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Residual homophobia

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Katchoo, Jul 23, 2016.

  1. Katchoo

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    I was just posting on another thread about the homophobic little voice in my head sometimes. That voice has years of practice talking to me. I was really commited to my closet. This morning I realized this other set of leftover homophobic thoughts was spinning in my head.

    When I was in my religious closet and in love with B, one of the things that kept me from telling her the truth was that I didn't want to make her question her own sexuality and wind up in this difficult "sin" struggle like I was. Like, it was a real burden, feeling like my truth would like send her on a path away from God or something.

    This morning I realized that one of the things making me nervous about J is that she doesnt already identify as gay, and some of her sexual obliviousness reminds me of B. And, part of me worries that I will corrupt her somehow or at least pit her against her own values. I dont really want to throw someone into a crisis of faith, though I dont think J is particularly religious, more Christian for Christmas or whatever.

    Anyway, I need to figure out how to let that go, that I'm not ruining someone or dragging them into hell or something by telling them that I like them.

    I kind of want the whole world to say good riddance to religion, but also I know people feel supported by it. I don't want to mess it up for other people if it works for them.... But, if a girl I like is queer, her concervative religion isnt doing her any favors anyway. I dont know.

    Me loving someone doesn't hurt them...... right?
     
  2. dirtyshirt84

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    I still hear that voice too sometimes. One that says it's something to be ashamed of and something other people find disgusting. I think being in the closet for years means it takes a long time to go away entirely.

    For me, doing things that scare me and pushing myself have really helped to get rid of it. Every time I talk about a girl I think is hot or if I come out to someone new or do/say/act/dress in a way I think is really gay I feel better and the voice gets less.

    Was she questioning her sexuality before you met her? She's an adult and I'm sure she'll figure it out. If she is LGBT she is going to go through questioning her identity and values sooner or later anyway I'm sure.

    I think you should totally go for it and tell her you like her :slight_smile: Good luck!
     
  3. BrookeVL

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    I have that voice too. I'm not religious, but it's still there, probably because my family IS religious. I was brought up in it before I realized it wasn't for me. I've tried, it's not something I can really believe in.

    I think it's harder with being bi. Because I have that voice saying "You still like girls so just do what everyone expects, because you can." And also because I technically COULD do that, I feel like people won't accept me because I'm "choosing to date men AND women, not just women."

    But I don't WANT to just date women. I WANT to date whomever I choose, not just who I'm "supposed to." I just wish that voice in the back of my head would shut up about it.

    And I do agree with Dirtyshirt. She's a grown women, so if she decides she likes you back and wants to date, that's her decision. Anything that happens as a result is not your fault, she chose it. You didn't choose it for her. :slight_smile:
     
    #3 BrookeVL, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  4. yuanzi

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    I have the same worries when making friends with religious people. Yes making friends not even dating. I (used to) have a couple pretty close friends who were both quite religious. They had great senses of humor and were really nice and helpful in general. I got along very well with them except when religion was brought up. They had both asked me directly or indirectly how I could exist with any moral values without believing in a creator. After a while I started to avoid them because I thought I was putting them in a tough situation. Funny thing is neither of them had any problem with people of other religions (one of them is a Christian and the other Muslim) but they did seem to have problems with atheists (and Jews....)

    So Katchoo I am not sure whether what you are thinking is the result of leftover homophobia or not. Even if I was 100% straight and had never heard of the word 'gay', I would still have some doubts getting too close to religious people. I wish I could just ask them before we become too close whether they think I am going to hell or not and decide whether I want to continue the friendship based on that (not that I believe in hell).
     
    #4 yuanzi, Jul 23, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 23, 2016
  5. trisb

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    Even though I accept my sexuality, I still find myself blurting out in my mind "What a freak I am", when I catch myself thinking of or looking at a woman in a sexual/romantic way. I usually just laugh it off to myself.

    I also subconsciously tell myself not to dress too "gay" (whatever that means) when I am going to social events. Good thing is, I care less about these the older I get. "Those folks can go f off" is a thought which is increasingly replacing the homophobic thoughts.