Kinsey scale and confusion

Even if you could have a relationship with a woman, being closeted drives you crazy. Just because you can hide doesnt mean it's a good idea.

Sounds like you have the blessing of a wider dating pool. Sounds like a potentially good thing?

Where's Gazelle? He needs to comment....

 

I think that's totally possible. I convinced myself I was bi when I was younger--and then basically decided that, being bi, it would just be easier dating women. And I did, quite vigorously--sex, the whole nine yards and it was... nice. I didn't feel like I was pretending--sex with women was good and the whole other thing just seemed so complicated. It wasn't like relationships with women didn't work or weren't enjoyable. It was just sort of like they weren't like it was in the movies--you know fireworks and all that. I just sort of assumed that it just wasn't like it was in the movies. I mean how many things really are, right?

And then I actually let myself experience the other side. A guy that I was very attracted to kissed me and it was like lightning through my soul. My legs actually gave out and we literally fell to the ground in the lobby of my building. And it was different. It wasn't just a stronger attraction, it was a different kind and I realized that I had wanted the thing with women so badly that I had convinced myself something was there that wasn't. By the time we managed to disentangle ourselves from that floor and get up I knew I was gay. All my attraction to women just sort of evaporated--haven't thought about a woman that way in decades.

 

Absolutely possible. I was able to pretend I was bi for 20 years. I had a few fantasies about being with men, but probably because it was really the only type of sex I knew.

The more I've distanced myself from men, and enjoyed women the higher I feel my Kinsey scale number climbs. When I first went out with a woman, I would've said it was a 4. When I'd actually had a bit of a relationship and came out lesbian, I was saying 4.8 because I was still trying to justify my "one guy". After realizing most lesbians have a one guy, I committed to 5. But the farther I get from my past with men, the more I feel like I could be a 6. I definitely know that men do nothing for me any more, but they used to be tolerable.

This stuff is hard, isn't it?

 

Listen, even gay men find women attractive but not always in a sexual way. I find I cannot even fantasize having sex with a woman. If for instance I saw something on the internet where a man was having intercourse with a woman I not only take no interest, I move onto something else.

And to think I considered myself heterosexual years ago!

I think Justasking that if you spend time with either sex, then your decision will be made to focus on one or the other.

 

Justasking

I sometimes wonder if we put too much emphasis in defining our sexuality based on fantasy. When I am heterosexually satisfied (my sex life with my wife is frequent) my fantasies tend to be about men. When I am away from my wife, or we are going through a dry spell, I fantasize about women.

This could be confusing if I was worried about what I am. But, I have just learned to go with the flow and appreciate the desires these days without worrying about what it means. This way I am open to my emotions.

Let yourself go and live in what you feel in your gut for a bit. You, really, have nothing to lose here. Find a guy and make love...feel it.

 

I hope this won't come out as rude before we start.

Why do you feel need to put yourself under a label? I can understand that urge for younger people as they are trying to build their identity. However us, grown ups should be more relaxed about these issues.

You can like a man or a woman who cares. If you can see yourself in a relationship with them go for it. If you ask me Kinsey was an idiot who tried to over simplify a very delicate matter. Even those 6 or whatever steps he came up with not enough to paint whole human sexuality shades.

My biggest point in deciding if a person is a gay or not is their ability to fall in love with same gender. Sex is easy, especially with human males as they can have sex with nearly anything with a hole from vacuum cleaners to big bottles... Sex is sex.

Just be true to yourself and people you share your romantic life with... it is all that matters.

 

White Knight, some of use, even as grown adults feel more comfortable with our identities if we can label them. It helps when we try to talk to others, too.

 

My thread "I'm gay and it all makes sense now" sums up my conclusions to similar questions...

I can paste it in here if you want (did you see that thread?)

 

Sex is really about relationship. Of course u can compartmentalization sex, & just go for sex - but this leads to sex addiction, anonymous partners … & missing the depth of the heart, thru intimacy.

To be explore a bit deeper, u could ask:

- what's my level of comfort w men, & w women …& why?
- being w which gender has more spark for me, & why?
- which gender do I see myself in long term relationship with … & why?
- which gender is the sex better with, & why?
- if bi, how do I navigate deep intimacy w a woman & a man?
- which gender am I more willing to give to?
- how does my family of origin, my mother & father, affect my choices & preferences?

These questions may be difficult to answer. However, only by opening up to your heart, your soul, your ego, & your past, will u be able to consciously make choices in line w your identity.

 

I agree with White Knight here, I know some people like labels and feel they need them as part of there identity, but I dislike them very much I believe society would be a much better place without them.

Morgan Freeman did an interview, on 60minutes about race and black history month, but I believe that same point he was making could be said for the LGBTQ community, yes it's a Utopian ideal but still the more we as a society, as a people separate ourselves, by choice or by force, the further apart we will become.

http://youtu.be/Mh8mUia75k8

[YOUTUBE]http://youtu.be/Mh8mUia75k8[/YOUTUBE]

 

I very much relate to this thread in that... I liked men but now I realised I like women I just like them so much more I feel like I've just shot up the kinsey scale... and I doubt I'll do anything with a guy... but calling myself gay seems so wrong because I feel like if I was there once with the right guy I could feel it. Because I am turned on by fantasising about men if I do it, though I usually can't be bothered when I could fantasise about a girl.

I relate to this. I would make up random dudes and the fantasy would be more about how they were doing stuff to pleasure me than me enjoying their body at all. Like they were good looking, but I've never really had any great desire to touch anything in particular...? And often I see good looking men around me and I think - I enjoy them but how would I pick one from another? With girls it's obvious in that respect. With girls both my recent crushes and my fantasies feel very much like this line from Tipping the Velvet tv show:

Nan: May I really – touch you?
Kitty: Oh Nan, I shall think I’ll die if you don’t!​

There's desire and there's infatuation and there's jealousy. Just a lot of emotion that I feel is necessary for love.

But being a youngun here (I'm sorry I love to invade your forum I just think you're all cool) I just feel like this could happen with a guy at some point in my life, I have so much time... I just don't see it and don't want it (though I did) and wish I could justify calling myself gay even to myself.

So yeah - I relate.

 

I know it. However seeing how that thing tears you apart, really makes me sad. To the point that I even got tear eyed when people suffer from something like that. Trying to fit into a mold some person, society or religion think fits you hurts you... only you not anyone else.

If you only bring that much pain and depression into your life just because others can understand you, I think we all should re-consider if it's worth it.

If they want to loose sleep over how to label you it is their problem. Something like love which suppose to bring joy and happiness in our lives shouldn't bring pain, shame and depression.

At the end of the day, it is our lives and we only live once.

(*hug*)

 

I can't speak for others, but if the choice of a label is causing a lot of struggle, it's likely not the word, nor society's view of us but our own sense of identity that is causing the struggle. I needed to understand my needs better and labelling myself as gay has helped me reflect those needs best. Not everyone introspects in the same ways. I'm happy to use a label. I'm glad I struggled to understand and figured it out in the end.

Ps I notice you have a label in your description....