This is going to be long but any advice would be appreciated. Okay: A little over a year ago I got sober. Since then, so much has come up. It's clear I drank to numb a lot of things. In the past couple months I have finally started to accept that I'm bisexual. I guess it's something I recognized on some level but I never integrated into my identity. I joked about being bi in the way I joked about being an alcoholic. Finding out I was truly an alcoholic was enough of a blow and now I'm deeply questioning my sexuality. In the past WEEK I've been hit with the feeling that I might be a repressed lesbian. Like my brain has just gone "YOU'RE GAY." But I'm wondering if this is more a reaction to the realization that bisexuality doesn't mean "I'm a straight girl who likes girls" but "I am not straight! And I could be with a woman!" I'm afraid that all of my past attractions to men might be more lies. I cant believe how much I was hiding from myself so I don't know what else is in there. I was a late bloomer so I didn't feel attracted to anyone until about 14/15. At one point I thought I might be gay because I didn't like boys but also didn't like girls. This scared me a LOT. Since that time, I have had a handful of obsessive, lust-filled crushes on (unavailable) men. The most recent was a couple months ago. These men are usually assholes and have gfs. Its the feeling of being desired by unavailable men that turns me on. I don't know if this could be related to a repressed sexuality or other issues. I never felt men wanted ME. They might want the heels or short dress but not ME. Often when im attracted to a man it's mixed with resentment, even hatred, like I'm expecting them to hurt me... I am currently in a LTR with a man who I deeply love. I was not attracted to him at the beginning of our relationship but I chalked that up to him being a good, gentle guy which never "lit my fire." I feel my attraction to him has increased with time. ALL THAT SAID: All along my attraction to women was under the surface. I def had crushes on certain actresses and a couple female teachers. I probably liked a couple female friends too, but didn't recognize it. In college I slept with both girls and guys. Honestly, I never felt very turned on with EITHER group. Prob cause there was no emotional connection. Most of the girls identified as straight, so I missed out on the experience of actually making love with a woman. I always felt like I was performing when I had sex with anyone. Very disconnected. Sex has been a sticking point in my current relationship. I do not initiate that often although once we start I'm into it. I sometimes fantasize about women to come, but I've also fantasized about men during sex. As I've learned to let go, sex has gotten better and I always come. But since accessing my bi feelings over the last few months, I find I'm checking out women much more. I exclusively watch lesbian porn (though not often) and it gives me a very visceral, physical reaction that men usually don't give me. That said, I'm not super turned on by "real women". (I basically watch gay Barbie porn.) But I find straight porn a turn off...I probably find 5% of the men I pass on the street hot, but with women it's probably 30%. The idea of sex with a woman turns me on a LOT. I don't feel that way about men generally, although I can obsessively fantasize about a man I actually like. (Frankly, I feel that most straight men I meet are a bit boring. Like, probably sexist and in this cargo pants/T-shirt uniform). I guess...I put my BF through so much shit when I was drinking. It would break my heart to have to leave him because I'm actually gay (which I would do). I've told him about being bi and he's been amazing about it. If I'm "just" bi, great!, But im afraid there could be more going on and I could hurt him again. Finally, my BF is very straight and femininity is important to his attraction. I am suddenly realizing that there is also this..."boyish" piece to me. This is the part that is the most confusing. I don't know if I took on masculine qualities to deal with sexist men, but a big appeal to me of dating a woman is that I could dress in a more masculine, casual way. I wouldn't have to perform as much. I could not act like that and be with a very straight guy...like, it pisses me off when a hot girl thinks shes stealing my BFs attention and I kind of want to say "Bitch, I have no interest in competing with you." I resent having to compete in the "femininity" race. I feel I often idolize traditionally beautiful girls - like goddesses i could never touch or be, and I villainize men I like. BLAGH. I understand if you didn't read it all, I just needed to get this OUT!!
I'm a former drinker, too (and also bi), I can identify with a lot of your experience. I got sober four years ago. It took a while for everything to settle. What you're going thru sounds normal to me. I decided to embrace my bisexuality and come out with it as an important part of my identity. It's been challenging, but SO worth it. If I can beat the bottle, get healthy, lose 60 pounds, etc., I can do this too. For me, it's like the last challenge. Welcome and keep posting!
First, is your user name meant for Lauren Bacall? Because I LOVE her. I'm obsessed with her in the way people are obsessed with Audrey Hepburn. Second, hello! You've got a lot going on, all great questions, and I want to put some of my two cents in on a few hoping it can help! True, true congratulations on getting sober. I've dealt with addiction in the past, not to substances, but addiction is addiction none-the-less. Therefore, it is completely normal that all of these things are coming up in you right now, because you were most likely shoving them down with your addiction. That is what we do. Abuse other things so we can abuse ourselves, right? Listen to what is coming up without being afraid. It sounds like you definitely could be bi or a lesbian, but only you know that, and it sometimes takes awhile to really figure out. Definitely stay on here to help with that, but also journal. Sometimes getting the thoughts out on paper, handwritten, helps to bring things to the surface that sitting at a computer cannot. Try and find quietness in your mind to sort your thoughts. When it comes to the masculinity thing, I feel like I can say the same thing. I definitely do not hate men, though (I'm not crazy about them either all the time with their unacknowledged abuse of privilege but that's for another time ), and I don't think that having bad experiences with them can form a "masculinity" in you. I think it's always there, in everyone, and perhaps can be made stronger by circumstances, but I wouldn't call it masculinity in that sense. I would say that you're just a word like confident or forward or hardworking. These are ideas we put under the masculinity umbrella when they're actually just personality traits of everyone. So maybe you like to dress more androgynous and be chivalrous, especially with women. I feel the same sometimes. I'm really protective of women, like to be extra romantic with them, and definitely don't mind paying and sometimes being more forward with flirting than I would in a relationship with a male, but I am pretty feminine. I have both of those sides to me, and I wouldn't call one of them my manly side. I would just think, this is how I think and act. Society is what deems things masculine or feminine. Alright. I hope some of that made sense. Please keep talking on here! It's a great way to sort things out. Let yourself have a voice. It's been stifled too long.
Thank you so much for this. It's very helpful to be told this is "normal." Have a lot of anxiety about constantly being abnormal and bad. A lot of shame. So I appreciate it a lot. And congrats on your sobriety ---------- Post added 25th Jul 2016 at 11:47 AM ---------- Thanks for your heartfelt message. Very helpful. I guess I'm confused about whether I am bi or a lesbian. I know now that I'm not straight, but what does this all mean? I identified with what you said about the masculinity thing. Do want to say that I do not hate, or dislike, men. I like a lot of men I meet. It's only men I'm attracted (?) to that I get resentful of. It's almost like a defensive thing.
Hi thank u for sharing - I so relate !! Once I put down my all my addictions I was hit - bam - I'm gay - mine wasn't a doubt it was a full blown 'knowing' For all these yrs I just put it down to fantasy - drunken 1 nights etc I couldn't even admit to myself I was bi ( which I now know is not the case anyway... May I ask are u fixing your feelings on anything else ? For me I got sober but was fixing on food addiction so when I got abstinent that is when I truly knew my sexuality - clear as day Maybe within time you will get clearer ( but maybe that not helpful right now I was in a 4 yr hetro relationship and loved him but the sex was always 'not quite right and that's with all my past partners ... I enjoyed it on one level but emotionally it was never right I relate to the 'boyish ' bit too When I 'woke up ' I knew I was 35% boy / male - this was a real journey to getting to know this about my gender but it happened quickly ( over a few days ) and I knew and integrated this part of me and it feels great now . I've had the hair chopped and got rid of the 'things I wore to please men ... I love the new me and finally feel right and no shame about who I am sexually and my gender ... You will feel the same - it comes when it comes - have faith - trust the big man upstairs and know that you are where u are right now and it is the right place ---------- Post added 25th Jul 2016 at 01:14 PM ---------- Take it to 'Quiet time / meditation see what comes - What's in your heart - your soul ---------- Post added 25th Jul 2016 at 01:16 PM ---------- I had so much shame for so long - It's def layers I am now losing what seems the last layer 'I feel ready to tell my father and possibly grandmother and also others I haven't told
