just acknowledgement: I'm still here.
     
    #1 nerdbrain, Jul 13, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 13, 2016
  2. BeeLee

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    I'm glad your still here. Maybe it is time that you howled to the world and let yourself be free of all these binds that you are in. Selfishness is sometimes necessary, so why don't you explore it and see if something good comes from it? You can make the life that live, so let it be a good one.
     
  3. caliwoman

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    I'm sorry you are feeling this way.

    When my situation feels like a big old yarn of fuck-up (that's my situation, not judging your's), I try and concentrate on untangling one string at a time. When I'm down and out, I try and change my perspective. I try and see something hopeful in the situation and build on that. I'm big on "mirror what you admire."

    So what do you admire or find attractive in other men? Can you begin to go to the gym? Take up a hobby? Join meetup.com?
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    I, too, am glad you're still here. Is it possible you are demisexual as well as either gay, bi, or pan? That could explain the inconsistencies with attraction. Maybe you need some closure on the marriage to truly feel free? Hang in there. It's a rocky road, but it will lead somewhere.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    NB

    I'm glad that you are still here.

    As for the rest, right now I need to focus on driving me to the next level.

    I hope you discover your athentic self.

    Best,
    SF
     
  6. FalconBlueSky00

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    I feel your actions were human. While the results may not be awesome, reaching out for human interaction/ affection isn't a bad thing. I'm glad you are here!
     
  7. nerdbrain

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    Thanks to everyone for their responses. Rosepetals, my shrink says the same thing -- I need closure on the marriage to move on. Maybe that's what's holding me back.

    I feel like I'm perversely holding on to pain and depression. These things have become my friends in a way, my excuses for not living life. I don't want to get out of bed to do anything. Every single thing feels like an annoying obligation; I can't wait to get home and climb back into safety.

    I've been like this my whole life, to some degree. I always liked to sleep and hated getting up to do almost anything. But it seems to be getting worse and worse.
     
  8. Nickw

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    Nerdbrain

    I am so sorry that you are suffering so with this depression. I am sure you know that depression is not something that you are responsible for. It is an illness. Many of us (I am a big offender of this) have a tendency to believe that we can somehow advice those that are depressed on ways to "snap out of it" or "all you need to do is this". Hollow advice, but well meaning.

    With that said, I still can't help myself. I see you struggle with your sexuality and acceptance of it. But, I have to wonder if you cannot get to the bottom (sorry!) of this until you are in a better place emotionally. I get this feeling that you may be using the issues with accepting your sexuality as an excuse, or a reason, for the other emotional issues in your life. Can you set this aside for a while and just be Nerdbrain...not gay Nerdbrain or straight Nerdbrain just be Nerdbrain without a label.

    You seem to be a really great, witty guy with a sense of humor and compassion. That all comes through on this forum. I hope you can learn to see this when you look in the mirror.
     
  9. nerdbrain

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    Thanks Nick. I guess I've never really tried to just observe my attractions without interpreting their meaning in any way. Perhaps that would help.

    Also, I saw you posted on my wall but I wasn't able to reply or even to see your wall -- perhaps it's a setting of some kind?
     
  10. SiennaFire

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    Have you considered the possibility that your denial is either the root cause of or a significant contributor to your anxiety and depression? For me it was a significant contributor that pushed me over the edge. Now I can handle much higher levels of stress because I don't divert mental energy to maintaining denial.
     
    #10 SiennaFire, Jul 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2016
  11. nerdbrain

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    Yes, this is exactly right.

    I guess I've always expected the denial to just go away by itself. I've never wanted to actively engage in any effort to accept.

    My philosophy has been something like, "If I'm gay, so be it. If I'm wired that way and my desires drive me in that direction, I won't fight it -- but I'm damn sure not going to help it along."

    Like, if I'm the "victim" of my gay feelings, then it's OK because I had no choice. But if I make an effort to accept that part of me, it feels very wrong, like treason.
     
  12. SiennaFire

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    There's so much internalized homophobia and shame reflected in this passage. This articulates well your impasse, and I wish I could help you get past this. I would take this passage to your therapist and discuss it at your next therapy session.

    The reality is that the denial will not automagically go away. You need to actively engage and confront your denial as a way to thaw it and break down the walls of your closet brother.

    :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:ride:
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Jul 14, 2016
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  13. brainwashed

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    Yep sounds like you are progressing nicely. Been there, done that. It will get better I assure you.
     
  14. Closeteer

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    We're all rooting for you, NB :slight_smile:

    Glad that you felt like sharing - that itself is nice! Whenever things tend to get you too down, do keep in mind all the people here who genuinely care for you, even if in a strangely digital way.

    Have you read The Family at Red Roofs? I somehow feel you should read that book. It might help. There's nothing even remotely gay about it. But it's one of the most gently moving tales written about overcoming adversity. Give it a read if you can!

    Love and best wishes,
    C
     
  15. Justasking100

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    Nerdbrain, I totally get you and I feel your pain. You don't seem straight from what you write - sorry if that's not what you want to hear. What I would say is that I think you need to take a leap of faith and start dating guys. My therapist says how hard it is to determine the difference between someone with OCD where sexuality is an issue and someone with severe internalised homophobia and is gay. Ultimately no one can tell you but from what you wrote I agree with sienna is that you don't want to be gay but aren't happy being straight either - otherwise why else are you in this position. I think you need to keep pushing yourself into the gay community continue to meet people and focus on how this makes you feel. You've nothing to lose by this.

    The main problem appears to be that you don't want to be gay. I totally get that. But it's not a choice and sometimes you've got to start playing the hand you've been given. I know you've tried a few times to engage with the gay community and even tried fooling around with a couple of guys but I'd suggest keeping on going. The answer is out there somewhere or even within yourself but I'd say that your focus should be on making yourself happy and doing whatever it takes to do that. Saying that if your gay you are not going to help yourself with it wont help.

    You say that you fantisise about both sexes don't you? Does one of the sexes give you better orgasms for example? Having split from your wife could you ever envisage dating another girl?
     
  16. nydtc

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    Someone talked about self acceptance opening the window to same sex attraction outside of sex. I can say that was totally the case with me. I might have looked at a guy on the street but not really in a "hey he is sexy" standpoint before I truly accepted myself. These days it's a wonder I make it to work without ripping off the suits of some hot midtown dudes.
    Hang in there- all becomes clear.
     
  17. brainwashed

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    Dont know if this is a solid rule, but one pretty much has to hit rock bottom before they can rebuild.

    I just posted a post about Elton John and an interview he just give. One of the only interviews he'r ever done. He said during his "dark time" music saved him. Find what you love and do it.
     
  18. nerdbrain

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    Yes, I know. I'm not saying I'm straight. It's like, I know I'm gay, but I haven't made it real. And it's been baffling because I don't walk down the street and want to rip guys' clothes off or anything. There just hasn't been a strong impulse to follow, but maybe it's because I'm so repressed. Hopefully closing the loop on the divorce may free me up psychologically.

    Thanks to everyone for your support. Sometime I write when I'm at my lowest, but you all still manage to put a positive spin on things!
     
  19. nerdbrain

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    Ha! My original title for this post was "Hitting bottom." (No pun intended)
     
  20. greatwhale

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    Hey NB,

    If you haven't already, I invite you to read my blog entitled "Katabasis". I suspect that there may be some confounding of both your marital breakup and your self-discovery. The idea of katabasis is that it is a necessary tunnel to pass through, it isn't pleasant and you will likely discover that the person who once loved you can turn into a fierce and formidable opponent.

    You mentioned above that once the divorce is through, you may find the freedom to explore what you need to explore. I agree, it is important to set aside the emotional impediments to your freedom and to find the time to challenge your bedrock beliefs in a more straightforward manner...so to speak.
     
    #20 greatwhale, Jul 15, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 15, 2016