Hey everyone, I haven't been on EC for a good bit now. I hate to admit, but, maybe a couple of months now. It's not for a good reason either. My fear and anxiety got the better of me and I fell back into the closet, something I didn't think was possible after self realization but it happend. I've regressed further than I thought too, I can't even look at myself in the mirror and say that I'm gay anymore. Just typing it gives me chills. I was okay for a while but I'm back here because I feel it again, the pain that comes with keeping this inside and being who I truly am. I wanted to reach out to the EC community in hopes that anyone could offer some words of whatever you feel necessary. I have to essentially trudge through the sludge that is my self denial again, and could use some help doing so. Anything helps, thanks! Kyboan
Awww, hugs to you!! I feel your pain. I get like this myself. If my husband and I get too in-depth in discussing my bisexuality, I can feel a panic attacking coming; I know I'm losing control and I'm about to lose my shit. It's scary. All I can say is that meditation, deep breathing, and mindfulness help me in those moments. I try and remember that I am not my thoughts and I just need to shed this programming. I completely understand where you're coming from. Have you gone to therapy?
Oh, that sucks! I can't imagine going back into the closet ever. Though, I will say, some days I wish I could. I wish I could go back to being numb and thinking I'm hetero and just extremely picky to the point I don't want anyone. It was easier then because although I was alone, I had never felt lonely. Alas, though, I think staying out will lead me to a much better place eventually.
I'm not even sure what happened. I thought I was on a path to a better place, then next thing I knew it all got the better of me. I would really like to get to know my true self more than I was given the opportunity, but the fear and anxiety of doing that is a lot. I guess this means I'm not ready?
Hello kyboan, Can I first of all give you a big hug (*hug*) and say that the EC community are always here for you, so just post how you feel even if it is indifferent on a regular basis. You are asking if you are ready or not, and because you are asking for help, then to me it means that you are ready, but just don't know how to, and how to cope with the anxiety and fear of it all. You are ready, and after some time, however long it takes its your time, not anyone else's, you will find that strength either through anger at yourself or frustration to push yourself through, and to be out and proud, and for you to just be you as you have seen in the past. You have done it before, so you can do it again, and I believe that you will and can. (*hug*)
Just remember, it's not a straight road that we travel down on this journey. There's plenty of bumps and plenty of low moments, just like there are plenty of highs as well. Don't beat yourself up for taking any steps backwards. You didn't lose anything. In fact, you weathered the storm. You're back here and back to realizing that you have something to work on. That's huge.
Hey welcome back It took two years to finally come out after I decided to do it. I was in the closet for 30 years. As other posters said it is a personal journey for each of us with no defined path. Keep posting...plenty of us have had major periods of doubt.
I do the same thing. There are days when I say to myself "You have to do it and that's all there is to it" and I plan what I will say and even say it allowed to hear how it sounds. But then... oh man, it all falls apart and I start thinking that there is not a single situation where I can consider ever coming out to my family. It just won't happen and everything feels impossible all over again. Then a few weeks later I'm making those same plans that I know I'll cancel again. Saying "I'm gay" in the mirror is a big first step, but saying "I'm gay" to everyone else is the biggest. I do wonder if I'll ever find the balls. Today I think probably not.
Hi, I don't know if this helps but this happened to me too. I came out here, felt great, then I 'crashed'. When I feel the joy of being gay, I wish I could just hold on to it, but then when the 'thrill' goes away, I feel like it was just a fantasy and that creates doubt. What i have tried to do is step away from all sexual stimulation (masturbation, sex, 'porn' or or anything stimulating) and try to 'think it out', but sooner or later i know i am going to have to decide what do to because the bouncing back and forth is emotionally very unhealthy for me at least.
Hey Kyboan I forgot to ask if you got into some therapy. I think that was discussed before. If you haven't I really recommend it. The other thing was to mention a panic moment for me this weekend. I went to a gay picnic and a guy walked up to me and said that my town had the hottest homos as he looked me up and down. I about bolted. I went back to my truck and sat there for about 10 minutes in a state of panic. Then went out found the guy and started talking to him. I was not ready to wear the title at all even after coming out to my wife. I'm a brave guy but holy shit this is hard! Even more so for you with a kid. Give yourself a break.
I did start seeing a therapist but we've only scratched the surface. I haven't felt comfortable enough to tackle that subject yet but I think I'm getting there. As for your situation, I'd like to try some kind of event like that and see how things feel. I can see myself reacting the same way but, it'd be a start. I just want to say also nickw, you have especially been helpful as well as everyone here, thank you all for your help and support, it helps in times like these ---------- Post added 26th Jul 2016 at 10:15 PM ---------- I too have been trying to fill the hole with the same things you describe. But it's just that, a void that constantly needs filling. I know what I have to do, I just can't get myself to go through with it. There's people I truly care about that will get hurt from it, and I honestly feel like I could live without just to spare them.
Take your time and work through this. I think sometimes we get in a hurry. We see others on this forum coming out and moving on with what appears to be such direction and commitment. For many of us, it needs to be one small step at a time. Do not feel pressured to do anything at a pace you find uncomfortable. The therapy will help. I think if you cannot address your sexuality in therapy it is probably too early to come out. Please continue to keep in mind that you cannot sweep this under a rug and live without being able to be true to yourself. That is not a life you want to live (for others only) and it will not get easier. Ultimately, you cannot be the person your loved ones need if your are not able to express such an important part of you. This I know. The urges grow with time...you will never set them aside.
Hey kyboan, I know the roller coaster you are on. It's taken me about 2 years of soul searching to finally get to a point where I'm ready to come out to my wife. I've been a guilt catching pleaser who always tries to make others happy; fear hurting my kids and others I love but I know I won't ever be really present unless I'm finally who I really am. I joined a therapy group for married gay men about a year ago and everyone one of them who is out has no regrets. Each has said how it was so much easier than what they feared and worried about. So I'm ready to take the plunge. You'll get there too, just keep posting, keep talking in therapy, and keep working on this journey. Hugs!