I won't go into the details, but my partner and I (more my partner) are planning on investing in new furniture and other things for the house in the coming months. Moving house is also a strong possibility. We've been looking at houses over the last few months. I am aware that the time may come where I am forced to say something just to avoid entwining our lives even further. I've been dragging my heels on the house stuff, and my partner has picked up on my disinterest. At the moment I can't leave due to finances, so I can't (or don't want to) really say anything yet either. I'm hopeful that this will change soon, but at what point does it start to become unfair for me to not say something? And should I be honest about how long I've been questioning for? Any thoughts appreciated.
The most fair to him thing would be to tell him right now, but obviously this isn't just about what is fair to him but also what is fair to you. It isn't really an option if you rely on him financially right now and if there is a risk that he won't support you after you come out. Is there any way you can delay things until you are better off financially? There isn't really a black and white answer to what is fair here or when it becomes unfair, obviously the sooner you can tell him the better. Because you didn't know you weren't straight this is an unfair situation for you too, so don't feel too guilty or like this is all on you, because you didn't consciously choose to end up in this predicament. My opinion is that you should get back on your feet financially ASAP and then tell him, and try to delay the house stuff at all costs. Also, he will probably want to know for how long you have been questioning when you do tell him, so be prepared to answer questions like that. For what it is worth, I am really sorry that you are in such a tough spot right now. (*hug*)
This sounds really tough. (*hug*) I'm wondering, is there a little bit that you could start sharing now? Doesn't have to be all the information or none of the information.
I think you need to tell him. Not that you want to break up, bit that things aren't what he thinks they are, and that there's things to work through. Maybe start marriage counseling together and bring it out there? Or at least explain that you don't feel ready for any major purchases right now. If you don't feel financially stable enough to leave, chances are that you aren't stable enough for a house purchase, either. However, there is the question of how stable do you feel you need to be to leave? And is there someone that can help you if you break up in a hurry (like a parent or friend)? I stayed far too long in my marriage because I didn't feel stable financially, but the longer I stayed, the worse it got, and I was far more able to stabilize on my own than with him. My brother bought a house with his wife, then left a week after moving back into their other home. Not good, either. So many different was to go.
Thank you. (*hug*) I'm trying to delay things as much as possible, and I am working on going back to work. At the moment though, I can't delay things entirely without something seeming off. When we've looked around houses, I am drawn to the image of happy family, new house, fresh start, etc. But, I know it won't really change anything. I know it's a facade with no true happiness for me, but I do like our family moments, they're the best bit. When were out together as a family, I like being in that role, even though I know it's a performance. Does that make sense? I suppose I've got everything my younger self wanted, and now I'm seriously contemplating throwing it all away. Mixed emotions! Thanks, Katchoo. (*hug*) I was thinking I could start talking about our general relationship issues, see how open he is to talking about that and go from there. I haven't really got a fall back plan though, so even that is scary. I've never been one for raising relationship issues either, that's always been him. Thank you, RosePetals. I don't think he'd be up for counselling, to be honest. We could afford to move. The financial issue is that everything is his (fairly, no abuse), which I'd never challenge. I feel that I need to be stable enough to support myself and my daughter. If it wasn't for our daughter I would have left years ago. I haven't really got any major support to fall back on. We nearly separated just over a year ago. He (I think) had an attraction to someone at work. He talked about her a lot anyway. At that time, he did offer to support me for as long as I need, but this is different. I think he felt guilty. He's made it clear that he thinks I've been freeloading whilst being a stay-at-home-mum. Also, when we nearly split up before, I made a lighthearted joke about him and a male colleague, and his response was 'Wouldn't that be the worst?', i.e. worse than a female colleague. I was sort of gaining an awareness at the time, so it made me feel really uncomfortable.
Might need to start looking for a job now, so you can start getting things stabilized for yourself so if you do end up splitting you're not so stuck. If you've had those issues in the past, preparing for if they happen again might be best.
Thank you. I do have something lined up in a couple months. It's not a job as such, but should hopefully lead to one. I'm just concerned that waiting until circumstances suit me isn't fair to my partner, or the best thing to do in the long term.
That might be true, too. I know my ex and I lived together for 9 months after we decided to divorce so we could get finances and parenting figured out. Coming out to him doesn't mean you'll be tossed out, though. Maybe you can work through a slow separation.
That's true. I'm just thinking worst case scenario. I am going to wait at least a couple months, until I'm working again. I'm not putting it off. Really. I hope. I'm not sure how surprised he's going to be. He put on Kacey Musgraves' 'Follow Your Arrow' a couple weeks ago, and asked me where my arrow pointed. Awkward. There have been some lesbian jokes this week as I bought some Dr. Martens. When I think about it there have been a few lesbian jokes and references over the last six months or so, which is new. But then he was talking about me liking knobs last week, so it's probably nothing.
