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I did get it all

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Nickw, Jul 16, 2016.

  1. Nickw

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    I originally posted several months back with a thread titled "I want it all". In that thread I wrote that I was a closeted bisexual who wanted to do some same sex exploration while staying married to the woman I adored.

    I received a bunch of great advice from this forum on accepting my sexuality, becoming comfortable with my sexual needs, maintaining honesty and some tips on coming out to my wife. Most of all I learned the importance of communication.

    So, I did come out to my wife and it was the second best thing I ever did (marrying her was the first). Our intimacy is the best it has ever been. I feel like I am newly married again. The quality of our entire relationship has improved.

    With this acceptance, I began to open up the gay parts of my personality and begin to express this in all aspects of my life. I am more open with everyone. More accepting. More humor. With my wife's urging, I have begun to develop gay friendships. I attended Pride and just returned from a gay campout with 50 other guys.

    This week, my wife and I took another step. Time for me to begin exploring my gay sexuality. We decided that our marriage was strong enough for me to have sexual relationships with other men. There are rules and limits and I need to continue to make her needs and our marriage the top priority.

    Thirty years of pent up demand. I have already shared some sexual intimacy with another guy. I tell my wife everything and we are making this part of our normal dialogue. So far she is, actually, enjoying hearing about how excited I am about my new discoveries.

    I think the reason my wife is so accepting is that she knows that I would do anything for her, continue to be the best husband I can be, and be just totally honest about everything. It has been a process. Some tears, a lot of laughs and teasing, and a lot of relationship work to get here. But, I really think it is going to work!
     
  2. HereWeGo

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    Dude! This is so amazing to hear! I'm so happy for you... and I admit a little jealous. How wonderful that you finally got to explore this other "you" that's been hiding for so many years. I wish all spouses were as accepting as yours is... then again, I bet there are a lot of spouses who wish their newly outed gay partners were as loyal as you are to your wife.

    So amazing! I'm beaming for you!
     
  3. RosePetals76

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    Congratulations! It's so good to hear how happy you are.
     
  4. SiennaFire

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    Congratulations Nick! Life is amazing when we live true to our authentic selves.

    This made me cringe, and it feels like some of the dynamics of Dangerous Liaisons are going on here (Valmont: "I can see I'm going to have to tell you everything"). I hope you consider the feelings of the other guy if you are sharing everything. I would not want to get physical with you if I knew that you were going to share our intimate details with your wife. Perhaps you need to rethink the boundaries with your wife?
     
    #4 SiennaFire, Jul 17, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 17, 2016
  5. Godless

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    That's incredibly inspiring. I'm in an earlier version of something similar. I've basically just now told my wife and am slowly coming out. I'm so happy for you. Life is good.
     
  6. Nickw

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    Siennafire

    Total honesty and communication includes the guys too. I am not going to share the intimate private details about anyone. But, I am letting my wife know when I have been out. She also needs to know what I have done in general terms. But, I will respect the privacy and discretion of any partners.

    I am very careful!
     
  7. Pete1970

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    Wow!!
    You really have a special wife. I am not even allowed to talk or text another guy, not even to go to support groups. No way I would even be allowed to have gay friends at all, and definitely no sexual contact.

    You are a lucky guy
     
  8. Nickw

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    Godless and Pete

    My wife encouraged, at first, my expressing my gay side by making platonic friends and becoming involved with the gay community. We also increased our intimacy and brought some gay fantasies into our bedroom. I think she hoped that would be enough.

    But, we soon realized it was not enough for me. At this stage in my life...mid-fifties...it became clear that I needed to be with men to be fulfilled. I am fortunate that my wife seems to be able to see that my need for gay sex does not have anything to do with our relationship. It sounds odd to say that but we have had several 3 hour conversations where we worked on defining what our marriage is...not what it should be by societal dictates. We have never had the classic husband wife relationship...why have this one thing where we stay in "line" with what is expected?

    I would encourage both of you to find some way to express your gay sexuality. It is a time bomb. I became angry with my wife because I could not be gay. I became some other person...and not a good one. Being out (at least to my wife and some friends) has allowed me to express my whole personality. Closeted, I think I was hiding more than my sexual identity.
     
  9. Tomás1

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    Congrats Nick! Being bi, I've been on a similar path for years, w many twists & turns. Sexuality is such a mysterious energy, being attracted to a guys energy, his looks, his personality … w the nuances of age, body, top/bttm, attitude - all those dynamics & more. 100% of our fantasies are rarely if ever available … I imagine u know that. All we can do is be open w love & the energy of desire … tempered by our hearts & caring for all.
    Tomas
     
  10. dirtyshirt84

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    Nick, that's awesome! Your wife sounds so cool and you sound like you have a lot of trust in your relationship and that you are able to communicate really well (the key to any good relationship, really, I think!).

    How was it being sexual with a guy again after so long, if you don't mind me asking? :slight_smile:

    I hope to eventually get to a place like this with my husband, although we have not been married nearly as long and definetly need to communicate better.
     
  11. Nickw

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    I think the length of my marriage makes a big difference. And, there is no family unit to protect. Both big reasons that make it easier for us.

    My foray into same sex was pretty limited since I really want to be safe and trusting. It was fun more than sensual! I will learn...sort of the idea!!!
     
  12. NewHaircut

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    I could not agree more. Pete, I feel for you, not being able to get to support groups. Even though my marriage has been over for some time now, I've found having platonic relationships with gay friends has been the key to self acceptance and self discovery.

    Keeping that side of me hidden, the more I think about it, played a huge role in my alcohol and substance dependence, which in turn played a huge role in my marriage breakdown. And in basically making me turn into a self absorbed asshole!

    Thing is, when I first came out as bi to my wife, she *encouraged* me to get support, gay friends and really explore that side of myself. Suffering from intense internalised homophobia however, I never took up on her suggestion, and I began rotting away inside instead.

    I'm happy now, but I put myself through a lot of unnecessary pain to get here...
     
  13. Godless

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    Yesterday it finally dawned on me what the problem was with our relationship. Sexually she knew my gay turn ons but didn't want to top me. I was resenting her, because I would ask her to stop doing that unless she wanted to strapon. She would just keep doing that anyways because she saw it excited me. I started having performance issues and resenting her. She would only want to have standard missionary with maybe some foreplay. She has gained some weight because of a thyroid problem and I thought I was losing physical attraction to her because I'm shallow. Not so much, but I kept asking for certain things and felt like she wasn't into it and rejected me. I became really mean to her and she felt something was wrong. It was nothing we could put into words. I take care of her completely because she is disabled completely from sickness. Coming out fixed our bedroom problems at least. I want to have a threesome and go experiment, but I don't feel the need to rush it because our relationship needs time to heal for a short while. I'm so happy, life is amazing. I think she will be ok with opening up later.
     
  14. Nickw

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    Hey Godless

    Really great to hear you are out to your wife and really beginning to accept yourself. Kudos for taking care of her.

    Reading some of your other posts I saw that you seem to have a thing for another friend. It sounds like that could be serious. If you feel very strongly for this guy, this may make an open marriage a lot harder to maintain. And, reading your posts, I have to ask if you have considered that you are really gay and not bi? Would you be happy without the possibility of an intimate and emotional relationship with another man? Are you attracted to other women?

    See, for me, the gay sex is a WANT. I can live my life without actually getting down with a guy. That doesn't mean I don't feel like I could have an emotional and intimate relationship with a man. I know I can...I'm bi. It's just that I can, and have, been very happy being monogamously married to a woman. My gay sex playing is an addition to my relationship with my wife...it is not a substitution. I think it is important to be able to recognize the subtle difference.

    If your "gay" affects your ability to be with your wife, both intimately and emotionally, I would seriously consider really getting to the bottom of your sexuality. Maybe get some counseling with an LGBT friendly therapist.
     
    #14 Nickw, Jul 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2016
  15. Godless

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    I'm confused now. On one hand you said you needed to have sex with men and on the other you say you would be fine if you didn't. I'm pretty sure I'm on the verge of a panic attack right now because I'm at work and really confused. I want to cry and I'm struggling to keep it together. I know I'm very attracted to women. Sometimes I feel like topping and sometimes I feel like a bottom. I'm content to be with my wife. I thought gay sex was important for bisexual people. Am I reading this wrong?
     
  16. Nickw

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    For each of us it is different. I didn't mean to freak you out. Only to get you to really think about your sexuality. It is important to really understand where you are on the bisexual spectrum when you are developing an open marriage.

    Yes. I am totally hot for guys. That's what bisexual is. But, it is important to be sure that you still do have sexual desires for your wife too and that sex with guys will not take that away. If it does, then it may not be fair to your wife. If my wife would have said "no play" that would have been a frustration but not a deal breaker for me.

    You mentioned that "straight sex" with your wife was not providing what you needed. That you wanted her to do "gay sex" with you or you had "performance issues". This is what made me wonder a bit. I may be mis-interpreting what you wrote.

    Look, we are all just anonymous posters here. We really don't know each other. So, you have to take that in the context that it was presented...as a question.
     
    #16 Nickw, Jul 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2016
  17. Godless

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    Sorry I am freaking out for unrelated reasons right now. Not completely unrelated but I got to work today and I feel like everyone is about to find out. I really appreciate the help. I don't want to compromise my.marriage and I can wait to heal for awhile before I try something like that. Sorry again.
     
  18. Nickw

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    Don't apologize to me. This forum is great. One of the best things someone did to me was to ask me to really look at my sexuality. He questioned my "bi-ness". This caused me to take a look at a lot of the aspects of my relationship with my wife and what I really felt. The other thing it did was allow me to accept that being bi for me is recognizing that I am also gay.

    I am still working on allowing myself to be gay. When I am with a man I am not trying to make it all about the mechanics of sex. I am opening up to my "gayness" if you will. This weekend, at a gay event, a guy came up to me and told me that my town had the "hottest homos" I almost bolted at the label! I started say I wasn't gay, I was bi. But, I decided to wear it.

    This is a growth process for all of us.

    Fear of being discovered is tough. I did the same thing. Today, after outing myself to such a huge group of people over the weekend, I was a bit freaked myself. But, then I realized no one really gives a s**t!
     
    #18 Nickw, Jul 18, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 18, 2016
  19. Godless

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    I snapped earlier. Someone at work told me the music I was listened to was gay and I retorted what I always do even before I knew, I guess I'm gay then. I had a really good delivery, but he laughed and it pissed me off. Not sure why. Then an hour later, I started thinking everyone was about to know and the anxiety crushed me. Then someone said something really insensitive about my wife, and I snapped. So I ran away and hid in our lounge and couldn't calm down. I recently met a pan friend and when she finally texted me back, she calmed me down and the gym helped. But I know I'm not gay. My performance issues were from the resentment I had with my wife and once the resentment was healed everything worked twice as good as before.
     
  20. Nickw

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    Good to see that you still continue to find your wife desirable and are able to continue to maintain intimacy. Really important if you are looking at opening your marriage.

    If you were gay would that be a bad thing for you? For me, there is not a difference. I can feel the same way for a guy that I can feel for a woman. I think it's cool.