I am looking for help, because for the past few months I have been going crazy questioning my sexual orientation and feeling like the worst person in the world. I am a woman in my late 20s. I have been married to my husband for 3 years, realized a year ago that I had some same sex attraction and was probably in the bi spectrum, but that it didn't really matter because I was with a partner that I loved. But since we had our first baby 5 months ago I have been so scared that I might be a lesbian in denial, that I am an awful person and that this will destroy my family and break my husband's heart. I have lost sexual interest in my husband, probably due to breastfeeding hormones and maybe some degree of post partum depression. But I still look at women's bodies in the street and turn on by looking at pictures of naked women. I don't turn on by looking at men's bodies, and I never have, but I used to have frequent sexual fantasies about men, and I remember being really turned on by certain men's personalities. During my marriage I have been attracted to some other people, men and women. I used to think a lot about a male coworker, picturing what it would be like to have sex with him, and I used to fantasize about ex boyfriends. But since giving birth it seems like I have lost my attraction towards men, and I find myself wandering if it was even there in the first place. I don't have any actual experience with women, which makes this harder to figure out. I have never had a real crush on a woman, only some physical attraction. I remember falling in love with my husband, thinking about his kisses and his touch, wanting to be around him all the time. I remember being turned on by his voice and the feeling of him touching me, and I remember being 100 percent certain I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him. Before I started questioning, everything felt so natural. All I want is for that feeling to return, but I just feel so empty and confused. I am scared I have made a big mistake and will end up hurting everyone.
When I was younger-ish I had thoughts about kissing guys and having a boyfriend, then I started questioning a year ago and those thoughts and any attraction to men has left me. People change. I'm not saying you're gay, but I'm saying you need some more time to figure things out cuz only you can know how you feel You're not the worst person ever, plenty of gay people go into straight marriages because they love the person and they don't realize they're gay until later, so you're not alone Take some time. Don't over think things too much. That's all I got sorry! I wish you good luck with it all! Would you rather potentially hurt you're family and be happy in the end (if that's what you need to do) or stay in an unhappy relationship to please everyone?
Mifora, your story sounds fairly similar to mine. I remember thinking I was bi, and having sexual thoughts towards my husband, but they diminished with time. I've never looked at men and found them attractive. I've come to realize I'm probably pan-romantic, but when it some to true sexuality I'm full out lesbian. I didn't come into myself until after I was divorced, though. He always knew me as bi while we were married. You should investigate the postpartum depression as well, though. I know I also suffered with that.
Welcome to EC! And thanks for sharing your story. Many of us are in your position or have been there. All of this resonates quite a lot with me. I did similarly with men for so many reasons, partially because it's what I thought people expected, partially because straight is the default, partially because I was in denial... All of these things led to me telling myself I had more attraction in men than I really do.
Thank you for all the kind words. I would never stay in an unhappy relationship to please other people, because in the end that would hurt everyone more, and I want my child to have two happy parents. But I really want me marriage to work out, because my husband is an amazing person, and until the birth of our child I never questioned our relationship, not even for a second. I don't want to think my attraction to him was somehow fake, because it felt so real and natural at the time. I am truly confused about my sexuality. I have always had sexual thoughts about men, and when I was a teenager I fantasizes about the boys in my class. I felt attraction towards girls one or two times but quickly pushed those thoughts away. When I started kissing and dating boys it felt good, so I just kept on doing that. ---------- Post added 24th Jul 2016 at 01:06 PM ---------- I know don't want to get hung up on labels, but I feel the need to label myself in order to know if I should work on my marriage and do whatever it takes or get out before my child is old enough to understand what divorce means. Does anyone have advice on how to figure this out? Is it possible to be bi and be turned on visually by women, but be turned on by men's voices, personalities etc.? I always find myself attracted to men with outgoing, dominant personalities - I used to find that kind of personality sexually attractive.
Can't help you with the sexuality question cause I'm in a similar boat. However, it's my understanding that it's veeery normal for women (straight or otherwise) to lose interest in sex with their husbands after having a baby, often for months. Maybe it's possible that your attraction to women can still express itself even though your attraction to men is "down" at the moment?
Hi Mifora. Welcome to EC. I'm in a sort of similar situation to you. I'm bisexual, married to a man and have a toddler. I had a relationship with a woman when I was much younger (when I was at University) so I've been aware of my same sex attractions for a long time but don't think I ever accepted my sexuality properly. Just now I don't feel as happy in my marriage as I used to and am questioning whether I would be happier with a woman. Having a baby is a huge change in your life and I think it's absolutely normal to have no interest in sex for a long time afterwards, your body has been through so much. Don't be too hard on yourself while you are figuring all this out. It's interesting that a few of us on here have become increasingly aware of same sex desires soon after having a baby. For what it's worth you sound like you might be Bi. When I was a teenager I too fantasied about boys and when I started dating and having sex with guys that also felt good. It also felt good with a girl too though. Keep posting as I have found it has really helped me work through my thoughts and feelings. Hope that helps.
Hey Mifora. I totally cannot speak to your experience, but I agree with dirty when she says that it is normal for women not to be interested in sex after having a baby. I can't speak to that experience on a personal level, but I've definitely heard of it before. It has something to do with the bonding period our bodies are programmed to have. It could also definitely have to do with postpartum depression. Are you seeing anyone for possible postpartum? I think it's really important if you're exhibiting symptoms so you can catch it early. Please continue to stay on here and figure things out, while also being less stressed. Try to compartmentalize for right now so you're not overwhelmed during this time. Congrats on your baby! <3
Dirtyshirt, it seems like our situations are very similar. I have felt like I'm bi for a long time and felt pretty good about it. If I was ever single again, I still feel like I would date men and women and look for the right person regardless of gender. Does your attraction to men feel exactly the same as your attraction to women? From my past experiences and feelings it seems like I am not 100 percent straight or 100 percent gay, I guess. But I am confused because it seems like my attractions have changed, and because I am visually attracted to women in a way that I am not attracted to men. However, I feel like I have always had sexual thoughts about specific men from work, school and so on, and I figured that gay girls don't have that kind of thoughts. I used to have a lot of sexual fantasies involving men, and they always made me want to kiss and though my husband, but right now I don't feel that way. I try not to be stressed out about it, because it might the hormones and emotional problems, but I clearly still have SOME sexual feelings. I am seeing a therapist who seems to think all the confusion about my orientation is just the depression talking, and I want to believe that, but I am not entirely sure. Anyway, thanks for reading and sharing your thoughts with me, it really helps.
Hi Mifora, Welcome to EC. Our situations are fairly similar. I'm also in my late twenties, have a young child (2yrs), about a year ago thought I might be bi, and have been questioning for a few months. I can relate to your feelings about losing sexual interest in your husband when breastfeeding. I can remember putting my daughter down to sleep, knowing she'd only be asleep for about 3 hours, and the last thing I wanted then was somebody else touching me. I can also completely relate to your feelings about thinking you'd be with your husband forever; I felt the same way about my partner. For me, I feel that I was chasing the dream of family life, but I'd always felt that something was missing, which I just ignored. My partner and I have had a rough time since our daughter was born, which hasn't helped. It does, however, highlight problems that have been there all along (i.e. me not really desiring him). It is so confusing. You're not a bad person, and you're not alone. I can completely understand your concerns about your child. (*hug*)
NotMyName, thank you so much. I think loosing interest in sex when you are breastfeeding is very normal. I have a low sex drive right now, so this might not be to best time to figure out my sexual orientation, but on the other hand I feel like I HAVE to know in order to do what is best for my child. You write about always feeling that something was missing in your relationship. I have been in relationships that felt that way. But with my husband, I have always felt complete, and things have always been easy and natural. Until now.
I've felt that 'I have to know' feeling too. I've found that it's diminished as I've explored my emotions, wants, etc. more, and my understanding of myself has improved. As you say this might not be the best time, but you don't need to rush into anything. Keep questioning, keep posting on here. Everyone is different. For me, I've never been able to be myself 100% with my partner. There have always been nagging issues, a small amount of resentment. The first six months with a new baby are particularly hard. Do you think that's having an influence? Are you parenting well together? After the first few weeks, my partner wasn't overall helpful. I felt more like an employee than a partner, as I was at home full-time. That confuses me too sometimes - how much of my feelings are specific to my partner, rather than men in general. It's really hard, but you're not alone.
It's good to know that the feeling of having to know right away diminishes when you start paying attention to your emotions. Posting here made me feel a lot better, actually I am at home with the baby full time right now. It is not a permanent arrangement, but that's what we are doing right now. My husband has had to work a lot, I have felt alone and trapped, so that influences all of this too. if I didn't have any responsibilities, I think I would want to be single, casually date men and women and not be in a monogamous relationship for a long time. That scares me a little bit. Notmyname, I don't want to tell you what to do, but I want to tell you that you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who makes you feel like you can be yourself all of the time. My relationship used to feel that way
I definetly relate to not been 100% straight or gay, I'm definetly some shade of grey in between. I feel like my sexuality has been fluid though, I've had periods of feeling more into men and also periods of feeling more into women. I do think now though if I was single I would want to hook up with/date women. Im not sure if it's because I've been with my husband a long time now (8 years) and now I'm not feeling as happy I really want to express the other part of my sexuality or if I actually just prefer women. I also had (and still do have) sexual fantasies and sexual thoughts about specific men too. Im definetly thinking a lot more about women at the moment though. I should add I also had a pretty intense crush on a lesbian I work with which is what brought me here in the first place. 5 months is so soon after having a baby though, I spoke to quite a few other Mums who hadn't had sex for over 6 months pp. I also think breast feeding doesn't make you feel sexy at all (I certainly didn't). You sound like you had a very good relationship with your husband prior to having a baby so I think there is every chance those feelings will come back and you will be able to work things out. I do think there is a good possibility you could be Bi as well though. I would take things slowly, if you feel like it. Maybe TMI but it doesn't have to be penetration, my husband and I did a lot of other stuff for a while as I felt it took my body a while to recover after having a baby. Does your husband know you might be Bi or about any of your same sex attractions? How does he feel about the lack of sex? My husband has always known I am Bi and it has really helped to talk to him about it and to be able to be honest.
Hi Mifora I realized that I was. BIsexual a few years ago and I have had a few men friends. I lost interest in my wife for awhile and thought I was gay but could not leave and would not tell her I finly did and now she is a very big part of my sex life and I love her more than ever. Try telling him that you want a girlfriend and that you need that bonding to make yourself complete he might just shock you with his response.
I feel like I really just want to label myself bi and get on with my life with my husband and my child, but for some reason it's just not that easy. Maybe I need to tell more people - maybe I need to act on it someday, I don't know. when we first started dating, before I even started considering that I might be bi, I mentioned to my husband that was curious and wanted to know what it was like being with a woman. He sad that if I needed to try that, he was supportive, but at the time I felt so in love and the thought of being with anyone but him was totally ridiculous. Now he doesn't feel that way anymore. A few years went by and we are married, and the thought of me being attracted to anyone else is to painful for him. I have talked to him about some of these feelings, but he doesn't know everything and he doesn't want to
