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I realize I am gay, I just can't accept it.

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by findingjoy, Jul 22, 2016.

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  1. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    Yes I know that sounds completely contradictory.
    Thanks to everyone who has been responding to my multiple threads, this has been an incredible crazy time for me.

    Like the title says I pretty much realize I am gay. The evidence? Here is goes:

    I was advised to take a complete sex break (porn, masturbation, even fantasizing as much as possible) I have gone over a month with no sexual stimulation of any kind (yes it's very hard to do!) . I was told my 'real' sexual nature would emerge. Well, what has happened?

    I have lost all sexual interest in women, even trying to fantasize that I could fantasize about them.
    I have no romantic fantasies about women.

    I have intense sexual urges to be with a man.
    I have started to have romantic fantasies about a men.

    But what really did it:

    There is a place I work out in the mornings, lots of nice fit bodies men and women, there was one guy I felt attracted to last year (but denied it) he tried to talk with me a couple of times but I was in denial, but a couple of days ago, on the advice of another poster here, I just 'let myself be gay for a day' and I flirted with him... and wow, it felt so natural. I pretty much know we're going to have sex, I know its going to happen.

    I took a brutal honest look at myself and my past relationships with women.

    Guys, I know I am gay. I have been trying all sorts of explanations for my feelings and fudging evidence to myself but honestly I have never really been sexually attracted to women. when i had sex i was just masturbating on them while thinking about guys.

    That's not to say that I didn't deeply care for girlfriends I tried to sexually please them but it was 'work'. When I fantasize about guys I don't even think about getting off myself, but pleasing them, and it's definitely not work.

    Again, all baggage and rationalization aside, I know I am gay.

    ok this post is getting long. :slight_smile: I know I am gay. I know I have 'come out ' here before. but with teh flirting stuff it's trickled into the real world. I know I am gay but I still can't accept it. Like i said, i know that makes no sense !
     
    #1 findingjoy, Jul 22, 2016
  2. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    and just clarify this, my sexual urges are not longer just to masturbate about gay sex, but to have gay sex.

    and right now I JUST WANT TO BE GAY AND BE DONE WITH IT!
     
    #2 findingjoy, Jul 22, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 22, 2016
  3. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    ... it just aches right now> I know I am gay , I know have to accept it but I dont know how...anyone who can help...
     
    #3 findingjoy, Jul 22, 2016
  4. faustian1

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    You're right, it doesn't make any sense.

    But kudos for going ahead and flirting with that guy! Unfortunately, it just verified that what you fear is true.

    You say you can't accept where your brain is trying to take you. I don't want to argue that point with you, but instead I have a question for you.

    Is there any other issue in your life, or time or instance where you have had to change your mind about something, and it has been a fundamental part of your basic assumption before that point?

    I'm pretty sure the answer to this might be "yes." Now, if the answer is yes, can you compare it to the intensity of this situation?

    It's likely that you realize how impossible it may be for you to suppress these thoughts. You can choose to keep them secret, but I doubt you can suppress them.
     
    #4 faustian1, Jul 22, 2016
  5. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    I know its a happy sweet sadness joy misery.....at the very least I can't hold on to the old pattern.

    yes but i never remember crossing the Rubicon. More likely i forgot about it for at least a year and then it came back as a fully formed thought..........

    Yes! I have to decide what to do with them. sorry if I keep repeating myself but... I know that I am gay.

    ---------- Post added 22nd Jul 2016 at 10:57 PM ----------

    Sorry everyone one more post (at least for tonight :slight_smile: )
    I am totally fucking gay.
    pardon me for venting or sounding crude, but I just want to get it over with get fucked, I just want to find a guy I care for and put my mouth around his cock and make him feel good.

    I know I am not turning back this time. I am tired of going back and forth. I know I am gay.
     
    #5 findingjoy, Jul 22, 2016
  6. faustian1

    faustian1
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    I think that's progress, really good progress, but as you noted there still is something missing.

    I think what confuses me is how apparently convinced you are of this reality, but also wanting so much to be in denial. I think this is just my perceptual problem, as I am having difficulty with understanding that.

    What this suggests to me is that you maybe should work a bit on the separate problem of realistically viewing yourself, maybe not just in this area but in others as well. A lot of people who have these issues with self acceptance can tend to self-medicate (i.e., alcohol, etc.) quite a bit, but you haven't mentioned that. The amount of effort that goes into trying to mentally repress something like this can be tremendous.

    I draw a distinction between what you described, and just being in the closet. I know all about being in the closet, and keeping things quiet. But when I have sex with myself (masturbate) or look in the mirror, there is complete acceptance that I really want to help another guy get off. In other words, I'm secret about it, but I'm not in denial to myself in any way. Yet being quiet about it isn't sufficient for you--you say you want to literally forget about it altogether.

    Anyway, please forgive my denseness here. I usually have a better idea where people are coming from, and you're pretty challenging to me in that way.
     
    #6 faustian1, Jul 22, 2016
  7. RosePetals76

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    Every realization gets you that much closer to your true self.
     
    #7 RosePetals76, Jul 22, 2016
  8. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    you hit the nail on the head.

    Yes I know this is where I need to be. I am torturing myself right now. I know it's unhealthy to go back and forth. I'm really scared if i keep this state I'll become emotionally unstable.

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jul 2016 at 05:04 AM ----------
    I am hoping. Its been a roller coaster, but this time, especially with flirting with a guy in real life, I feel the dam has burst open.
     
    #8 findingjoy, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  9. SiennaFire

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    Welcome back to the site findingjoy. What you are experiencing is quite normal for someone who is coming to terms with their sexuality later in life. Most people don't want to be gay (initially at least) because of the lessons we learned growing up from family, church, friends, or society that being gay is bad or evil. I suspect these deeply ingrained lessons are holding you back in ways you might not be conscious of.

    I blogged in detail about how I over the shame of being gay - I think it might be worth it for you to read it- http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/13280-healing-shame-being-gay-take-2-draft-1.html

    I became comfortable with myself as a gay man by pushing myself to do the things that I was uncomfortable with. If these things are too scary, then you need to break them into baby steps.

    For example, if your next step is to have gay sex, are you looking to have a hookup or find a FWB or BF? Once you know that, you can take the next logical step in figuring out how to meet this person.

    You'll definitely also want to create a network of gay friends as well (described in the blog).

    This is your second adolescence, so many of the same rules from your first adolescence apply. You need to push yourself to do new, scary things. It's really as simple as pushing yourself to do the activities that gay men do. Once you start doing them, they won't be as scary. You may even start to enjoy them. As you get more comfortable with yourself, you'll be ready to open up romantically and emotionally to another man.

    HTH,
    SF
     
    #9 SiennaFire, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  10. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    Hi SF, thanks.

    I don't think I have any internal stuff holding me back except the fact that I love looking at women, but I just don't really get turned on. I posted another thread about it, but its the last piece of the puzzle for me, and if i can let that go or figure that out, I will understand myself a little better.

    I am obviously in denial - see the title of this thread, and how many times I have come here, ran away come back, but each time I think I get a little bit closer to really accepting it.

    It's so frustrating. I know I am gay, I know I am going to come out, but I don't want to.

    baristajedi had a great suggestion for me "try being gay for a day" I did it, and ended up flirting with a guy and it felt so great and natural. Sometimes I can just come here and feel safe accepting that I am gay and it feels great. But it feels SO great that I feel it's just feelings.

    At least this time around I am not denying it. I am admitting I can't accept it.

    I can now (two glasses of wine in all honesty :slight_smile: ) and I love the idea of it. In the morning?

    ---------- Post added 23rd Jul 2016 at 07:53 PM ----------
    I know I should do this. I am actually holding off with sex of all kind (even self) I have for over 30 days- its really tough, but I know if even masturbate I will go back into the shell- if I do have sex with a guy it will be me pleasing him, or just not going 'all the way'.

    The guy I flirted with seems pretty nice and I am sure we're going to hook up. He's sought me out a couple of times for over a year where I work out, and i finally flirted back a little. I will just be honest with him and say 'I'm new" :slight_smile:
     
    #10 findingjoy, Jul 23, 2016
  11. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    How do I know this? about a year ago, what finally broke 30 years of denial was letting myself 'follow through' masturbating about a guy.

    I really knew I was gay when I masturbated when I was a teenager- I tried to think about all the 'hot' girls in my high school, and it would literally take close to an hour... going limp, trying again.

    Then one night I thought about the 'gay kid' everyone teased. I thought about his butt in gym shorts, I can still see that gorgeous butt .... and then I thought about his front... and I shot off 90% mind and 10% hand :slight_smile:
    ...but after that I got into the habit of 'switching gears' at the last minute seconds before I was going to cum I'd think about one of the cheerleaders and say 'see i am not gay'... and i continued that for thirty years...

    But last year, I finally just imagined a guy and let it happen before hand I told myself if I let it happen, eventually I would fully come out as gay... it took a year but I finally posted here.

    I knew if I let the block go I would write that I was gay. I also know now, that once I have sex with a guy, I will fully accept I am gay. I know it's going to happen. I can't say I always want it to happen but I know it's going to happen.
     
    #11 findingjoy, Jul 23, 2016
  12. SiennaFire

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    In addition to the quotes in my sig, there was a third quote that was instrumental in my coming out:
    Somehow wine provided the necessary lubricant to break down the walls of my closet and help me see the truth about my situation safely from behind my keyboard.
     
    #12 SiennaFire, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  13. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    its a social lubricant but its also can make us do stupid things> one reason i have been holding off with sex is i DONT' want to be drunk , hook up and have anon high risk sex.
    I actually have been using the self medicating part of alcohol fairly responsibly but i have to put away that crutch. One of the interesting things about the guy i flirted with where i workout is that it was in the morning, sober.
     
    #13 findingjoy, Jul 23, 2016
  14. SiennaFire

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    I updated my previous post to clarify. I would not advise mixing alcohol and hookups, although a few glasses of wine consumed safely from behind your keyboard can help to break down mental barriers and start the journey towards authenticity.
     
    #14 SiennaFire, Jul 23, 2016
  15. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    Yes. I am actually being extra cautious - I know I am super emotionally volatile right now.
    Look, you know better than I do SF, that i'm coming out.... I have been in denial but I know I am coming out I just dont want to do it in a stupid way.

    There is always risk but when I finally close my eyes and start using my mouth to please a guy...and physically accept who i am, I want to be 100% sober and making a conscious decision.

    a little stress relieving wine helps with self acceptance I think. like with anything you use as a medication its important not to over use. I

    I used alcohol to suppress not just being gay but a lot of stuff, but now I am using much less to release.
     
    #15 findingjoy, Jul 23, 2016
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  16. findingjoy

    findingjoy
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    So tonight I don't feel so gay.
    And the idea of following up seems stupid. Is it just a fantasy?
     
    #16 findingjoy, Jul 29, 2016
  17. mvp 447

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    No, it's actually pretty normal. I'll feel exclusively or 90%+ attracted to women for weeks at a time, then I'll have a striking desire for a large penis for a few days or weeks. It's not odd at all; it's tough to deal with mentally, just try to ride the wave.
     
    #17 mvp 447, Jul 29, 2016
  18. justaguyinsf

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    I have the same problem as the OP. I understand the fact of my sexuality but I haven't really made peace with it ... more like a stand-off at this point. Having tried to fit into the gay world/mentality for years I've come to the tentative conclusion that being a gay man is theoretically a great idea but it rarely works well in the real world.
     
    #18 justaguyinsf, Jul 30, 2016
  19. AKTodd

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    Coming rather late to this discussion, but if I might ask the OP:

    You say you can't accept being gay - why not?

    More specifically, can you explain what about being gay is causing you emotional stress? Is it a matter of what others (family, friends, society in the abstract) will think? That you don't 'fit the stereotype' and feel that you will need to change in some fashion to 'fit in'? That some gay sex acts aren't your thing, but you feel you will 'have' to do them if you accept being gay? Something else?

    I find that if you can articulate the source of a feeling, it can be much easier to analyze it before adjusting or removing it.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
    #19 AKTodd, Jul 30, 2016
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  20. SiennaFire

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    This flip-flopping is quite normal when you are coming to terms with your sexuality. Your internalized homophobia is reasserting the denial that has kept you in the closet. Based on what you've posted before, I'm pretty sure that you are predominantly attracted to other guys (that is, at least a Kinsey 4 and likely a 5).

    The antidote is action, which is why I suggested that you assign dates for your coming out plan. By taking baby steps and pushing yourself outside your comfort zone, you'll be able to overcome your denial and shame and start loving yourself for who you are.
     
    #20 SiennaFire, Jul 31, 2016
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