Those who have come out and divorced, moved on... effects on kids??

Hi
So I've been separated from my ex wife for three years now and in that time had a nearly two year relationship with a guy.

My two kids adapted very quickly. I had told them a few months after I moved out that I was gay and explained what that meant. When my ex bf came along I waited a while before I let them meet each other and explain to them who he was and what he was. They took to him immediately - he was a fun guy with kids and they just adored him. They stayed with me when he stayed over so they were used to seeing us in bed together, joining us in bed together and play fighting (usually to the point where it was me that was forced out of the bed... being a parent eh?)

For me it was about being honest with them. Letting them see that I was still their dad, that I still cared about their mum and could still do things with her as a friend and as a family together. There was no visible animosity between me and my ex wife in front of the kids - in the early days, yes! - but after the first year apart it disappeared totally and the kids just see it as we are still a 'family' but we just live in different houses.

That is totally down to my ex wife and me working hard and putting the kids at the centre of what we have done. They are well balanced, they aren't anxious children, they eat well, exercise, have fun, climb trees, don't cry themselves to sleep at night, don't wet the bed, do well at school and generally (on the surface) I can't see any damage that's been caused.

Every day I realise that I am literally blessed though. She could've become a screaming psycho and we could've battled it out in court - and it would be a totally different story now as far as the children are concerned.

Good luck - it's hard to make that step and it's sometimes just as hard to keep putting one foot in front of the other along that road, but when you get there, it doesn't stop either as you've found. It will settle but I guess it's just trying to re-establish a relationship with your husband that puts the children at the centre and, as their dad, I'd hope that he can see that's the most important thing in all of this.

I guess that I should also point out that my bf and I split at the start of the year - he realised that commitment scared him and he wasn't willing to allow our relationship to move forward and grow naturally. I'm over that now - although I loved him, and it was a kick in the teeth - I am realising that he wasn't the right person despite all the fun we had. But I'm happy that my kids got a chance to see me happy with a guy and that they realise that there is nothing 'wrong' with two men sharing a bed, kissing, or cuddling each other. I know that they will grow up two accepting young men.

 

I be,I've it's difficult to align Kyoto children's emotional states directly to a separation when so many factors are involved. How old are the kids, how close are they to each parent, where are they in their own personal and emotional A divorce can certainly have a material impact on a child's emotional states. Yet, there are so making other factors at play.

In the end, I do believe children are resilient and the love between parent and child should always remain. Will there bumps along the way. Of course. but so long as you always provide the love to them and they know it, that love will create a foundation for the future relationship between you and your children.

 

How old were your kids, Highlander, when you separated?

 

So they were about 8 and 6 give or take a few months. Children are resilient but they need their parents to protect them as much as possible from the real raw harm that can happen. They need to know what's going on but it's how you manage that release of information that matters I found.

 

Thank you Highlander, my daughter's not quite 4. I suppose things would be tailored to her a bit differently than your kids. But the spirit of what you say sounds really healthy.

 

My kids were 5, 2, and a few days old when my ex and I split up. It wasn't over my sexuality, but I know now that it played heavily into our unhappiness. We were apart over 6 years before I came out. My kids have been completely accepting and adapted extremely well. I think making the kids a priority in the divorce and doing everything we could to benefit our kids probably helped the most. My ex and I are great coparents and he is supportive of me as a lesbian.

 

Hello,I recently came out to my hetero husband and I also have a child with him. I always identified as bisexual, but the over the last 6 months I was realizing that I am not attracted to men at all anymore. We were sleeping in separate rooms for a year already, and of no sex life. I came out to him and my mother a few days ago as lesbian. We decided we needed to split to be fair to us both. I have so much guilt for how it will affect my three year old.... The changes haven't happened yet, because I haven't moved out yet but I am dreading that part. You are not alone.

 

How it will affect your 3 year old in the long run is that it will teach them to follow their heart and do what's right for them. It will teach that living in a state of unhappiness is not okay, and to do what they need to in order to be happy. It will be good in the end.

 

Thank you. I really needed to hear that right now.

 

hi Cate
I recon im a bit different than the norm here in that my ex and I split, my teen (then 14) stays with me full time. and I came out to him last year, but he tells me he had it figured out already, (dang know it all kids :icon_wink) and he accepted right away. the ex now she's another story....:roflmao: but I can tell you kids adapt pretty quickly, and even more if both parents are parenting together but living apart.

good luck (*hug*)

 

I'd like to offer another point of view about it... Long story short : As long as your children see you being happy, they'll be happy. And it'll be easier the younger they are, so this old 'wait until they become older, so they'll deal with it better' is not only a myth, but a quite destructive idea that should be made a crime.

I don't think a domestic atmosphere of emotional coldness doesn't have any impact on a child. They see other relationships around, they compare them, and probably wonder why their parents never talk, or kiss. Some kids are capable of reading between the lines from an early age, and whatever they read it will affect them. Kids are unexperienced in many areas, but that doesn't mean they are blind to other's emotions.

What hurts a child are negative/destructive feelings between parents. Those feelings don't need to be of the 'explosive' variety (shouts, broken dishes, violence)... To openly criticise the ex partner, to engage on a discussion full of sarcasm, to see a parent hurt by something the other parent said... All those situations can affect a child. So the best way to proceed is to avoid at any cost the children having any chance to see such exchanges between the parents, doesn't matter if they are married, separated or in the middle of a divorce.