Anxiety stomach

I just need to say some things quickly and go to the office. Hopefully I will elaborate more later.

My tummy is having a bad day, I think from anxiety.

I plan to go visit my family this weekend. It will be my first fave to face time with my parents since coming out. I'm nervous it will be weird.

My mom is kind of a hoarder. The physical space of the house is stressful.

I need to ask my dad if we are still OK post coming out. We haven't talked about the gayness since that first conversation.

I've been avoiding my brother's calls for similar reasons, not sure where we stand since we haven't talked about it since I came out in May.

I want to come out to my grandparents when I visit home. I am worried that will make my parents blow up. I'm worried that they won't take it well. I'm worried that if I chicken out, I will be super mad at myself and disappointed and worried they will die before we have the conversation.

I'm behind on a lot of work stuff, and to go home and not hate it, I need to get ahead over the next 4 days.

I'm worried about money. It's tight.

I'm sad I didn't get to see J yesterday like I planned. She will be working her grocery store job tonight near my therapist's office, I think. Part of me wants to drop in and give her her present. Doing that also makes me nervous.

Ok. Some of what will help is just getting stuff done. Maybe I could find something I really like to hold and take worth me today. Lol, wish I could take a kitty.

Ok.... I can do it....

---------- Post added 25th Jul 2016 at 10:21 AM ----------

I keep listening to audio books relevant to LGBT stuff. A book about mothers if lesbians called Different Daughters and a book about a Trans child called George. They are pretty good books, and I want to finish them, but I think having these issues constantly in the background while I do errands, chores, etc is probably too much. I'll download some brain candy podcast.

 

I got my own therapy tonight. So glad I did.

It helped to say out loud the stuff from the Residual Homophobia thread, the stuff about from a religious perspective thinking that I would be hurting someone by sharing that Ilike/love them, so I refused to tell B before and I'm struggling to tell J now. I think I internalized from religion that my love for someone is a kind of sin poison that might hurt them by also causing them to question and "fall into sin". That had never crossed my mind before. The things I was taught not only told me that Iwas sick but that I was toxic, a poison that could potentially make others sick. And the poison isn't my hate. It's my affection, one of the best things in me. How twisted.

I also talked about my little 9yo Future Lesbian client, who get really countertransferance-y with. Ididn't share any of her details, just basically how interacting with her and trying to help give her kindness and acceptance for herself meant that Iwas giving her something Icouldn't give to myself, which set me on this path towards coming out. If Ican want good things for her, I should also give them to myself.

Therapist gave me two homework assignments that I'm not sure I want to do. I might do it on my own, but Idon't know if Iwant to take them to her. Cuz, you know, shame. Which probably means Ishould. But, I hate should. I'll decide later..... Anyway, she suggested that Iwrite a letter to J that has in it the things Iactually want to tell her, and then I can come face to face with it and see if it's poison or not.... Icry just thinking about doing that, even though intellectually I know I'm not a poison person, my heart somehow thinks I am..... The other thing she wanted to do was for me to find pictures of me around the age of the little future lesbian client that Iidentify with and have compassion for, and basically try to step back and see my young self the way I see my client, to see her sexual flailing as adorable and lovely the way Ido for my client. Not sure Iwant my therapist to see the bowlcutmullet version of me with the pot belly and the giant glasses. But.... Maybe? I don't know. Looking through old pictures might be a project for when I visit home next weekend.

I also said out loud the stuff about narrating my life with things like, "This is how a lesbian loads the dishwasher," and, "This is how a gay girl bakes cookies," and also imagining people outside my house saying, "This is a lesbian house. Disgusting." She really liked this a lot. I think she was thinking of it in terms of the individuating self narration that some little kids do. "I'm putting on my pants. Suzie's pants. I'm playing with horses. These horses are mine." Also seems like a good integration activity, welcoming the sexuality part of my life into all my life, not just the closet of my mind. In reference to the voice of the people outside, she thought that maybe a part of me was sad that there are people out there who think it's disgusting, like the man who shot the people in Orlando. And that's sad and scary. And it might not just be me thinking that I'm bad, but also grief for some very real people in the world thinking so wrongly.

I am for sure going to visit family this weekend. I called my grandma and said so, and thus it is written. Iwas hoping for just time with them. Aparently my grandmother called people and invited them to a cookout. Maybe I should write "I'm Gay," on various foods with ketchup, mustard, etc. Wonder which toppings Iwould need to make a rainbow flag.... Ketchup, mustard, something orange, relish, something blue, something purple....

 

I got in trouble at work yesterday for something I havent gotten done. Im feeling really anxious and frozen about it. I will feel better if I can do something....

 

I postponed other appointments to get the thing done today. So, the offending document is written and uploaded. I'm only going to do one client appiontment today in order to get some other paperwork done, too. It seems to be working to set little goals with little "and then Iget to ___" rewards. I finished that assessment, so now I get lunch. I'll write the treatment plan, then I'll get to do an errand. I'll do 5 session notes, then I'll get to order a comic book Ihave been wanting for a long time. Gotta do the things.....

I'm still anxious, but I'm feeling better having gotten the first thing done. I'll probably do better with the other things done, too.

I think I'm avoiding this work because if all the work is done, I have no "excuse" to not go visit family if I chicken out. I need to keep reminding myself, I don't need an excuse. If idon't want to go, I don't have to go.

 

I'm nervous about going to see family tomorrow. I'm letting myself off the hook to come out to grandparents unless the moment just comes up. To do that, I would need to get there early, before the rest of the family shows up to grill hamburgers. .... Dammit, I do want to tell them. Ugh. I want to go easy on myself about it, but I also don't want to pass up the chance.... maybe I'll think more later.