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Help coming out to my wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jjanon, Jul 21, 2016.

  1. Jjanon

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    So I'm making plans to come out to my wife. We are going on vacation next week and my original plan was to talk to her Tuesday after next after our kids go to bed. It's not a weekend but she doesn't have to go to work in the morning so we can stay up late talking and even in the morning if we need.

    The problem (or opportunity?) is that my wife has gotten a sitter for the kids so we can go out on a date. I don't know if I should try for a different day, or try to take to her when we are out somewhere or if I should try late at night after we get back from dinner.

    Do other people plan these things out like this? I don't feel like I'm over thinking it but I don't know what I should do. I've been working myself up for that date...

    What do people think?
     
  2. RosePetals76

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    I'm more a let things spill put of my mouth type of person. However, if you're a planner, I'd just wait until you get back from your date and talk late at night. It seems the most intense things spill put late at night.
     
  3. Adray

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    If it were me, I think I'd want to choose a time and a place where it was just me and my wife, with the option to continue talking for a few hours if necessary. I haven't been through that kind of talk with my spouse though, so perhaps others who have will also have thoughts.

    Hugs to you, it takes strength and courage to be the real you. (*hug*)
     
  4. OnTheHighway

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    I would just take the first opportunity you following your decision to want to tell her, and tell her. No planning will changed the outcome of the discussion, so just go and do it at your earliest ability.
     
  5. SiennaFire

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    Please don't apologize for planning what will probably be one of the most difficult conversations in your life. I'm so compulsive I blogged about my experience to help fellow planners :slight_smile: Here's the blog I put together about coming out to your spouse as gay that while not 100% applicable should have many ideas you can borrow from - http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/13373-preparing-come-out-your-spouse-gay.html

    As to when, there's never really a perfect time. Your proposal of doing this next week while on vacation seems like a good time since she doesn't have work and you don't want to drag this out for your own peace of mind. The thing to keep in mind is that there are often subsequent conversations as the spouse processes the news, so you'll need to factor that into your plan as well, meaning you'll need some privacy to have more discussions over the course of the week. If you were sharing a house with another family, for example, you'd have to think about whether that would be sufficient privacy.

    Congratulations for taking this important step on your journey (*hug*)
     
  6. Nickw

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    Hey

    I made sure that we had plenty of time to have the conversation where there would be not distractions or responsibilities. So, your timing sounds like it might be good.

    I wrote a long letter. I wanted my wife to know how much I had loved her through the years and this revelation did not change that. I wanted something she could go back to if she was feeling doubtful. I needed her to know the marriage was real.

    best luck on your step forward
     
  7. HIMYM

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    That is great advice Nickw. When I came out about me being a transgender women I wrote everyone a letter saying what I needed to say. So writing a letter in my opinion is a really good thing, to at least think about.
    Jjanon you are not overthinking anything at all. I went through in my mind all the ways to come out and that is how I ended up writing a letter to them. (My parents just ignore what I say to them face to face if they don't like what I am saying, and or walk away from me when I am trying to talk to them i.e. running away from the situation. Thats why I opted to write a latter to them.) (*hug*)
     
  8. baristajedi

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    Jjannon, I know you're going to do great. This is such a daunting step. I think planning it out the way you are is a great way to do it. I think it might help beforehand to write out the points you want to make and the background that goes into your story. I know that helps me sort things out and makes it easier for me to later articulate things in a conversation.

    Just one random sort of anecdote from me... With both my husband and my dad, once I was alone with each of them, and we were having an open conversation, no matter how much I looked for an opportune moment on those conversations, there never really was a 'right' moment. At some point I just simply had to force the words out of my mouth. Once you're there, just build up that momentum and do it.

    You're making such huge steps Jjannon! Good for you! Keep us updated.
     
    #8 baristajedi, Jul 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
  9. Jjanon

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    Thanks everyone for the suggestions and support!

    The vacation we are going on is a family reunion of sorts so will be crazy with family and barely a chance to be alone, so I wasn't planning on taking to her then. My original plan was the Tuesday after we get back. I think I am going to keep with that date and just plan to do it when we get home. Not out in public, but at home where we can be alone. It will be late but I figure itll have to happen and I don't feel like I can move forward much without telling her (though after my last therapy sesaion it turns out I have been making progress but thats a topic for another day).

    I have thought about writing a letter to her, but I can't see myself not talking to her directly. Now I am thinking that writjng the letter as something she can have after might be a good idea, thanks Nick. Also I think it will help me organise my thoughts before I start.

    Thanks again!