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It seems to me that...

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016.

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  1. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    I'm starting, I think, to see some things I haven't seen before. Like gaining more insight as to why, myself being gay, and having always been in straight relationships, why so much is lacking in those straight relationships.

    It's not like gender of my partner has rendered me incapable of loving them, building true friendships, having fun, even enjoying sex.

    It's something else, and you guys are going to say - this again? It's vulnerability.

    It's this sort of raw desire to connect with another human being, emotionally, physically, that for whatever reason exists more strongly with one gender versus the other. And when we're feeling this vulnerability and we're willing to take that risk, (ok now I'm just going on instinct, based on experiencing just glimpses of this), we are able grow exponentially in terms of our own emotional selves, and we can build emotional connections, which can lead to partnerships that are richer, stronger and more in tune with our deepest emotional needs.

    I'm not far in my exploration at this point but I'm feeling some things as I go along here that give me this impression about what's been missing in my life.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 14, 2016
  2. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    I'm not sure I fully understand - Feeling more comfortable being vulnerable with one gender than the other?
     
    #2 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
  3. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    No I feel more like I am more vulnerable with one gender versus the other. Because my need and desire to emotionally and physically connect to them is stronger, therefore it's a greater desire and a greater emotional risk.
     
    #3 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
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  4. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    I would say that I've always been more vulnerable with other women, but to a point, you could say that's true for a lot of women. Historically, women have always had advice and support networks, and discussed things that they wouldn't discuss with men, etc.

    I'm not disagreeing with you, just not sure I understand.
     
    #4 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
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  5. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    I know what you mean. But telling a woman who I'm starting to really like, how I feel about her, and going in for that kiss, the risk and reward of that, feels totally different than what you're describing.
     
    #5 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
  6. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    The stakes are higher because you're more invested?
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
  7. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    Yes, I feel I care about it and need it more on a very raw emotional level.
     
    #7 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
  8. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    And that's something inherent in you, rather than formed out of circumstances (i.e. having invested a lot of energy in questioning)? How do you make that distinction?
     
    #8 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
  9. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    Yes its inherent in me, I'm at the point where I know I'm gay, and this is part of that.

    There a couple of things that tell me this:

    Because in this new experience, with this new woman l, I kind of have this feeling of "I know this feeling, I've felt it with other women, but i buried it deep". That's a really awkward way of saying what I'm trying to say.

    Because there are other things that echo this sense of vulnerability, just simply acknowledging I am gay for example, feels so vulnerable and so right.

    Because it doesn't feel like desire like horniness, sorry for being crude, it feels like I need to feel like you feel what I feel, I like you and I want that to be returned. But in a far greater strength than I've ever felt with a man.

    I feel like there are other things, but I'll have to think about it.
     
    #9 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
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  10. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    OK, I think I understand.

    It's not something I ever felt with my partner, but I had a female friend that I really wanted to be closer to, and I wanted her to want it to, but it always seemed like she had a wall up.

    But you're feeling this for a specific woman, and not just any woman, yes?

    I hope you didn't mind my questions. :slight_smile: I'm not so good at picking feelings and emotions apart.
     
    #10 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
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  11. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    I've also never felt this with my male partners, I've known this kind of thing was missing for a long time but never could articulate it.

    And yes, I'm feeling this for a specific woman... But she's not the first woman I've felt it for, just the first one I've been willing to acknowledge that and to take the emotional risk with.

    ---------- Post added 14th Jul 2016 at 02:11 AM ----------

    And of course I don't mind your questions :slight_smile: you're helping me articulate things as well, always a good thing.
     
    #11 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
  12. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    If it's not a silly question; how do you know it's not the going against the norm, for lack of a better expression, in being with a woman that heightens the feeling of risk?

    I'm not sure I've put that very well.
     
    #12 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
  13. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    It's not that kind of risk I'm feeling. It's like, you make my chest feel warm, fuzzy, I want to just be a little closer to you, I really want you to want that too; or like when I look at your face I just want to touch it or to feel your skin against mine, and I want to just think about how good it feels to be near you, I really want you to want that too, please want that too.
     
    #13 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
  14. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    There's risk because they have the power to make you happy or sad, in simple terms.
     
    #14 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
  15. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    Yup. And it's just at a level I've not felt with a man before, not quite at this depth and/or not quite in the same way.
     
    #15 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
  16. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Well, I hope it goes how you want it to. :slight_smile: Weren't you meeting her yesterday evening? Is that what's inspired this thread?
     
    #16 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
  17. baristajedi

    baristajedi
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    Thanks!

    Yeah, we met up yesterday. Our date was...kind of amazing. :icon_redf
     
    #17 baristajedi, Jul 14, 2016
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  18. silverhalo

    silverhalo
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    Do you not think that this is all because you have more to lose than in a relationship with a man, because you want it more.
    For example when I was first coming out I found it often easier to come out to people I'd only just met because if they shunned me I wasn't going to lose the friendship so much because it was new. This compared to long term friendship which I felt would cause me greater loss. I'm not sure this is the best example but it was the first one that popped into my head.
     
    #18 silverhalo, Jul 14, 2016
  19. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Aww, that's lovely. :slight_smile:

    You don't have to answer this, and I hope you don't mind me asking, but I'm interested to know how you're handling it; how much are you sharing with your husband?
     
    #19 LostInDaydreams, Jul 14, 2016
  20. OnTheHighway

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    I think your definitely heading in the right direction on this. Your taking your emotional wall down and letting your self open up to both YOURSELF and others. You have needed to protect yourself and feel secure, and hence you built the wall to being with. Now, you are letting both YOURSELF and others get in touch with whom you really are.

    In essence, it was not your husband that neglected you during your relationship, you neglected YOURSELF.
     
    #20 OnTheHighway, Jul 14, 2016
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