I am 45. and have been married for 20 years. It has not been easy. But kids are adults now, (one is going to college in the fall). I feel like I might finally be able to become myself. I feel such horrible guilt for staying, I feel horrible guilt for leaving. I just dont know what to do. My husband knows but doesn't really acknowledge it. He will sometimes say something like "Do you have your boyfriend over when I'm gone" to which I always reply it would be a woman if I were. I have never cheated or anything I was too busy with the kids etc. About 10 years ago I was in an auto accident that has left me permanently disabled. (can't drive, sometimes can't walk etc) But over the years it has become increasingly harder to be with him. I don't find men attractive sexually at all. When I was about 15 I had a "girlfriend". when our parents found out we were both punished severely. That was my last experience with a girl. I am unsure what to do. Part of me feels like I should stay as I made a commitment but we do not make each other happy and being with him intimately feels wrong and horrible. Sometimes I think it would be better for both of us if I left so that he could find the right woman and I could be happy too. But he doesn't want me to leave at all.
Welcome to the site, Roan! I have never been married, so I don't know exactly what you are going through, but there are several married women who are leaving or strongly considering leaving their husbands on this site who will be able to give you better insight. That said, if you are not happy living with your husband and the kids are already out of the house and everything, I think you have done more than your share of your commitment and you deserve a chance to be happy too. 20 years is a long time and people change, a promise made in your 20s when you are still figuring out who you are is not necessarily something that will stick for life. That is the way I see it at least. Also if being with your husband intimately feels wrong you should not do it, no matter if you stay with him or not, you have a right to say no if it doesn't feel right and he really needs to respect that.
Hi Roan, Welcome to EC. Our situations have some similarities. My partner and I haven't been together anywhere near 20 years, and our daughter is only two. I'm sorry to hear you're going through a difficult time, and that your husband isn't acknowledging or supportive. I can relate to feeling torn between leaving and staying. It's important to remember your own needs and wants too. I can also partly relate to your feelings about being intimate with your husband. I find this really difficult sometimes too.
Welcome to EC, Roan. There are a lot of people with similar situations on here. I'm sure you'll find the support you need. Personally, I feel like people should follow their hearts, as a couple living unhappily isn't really okay. But that is for you to decide.
