1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

How long did it take for you to get over your trigger crush?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by caliwoman, Jul 19, 2016.

  1. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    I wanna get over herrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!! I have ebbs and flows, I know that's normal. Still, I want it to be over. I don't wanna think about her. I don't wanna compare anyone new to her (anymore). Grrrrrr!

    I have no one to get over her with. I once told a sex therapist this, that I was having trouble getting over her because I didn't have anyone to get over her with and her jaw dropped and she very sarcastically said, "Ummm, you're married" while pointing to my husband. It just ain't the same, not to me!

    I've tried to meet new women and that hasn't really gone anywhere. Was talking to a chick for 3 weeks who was on a different page than I am and eventually, I woke up to a message that she had sent me which was a link to Katy Perry's song, Hot N Cold. Apparently, I was giving her the push-and-pull vibe and eventually she went on her merry way. Certainly, I didn't mean to push her away. This is all so new to me.

    I'm rushing to meet another woman, mainly, to get over her.

    How long did it take you to get over your trigger crush completely?

    ---------- Post added 19th Jul 2016 at 02:09 PM ----------

    [​IMG]

    In the meantime, I'll look at pictures of Phoebe Cates. My latest crush.
     
    #1 caliwoman, Jul 19, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  2. faustian1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2011
    Messages:
    722
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spokane, WA


    I was attracted to your thread by the phrase "trigger crush." I guess I'll give you an answer, as even though I'm a guy I had one of those. Well, more than one, but the one that made me give up these things completely started in 1987. I guess I was obsessed. On any given day, it's possible here on EC to read about the same situation half a dozen times. The one good thing about this is that at least I (and you) ought to know we aren't psychotic.

    But on to the question. In my case, it took, uh, until about Y2K, or around 10 years after I actually just gave up, in 1990. That's ten years. And by, "over" my definition of that is that if the person decided he wanted to talk to me I would have said, "I don't have time for you." And of course, it was one of those dysfunctional situations where the other person actually encouraged the dysfunction, while denying anything existed. We all know the drill for this by now.

    As for being married and for the therapist's surprise, that's another thing I get. I am living proof that you can have a crush like this and not necessarily want to leave your marriage.

    It's informative for me to see that women struggle with this too. I am very convinced that men (of all sexual orientations) can be more socially "retarded" than a lot of women. If I was stuck in this situation again, I'd probably think of asking a woman for advice.

    As for your plan, I'm sure finding another interest in another person will bring some relief from the last crush. However, what will you do to prevent repeating the same situation all over again? That, in the end, would represent no cure.

    I've come to the conclusion that nothing happens for no reason (a fine double-negative). If somebody likes you, they'll tell you. If they don't tell you, and if they won't indicate otherwise, then it's their problem.

    Perhaps you could develop a crush on a New Yorker. When them, you seem to know where you stand pretty quickly. It's great. On the other hand, if you're from the northwest, or a place like Minnesota, then the phrase "we should get together sometime" can be directly translated this way: "We'll get together, on the twelfth of fucking never!" What this means that, in places like that, an invitation without any specific detail is the exact opposite of an invitation. And it is in those places that these crushes are so incredibly destructive to people without good social perceptions.
     
    #2 faustian1, Jul 19, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  3. RosePetals76

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Jun 2, 2016
    Messages:
    475
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Illinois
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Out to everyone
    I didn't have a "trigger crush" so to speak, but I haven't figured out yet how to get over my first. I'm not sure I'm meant to. When I think of the way I felt when she kissed me or when I woke up next to her, I still melt. Part of me hopes that I don't ever lose that feeling, at least until someone else gives me the same feeling.
     
    #3 RosePetals76, Jul 19, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  4. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    it was one of those dysfunctional situations where the other person actually encouraged the dysfunction, while denying anything existed. We all know the drill for this by now.

    See, this is what confuses me. I'm naive, I guess. I've been fortunate enough to never be in a one-sided friendship or relation. Never dealt with anyone emotionally unavailable. Have never been used. Have picked people like me, kind and generous. So that made HER so confusing to me. Yes, dysfunction was encouraged.

    Explain it to me, what do you get out of this if you're the one encouraging it? Is it the end game? The thrill of the attention? She didn't do that with anyone, so why me?

    I don't get it!!
     
  5. Seekingmyself

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Feb 17, 2014
    Messages:
    9
    Likes Received:
    0
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Bisexual
    Glad I'm not the only one in this ordeal! It's been a long 9 years on my trigger crush...have even married and still can't share it.
     
    #5 Seekingmyself, Jul 19, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 19, 2016
  6. Thirdtimecharm

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2015
    Messages:
    235
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Never. I don't think you ever "get over" her...you just youre perspective a bit, put some time and space between yourself and her...it helps but doesn't erase it. Mine I met at 14. Been almost four years since I have seen her or had meaningful contact...but the slight whisper of her or something that reminds me of her makes my her ache a bit. I don't give into it...but sometimes it lingers.

    Dysfunction encouraged. Totally understand. My "her", trigger, one to awaken...she lives for the dysfunctional nature of our relationship and almost thrived on it. She was able
    To dip her toes in the waters that enticed just enough to get a taste (and drive me freakin insane) and then would pull away and sometimes shut down. Time and space would go by and she would come back around wanting more. Drained me so badly. To this day still depleted and have to say I do miss her....she never goes away.
     
  7. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Our situations sound so similar. Has your trigger ever been with a woman (that you know of)?
     
  8. faustian1

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Sep 4, 2011
    Messages:
    722
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Spokane, WA
    I hope someone else here has a satisfactory answer to this....one that is more likely than my own simple explanation.

    My thought is that some people truly enjoy being the center of attention. And in one type of individual, it must be thrilling to see someone hopelessly compelled to pay attention to them. This would be the type of person who might "enjoy" stalkers. Most people are creeped out by someone who pays "too much" attention to them.

    For those who have been through 12-step programs and who are aware of the concept of "co-dependence," whether the other person encouraging the obsession is secondary. The main issue is that we serially put ourselves in this kind of dysfunctional and unhealthy interaction with other people. Perhaps this does not apply to you, if this was a one-off situation.

    I think the problem with co-dependence and gays is that the pressure of not wanting to express our true feelings (due to fear or the wish to remain anonymous) meshes nicely with the other person's passive-aggressive approach. Perhaps that is why one can read this story so many times on EC.

    Now, if someone else could add to or re-direct this explanation of why some people seem to enjoy "playing with" the attentions of another person, I'd probably learn quite a bit from a few other good explanations.
     
    #8 faustian1, Jul 20, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2016
  9. Thirdtimecharm

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2015
    Messages:
    235
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    Caliwoman,

    My first was suspected to be a lesbian. Everyone thought she was. Bc her and I were so close they thought we were dating (....I guess we kinda were in a way....). She actually married a softball coach (lol) and all of the girls in the team fawn over her and not him (he's a very attractive guy...). Just funny.

    I always thought she was a lesbian but tried really hard to fight it, push it away and suffocate it. We are Catholic, so it was not a widely accepted thing to be a lesbian. From my amateur psychoanalyst brain I believe that we had this push and pull for so many years because she liked being with me and how it felt but at the same time she hated what it may mean. I have come to the conclusion with her that I cannot expect her to be honest with me if she cannot be honest with herself.

    To my knowledge she has never been with a woman (although she did mention to me a few times that she may have been involved in a situation where she was approached or touched by another girl when they were both kids, not sure how much that has to do with how she is or what she does not want to be). She married super young. Has FIVE kids. I believe that she kept having kids Bc in her mind if you have sex with a man, you're not a lesbian. And having kids has kept her busy and occupied so she doesn't have to think about what she wants.

    She made comments to me throughout our "friendship" several time---such as: if we were in a relationship who would be the boy and who would be the girl (I know it's a dumb question....very naive).

    For some people it is easier for some people to make us the monster than for them to admit/deal with their own feelings. And unfortunately we end up as collateral damage.
     
  10. thrashgal

    Regular Member

    Joined:
    Sep 24, 2015
    Messages:
    263
    Likes Received:
    1
    Location:
    california
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    i wish i knew, im still trying to get over her..its been 6 months 6 days since we last talked...i kno she never cared and i wish so much i could just move on and let go, but i think about her every day and i even start picking out people who resemble her like like 'older version, younger version, fatter version, druged up version etc...' then realize how fuked up i feel and break down (smile now cry later) throughout my life i have always fallen deeply for women i couldnt have and it fuked me up but after meeting sumone else the crush just transfered over and there were no lingering feelings...but this girl was totally different, now i dont even want to look at another girl, i cant..ive tried to imagine myself with sumone else and i cant i just feel really empty and lost inside..i guess she was the last...im just giving it time tho, maybe sumday ill wake up
     
  11. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Thank you, Faustian. This has been the only instance of engaging in this type of confusing situation.

    My husband and I were just talking about this yesterday, that while it did seem that dysfunction was encourage, I should have extricated myself from the situation. Perhaps, I'm just naive. I want to see the best in people. With women, there is also the fact that I do become clingy and needy, sometimes jealous, but this is only with women I have crushes on. In most friendships, I am completely emotionally unavailable. Maybe that's due to the lack of boundaries and tension in a confusing friendship, maybe not. I'm working on that, lol. I'm trying to find women who are more emotionally available.

    Still, I played my part. I wanted her so bad. Also, I genuinely try and see the best in people. I can be gullible. There are times I still rely on my husband to explain the confusing situation I was in with her. I look at her like a science project that I'm not understanding; kinda tilt my head sideways at people "I don't get." Sometimes, I stick around in situations to try and understand that. I chalk that up to my astrological sign (Libra), lol, but also that I do usually only fill my life with like-minded people. This does keep me sheltered, in a good way, but when this situation arose, I was a deer in headlights. Couldn't see the forest for the trees.

    ---------- Post added 20th Jul 2016 at 10:16 AM ----------



    Yes, I wholeheartedly agree with you here. If they cannot be honest with themselves, how can we expect them to be honest with us.

    I was pissed at her for a while. She's the one who touched me inappropriately. She's the who stared at me, lingering. She's the one who commented on my breasts and stared at them over dinner. And yet, I'm the one holding the bag with all of these damn feelings?

    Hot-and-cold, push-and-pull, ours looked like a relationship; my husband asked me point blank, "Are the two of you f-cking? It seems like you're her side chick." I sincerely didn't get where he was coming from, at that time.

    Ugh. And then when I finally reveal to her how I feel (by sending her a letter via email), at the same time admitting that we will never speak again, agree that it's for the best, admitting I have changed my phone number to put space between the situation, she still finds a way to reject me (disables the ADD FRIEND button on her Facebook, even though the last time I sent her a friend request was July of 2015, which she accepted).

    She incited these feelings that I had managed to shelve for over 15 years, nearly half of my life, and I'm the one chasing her and she looks perfectly fine, while I look like a love-struck kid? LOL. Still, I played a part. Wish I could have learned what you learned: If they ain't being honest with themselves, it's not worth our time or energy and it's better to just wish them the best and delicately leave the situation.

    Still, I wish her the best.

    I've come to realize that I'm in a race to replace her. I'm totally on the rebound. I think I'll continue talking to other women, but I don't need to feel the rush to be attracted to one. I'm going to try and enjoy the process and visualize what I would want out of a female partner. Thanks, Third! :kiss:

    ---------- Post added 20th Jul 2016 at 10:22 AM ----------

    In other news, I'd really love to date Rashida Jones. She's so hot and smart!

    [​IMG]
     
    #11 caliwoman, Jul 20, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 20, 2016
  12. Thirdtimecharm

    Full Member

    Joined:
    Apr 18, 2015
    Messages:
    235
    Likes Received:
    2
    Location:
    US
    Gender:
    Female
    Gender Pronoun:
    She
    Sexual Orientation:
    Lesbian
    Out Status:
    Some people
    @cali
    So many similarities that when I read your replies I nod. My husband had the same response. When she "broke up" with me, left me, whatever you want to call it he took a stand with me and told me that he get I was mourning a lost love Bc I was so distraught I literally felt like I didn't know how I would go on without her. He told me I had to block her from everything, perm cut dies or he would divorce me. I was appalled and petrified----Bc surely she would come back, and I need her back and want her back. Well back then I did. Almost four years later I have decided that Bc she cannot be open and accepting and truthful about what we had and how she felt she is toxic for me. I want nothing to do with her (and everything to do with her at the same time UGH) and I need to let her go.

    Doesn't mean I still don't peek at FB Bc she has not blocked me, or drift off thinking about her at times, or miss her... But I have chosen she is not good for me.

    I chased her for years. Don't chase. Don't give her your power. You're worth knowing and loving and if she cannot own up to that its her own insecurities that are poison. You will find another who is just as enchanting (if not more...). I certainly have and I adore my girl "floaty hearts."
     
  13. caliwoman

    caliwoman Banned

    Joined:
    May 3, 2016
    Messages:
    364
    Likes Received:
    0
    Location:
    Los Angeles
    Gender:
    Female
    Sexual Orientation:
    Straight but curious
    Girl, I'm telling you...we're like twins in our situations.

    My husband said the same damn thing: Cut ties! She's not good for you. You're giving up your power and she's toxic for you.

    Funny, I would have followed her to the ends of the Earth. Woulda done anything to have her back. It seems as if you're one of the few who understand how painful that is. Felt like I was dying; waited for her to come back. Prayed, wished, and hoped that she would. She would never say a damn thing to me, but she was always pissed off when I blocked her in some way (found out through mutual friend of this).

    She's still blocked from my facebook. I peeked at her account through my hubby's.

    It sounds like we're both much better off, having begun to move on (or in your case, where it sounds like you're pretty much healed).