The title is supposed to be an update on my life. But I missed the button I was trying to hit it accidentally hit enter. Sorry guys. Just as a warning I'm planning to ramble. Mostly because I don't know where to start. I got chided by my therapist a bit because I haven't been talking to other humans. I guess I close off a little when having problems. So I just want to give everyone an update about what's going on in my life. I feel like I've lost momentum on coming out. A lot of that is just because there's so much else going on I don't know where I would find the energy to deal with it emotionally. My husband and I have been having problems since I lost a baby to miscarriage last August. There are other things wrong as well mostly having to do with honesty, trust, division of household labor, hording, and sex. Since we lost the baby intimacy has kinda dried up, we both have played a part in that. I'm usually super open and positive about sex, and was very optimistic until the beginning of this summer. I knew he was haveing a hard time and is as closed off as I am open, but I really thought time would heal. It's been about 6 months since we had any sexual contact now, and trying to talk about it hasn't gone well and I've become withdrawn and wary of talking to him about it. I posted awhile ago that I was thinking about divorce, everyone here urged me to talk to my husband about it. Which I am incredibly grateful for. It's led me to a lot of self insight that I didn't have before. We have talked about how unhappy I've been starting about a month ago it really didn't go well for the first two weeks in fact I got the silent treatment for two weeks. About a week and a half ago he received a job offer in Austin. It's a well-paying job, and because of his disabilities very attractive. So he has gone to Austin and I am here in West Texas on my own for a while. All talking is on hold for a while, while hes learning this new job. That's very frustrating. I think if we are going to have a chance we've got to go to couples counseling, and see a sex therapist. I don't know if he will agree to either of those. On top of that I've made a decision that his hording isn't something I can live with. It started out small and innocent enough, with me thinking that he just liked clutter. Somehow it's grown like grass, you don't notice that it's getting out of hand at first. There is 225 square feet of our storeage building stacked 5 foot tall with a narrow path, and the guest room is the same but with a bed. I've never really talked about it to anyone, my therapist says that it's not hopeful that I will find a positive outcome approaching him about it, and it's likely to build back up if it was all thrown out. So the short version is I'm super stressed, and want to save a relationship that I'm not even sure it's healthy to keep hanging on to. Thank you for listening, I'll update again when there something to tell. Right now I'm sort of hanging in limbo.
Bunny, I'm so sorry to hear about your stress with your relationship, the loss of your baby last year, and trouble coming out. Life can be so hard sometimes. Hang in there. And good job reaching out to other people. We're all here for you.
Bunny Hugs. I am sorry for all you are going through right now. The lack of intimacy is so difficult because without that it can be difficult to get a read on any of your feelings about your spouse. It can sort of feel like you have become roommates. Then the other stuff (hoarding) start to become bigger issues. One thing builds on top of the other. Have you tried couples counseling? Has your husband had any therapy? The hoarding thing may be something that has a deeper meaning. My wife is a bit of a hoarder and I think it has to do with growing up poor. My dad is the same way. I finally made a deal with my wife that she had some parts of the house where I just didn't care. But, some places are off limits because I stress over clutter and cannot sleep around it. Seems to work! I hope things improve for you soon.
My husbands mom and sister are big time hoarders, I think he just grew up that way. His personal space was always a bit messy but something new has started in the last five years, and its building. Every object is a memory, even the VHSs he buys at goodwill. It's frustrating that logic isn't something that he will listen to when talking about how he can't ever possibly look at even all the videotapes in his lifetime. Thank you for your responses. I'm kind of a mess right now, and pretty isolated so I really appreciate this forum and everyone in it.
Bunny The hoarding thing like reaches a critical mass. It doesn't seem too bad then all of a sudden it is. There is only so much stuff one can live with before maintaining it consumes you. You will never talk a hoarder out of his junk...not worth the effort I think. My mom finally just gave my Dad a storage barn and told him he couldn't bring any unapproved items into the house! He is O.K. with it and actually likes the neatness of the house knowing his stuff is safe! All that aside, it sounds like you need some place to go that is yours. I find it on a bike. Nothing gets to be part of that time. Nothing. It is wonderful to go there on a daily basis. Is there something like that for you?
Bunny, sorry to hear about all the stress in your life right now. Hang in there. I find that focusing my thoughts on long-term goals helps get me through the daily stresses. I would also second Nick's suggestion of the bicycling. It's an amazing escape into "me time" for me, too. I also try to look for bright spots whenever possible. Austin is a cool place, I've been there a couple times. It seems like it would have a thriving LGBT community, FWIW. Hugs to you, my friend.
Sorry you are having such a hard time Bunny and sorry to hear about your miscarriage. It definetly sounds like couples therapy and/or sex therapy for you and your husband and perhaps therapy for your husband on his own would help. I agree with Nick, I think hoarding can often relate to other unresolved issues, something therapy could perhaps help with. Perhaps some time and space to yourself will give you time to think and determine what is the best way forward. Please keep posting though. *hugs*
Nickw, maybe my garden. Heat has gotten too bad now, but I put up a lot of basil and turnip greens this year. Waiting for September, usually would have okra at this time but I wasn't able to get it planted this year. Adray, Austin is cool, lots of stuff to do. I will miss seeing the stars here though. I wish cities would turn off all the lights for at least 30 minutes every night. I'm trying to figure out my long term goals. I had planned the next half decade to be taking care of my grandmother, but I have a violent uncle and that isn't going to work out. (It's a long story.) I'm tossing around working for the post office, I've already passed the test. Getting a masters degree in graphic design. Or going into real estate. Possibly a combination of two of those three. I work in graphic design now, but my boss wants to hire his family and has been encouraging me to go. Not a big deal, but not awesome either. Oh the LGBT community is huge there, I lived in an apartment complex that had a regular rotating group of at least 15 LGBT peeps hanging out all the time. It was a lot of fun. Dirtyshirt84, thank you for your support. I'm enjoying having the house to myself for a while. I've been married so long I think I've forgotten what silence was like. It's good to have a break and just look after myself for a bit.
Just an update. My husband's job in Austin is working out. So I've got the house ready and we're putting it up for sale. Pretty sad about this because I love the house it's very special. But as my dad reminds me all you really need is a roof. I've been out of touch on EC mostly because I just haven't had the time to make any thoughtful responses that I can keep track of. I check in every once a while but I don't plan to follow post closely right now. I'm very grateful for everyone here and all the support you guys and offered me and everyone else on the site. I'll try to add some updates so I don't disappear on everybody. I feel like I'm living in limbo right now.
Bunny Take care. You have always been so thoughtful of others here. Maybe the move is what you and your husband need. Sometimes a new job gives us the shot of self esteem we need. Maybe a more progressive place will allow you to spread your wings a bit. Hugs.
Good luck with the move, Bunny. You are an awesome person, I hope it goes well. Definitely keep updating here as time and life changes allow. (*hug*)
