I just kind of need to vent because I can't really tell anyone in real life. I did not think it was a big deal before, I did not know why being in the closet was so hard, but now I see!! It is getting harder and harder, I can't stand it! I did not expect it to be this hard living with this huge secret. Friends and family ask about boys and I just hate it! I don't want to lie, but I can't tell them the truth. It just feels wrong hearing the word boyfriend and makes me kind of sick. Hearing them say "oh you will meet a guy" and I am thinking "guy???? what about GIRL???" I don't really want to meet a guy and I wish I could tell them!!! The strangest thing is that only a few years ago I was perfectly okay and I thought about boys and I wanted a boyfriend. I liked boys! Then I let myself entertain the thought of being gay and ever since then I have not went back! I can't think about boys the same way, they do not interest me. They are hot, but thats about it. I am not ready to come out, I am still really scared there is a lot of anxiety attached it it. I am still uncertain and kind of have a bit of denial and internalized homophobia lingering. I am not going to be convinced until I actually experience being with a woman. I still kind of feel like everyone will think of me differently. I want to be with a woman and be in love with a woman, but I can't picture myself being a lesbian. I am having trouble picturing myself marrying a woman and when I picture myself marrying a man it is just super stiff and no emotions are attached it it. I can think about women, want to be with a woman. Think a bunch of gay stuff and the next minute be like "but I can't be gay!!" and then it feels like it is all made up in my head. I am stuck in a cycle of acceptance and denial. I don't really know what to do. If I can trick myself into thinking I like men how do I know I am not tricking myself now? That is my biggest thing right now.
Well, it's socially acceptable for a woman to like a man... Not so much for a woman to like a woman. Straight women don't tend to question this sort of thing. It isn't in your head. Being in the closet sucks, it does. You have to censor your conversations and that can be maddening. For me, I survive it by slowly taking steps to come out. It's a very slow process for me but I am out to some people and that's good enough for now. Is there anyone you can come out to? Just coming out to one person can be very helpful.
I feel the same way. Very slow for I would say I have 20 people who know I am gay and about 3 who know I am in a relationship. Talk about having to sensor your conversations. Not only that but I still live with my husband and two children. My life is beyond complicated. Finding at least one person who was not my therapist to tell was both good and bad. It was good because it lifted a load off my chest-- it was bad because it was the wrong person and I sort of knew that from the beginning. Both of my sisters are supportive and seemed to know it before I did and were just waiting for me to figure it out--at age 40-- Some days that closet will be the smallest place you have ever been and other days it was have some space to move around in--So on the other days- enjoy it and the some days- well know you are not stuck there forever.
Badwolf, I understand what you're saying about coming out being hard. Living in the closet is so hard, too, though. Can you say to yourself that you're a lesbian yet? I couldn't at first, and that's where I had to start.
If you don't want to define yourself as a lesbian, then don't. That doesn't mean you can't say 'I'm into women' or 'I have a preference for women'. If this feels more right to you, then by all means go for it. How and when to come out depends on many things, not just yourself. Your safety should be your first priority. You might also find that it becomes easier once you've told someone you trust, and that this someone supports you 100%. To answer your question 'How to survive being in the closet'? I was in the closet for many, many years for both my gender and my sexuality. I remember building some kind of 'wall' between me and the rest of the humanity. It had negative consequences for myself (at some point I became some sort of borderline sociopath, if there is such a thing), but that was my solution back then. Later I felt the need for being honest, and came out to closest friends and a few members of the family. The friends were more supportive/understanding, the family... Well, let's just say they were more interested on my sexual preference than my gender (which seemed 'so obvious'... right...) Whatever they say, or don't say, the game is on you at the end. Don't feel pressure to come out, or to answer any kind of questions, or to get involved into any kind of discussion with them unless you are willing to a - Stand up for yourself with all its consequences b - Be ready to hear all kinds of bullshit (some of them of the hurtful variety), and fight it back My advice is that you just go with the flow until you are ready to do a and b. And don't call yourself anything you are not comfortable with. Do whatever makes you feel good at your own pace. It is your right!
Badwolf, I've asked myself this question so many times. You're not alone. I'm still in that place a bit, to be honest. I'm not confident enough in my attraction to women to tell anyone in real life. I'd be straight back to doubts.
