So I posted earlier about wanting to have kids, and I realized only in hindsight how negative my tone was. And I admit, I was feeling pretty bad when I wrote it. I felt a wave of regret and anger for not being in a position to even think of having kids before. But why? I'm starting to realize that as I take each step I want to live a fuller life, I feel regrets. Now, am I behind when it comes to having kids? Truthfully, not really. I know a number of people about my own age who want kids but who don't have any yet. For them, education and careers came first. (I had those as well as a big dollop of self-loathing, but the outcome was nearly the same.) So what to do about it? I know I can't avoid these triggers. Can I stop them from triggering negative emotions? Maybe. But I don't know.
It's OK for us to grieve what could have been. You can give yourself permission to feel grief. It will not last forever. (*hug*)
In traditional stoicism (and in may other coherent and clear-eyed philosophical approaches found in certain religions) negative emotions are something to be avoided. There are several approaches to this, but the following two are, to my mind, the most effective: 1) If some event is out of your control, why spend time getting upset over it? It is out of your control, hence, by definition there is nothing you can do to change it. Of course, you can have a negative reaction to very bad news, but that is more of a spasm than something you deliberately wish to express. If something is out of your sphere of control, set it aside as best you can, and focus on what you can control. 2) Imagine the loss of what you already have. In other words, imagine losing what you are currently taking for granted: this could be health, your job, your home, some item that is precious to you, etc. Far from being morbid, this exercise (to be made as vivid as possible) prompts you to really appreciate the value of what you already have. It also kills something called "hedonic adaptation" or the tendency we all have to get a bid jaded with respect to the things we once coveted. Practice this often, even when you do have kids, because that can get old too if you're not careful...