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Separating relationship issues from sexuality issues

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LostInDaydreams, Jul 15, 2016.

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  1. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    I struggle with the idea of separating issues in my current relationship from my sexuality. I can see the advantage of separating them for clarity, but there has to be some overlap, doesn't there?

    Over the course of my relationship, I've always held some low-level resentment towards my partner because things weren't the way I thought they should be. The relationship didn't meet my ideas of what a relationship should be.

    In some things (i.e. teaching our daughter to call me fat, etc.) I can see that the issue is not linked to my questioning/sexuality, but in other areas I find it hard to draw that distinction. I feel like I've lost sight of how good or bad my relationship actually is.

    I can see now, that from the very beginning of our relationship I haven't been open and honest with my partner. I didn't want to risk our relationship. I didn't want to give an opinion or share an idea that he might not agree with. For example, rather than raise the issues in our sex life, I put up with unsatisfactory sex and quietly cried about it for years. It's something that I always held against him, but really I'm at fault for not raising the issue, not communicating during sex.

    I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say, or if I'm trying to say anything in particular. Just trying sort out the fog in my head.
     
    #1 LostInDaydreams, Jul 15, 2016
  2. RosePetals76

    RosePetals76
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    I don't know what to tell you, other than there is a difference between love and sexuality and coming to terms with that difference is what helped me not feel like a liar any more.
     
    #2 RosePetals76, Jul 15, 2016
  3. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Thank you, I'm not really sure what I was asking.

    It's hard to admit, and makes me a horrible person, but I'm not even sure that I was in love him. I'm not sure that I've ever said it and meant it. It's always felt a bit awkward and forced.
     
    #3 LostInDaydreams, Jul 15, 2016
  4. Chip

    Chip
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    It doesn't make you a horrible person to acknowledge that you might not have been in love with him ever. There are lots of people who don't have a good understanding of themselves and it can take years, sometimes decades, to unravel and understand that.

    Also, it sounds pretty obvious to me from what you've described that you have some pretty significant issues with self-esteem and asking for what you need. This, too, impacts your ability to be in a healthy relationship.

    It sounds like it might be a good time for you to consider entering therapy. I'd also suggest checking out Brené Brown's three TED talks (available on Youtube)... "The Power of Vulnerability", "The Price of Invulnerability" and "Listening to Shame". I think you'll find the information in all three to be really helpful and influential for you.
     
    #4 Chip, Jul 15, 2016
  5. CameOutSwinging

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    I could have easily written this (with some of the specifics changed).

    Since the beginning of my relationship with my SO, there have been plenty of red flags to say that maybe it's not the best relationship. Yet the issue that pulled us apart and that continues to be the thing that we are focused on is my sexuality. It's like we're deciding if my sexuality can be accepted and then we can try to work through all of the other issues. Truth is, those other issues are plentiful and if I were straight as an arrow, they would still be good reasons to consider us incompatible. Some of them are even arguably fundamental and won't be "fixed" even if my sexuality is accepted (like her tendency to put work before anything else, including me...it's not an inherently bad trait, but it is one that I dislike).

    That said, I am also somebody who has and still will sometimes hold back on disagreeing with her out of fear that it will risk the relationship. There's many things, some even quite stupid, that I didn't tell her for a long time because I thought her reaction to it would be negative and she'd leave me. I'm not even sure that I'm entirely incorrect, but that still means it isn't a very healthy relationship if you have to walk on egg shells around the other person.

    I've been reading a lot about codependency lately. I know I'm a very codependent person, not just with my SO but in general. I see it and I don't like it, so I am doing what I can to try and change it now. I think this fits into that codependency. I'm still so scared to lose my SO that I'm willing to ignore the "fixable" issues that aren't making me happy and telling her that I will wait as she makes her decision if she can accept my sexuality, which isn't going to ever change. And why? Because I'm scared to lose her and be alone.

    One thing I've realized lately is that I suck at negotiating. And the reason is because when I decide I want something, I do whatever I can at whatever cost to actually get it. That to me is actually not a positive thing. Negotiating means being willing to walk away empty handed so that you're not giving up everything just to get this one thing. I see that now.
     
    #5 CameOutSwinging, Jul 15, 2016
  6. LostInDaydreams

    LostInDaydreams
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    Chip, thanks for your reply.

    Yes, I think this is fair. Not easy to read though, and not something I like to acknowledge.

    Thank you. I will definitely check out the TED talks, and will think about therapy.

    COS, thanks for your reply too. I can relate to a lot of what you've said. Like you, I feel that my relationship has plenty of issues that would make it reasonable call it a day, without any sexuality issues thrown in. I also know what it's like to feel second place to work.

    I've consider codependency before too. I'll have to look into it more. I'm terrified of being alone, living alone. It does hold me back from ending my relationship, or even just discussing that I've been questioning. Looking forward, I don't feel that I'd be able to build the sort of relationship that I really want because of these issues.
     
    #6 LostInDaydreams, Jul 15, 2016
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