I felt pretty 'confused' for a while, and I worked hard to get back to real intimacy with my wife; which after much effort, has been really nice with good sex. I thought I am 'over' the "gay problem' and have been away from anything for weeks. I am feeling urges come back, but not so compulsive as to just go cheat on my wife as I got too carried away before because I got way too caught up in this new possibility while on a medication that promotes compulsive behavior. However, one LGBT counselor told me wanting sexual contact with a guy is "just sex" unless I fantasize long term relationships with one. I haven't met some guy, and fell in love or anything... and I am not trying to because I am married after all. So, do you think it's possible I just want sex in different and exciting ways? Am I just a perv? I got off the medication and cut everything off I was doing before. I have more control now, but I am realizing there is something I am not dealing with properly because I don't feel content I am doing the right things. IDK, I can't seem to express it in words, but at 45 I don't think this is normal to be going through this now. Thankfully, since I am a war vet, the VA is helping me more starting today.
I'm not sure I'd agree with the advice you got from your counselor. I think the real answer is more nuanced. ONe of the most reliable means I know of is to look at sexual fantasies... what goes through your mind when you see a hot guy (or girl) as you're wandering down the street, at the beach, etc. What comes to mind if you masturbate without porn? Most people, when masturbating without porn, will find a much stronger attraction to either guys or to girls. A few find equal attraction to both. This sort of awareness is the best way I've found to truly understand yourself. Also, for what it's worth, if there's a "gay problem", meaning, you are aroused by, attracted to, and enjoy sex with, men, then that isn't a "problem" you get over... it's pretty much a part of who you are. Whether that is the primary sexual attraction or secondary... is where you have to really look inside yourself. THe hard part is letting go of expectations and honestly exploring, without trying to predetermine the outcome. If you're married, presumably you want to stay married and live happiily ever after. But that's only possible if you have genuine attraction to your wife, more so than to men. And given how "loaded" a question that is, it will likely take time to work through. I hope that's helpful.
Thanks. I often wonder if I went through with that date with my supervisor when was about 40, and I was 19 and in excellent shape. It would have been my first gay date, but when it came to the day, I chickened out. I got scared and thought I would become something that would be adamantly rejected by everyone I knew. Or, maybe since I got caught as a boy with another boy and got whipped by my father, that I felt the need to utterly reject the temptation. Also, this was 1990; which was a lot different. In 1994, I got attacked/molested by a guy when I was not looking for guys, but girls as I usually did. I just never had a gay 'relationship'. Now, I am religious, married with kids, and have lots of commitments that don't allow gay as an option without breaking promises and relationships.
Hey Gay is an "option"? It really doesn't work this way. You are hardwired for it probably based on some sort of genetic response to an environmental stimulation. Gay runs in my family. We should be a test paper! You are what you are. Understanding your sexual orientation is what is necessary. This may take some work. Society tells us to be straight, raise a family, buy a minivan... But that may not be you. And not recognizing and embracing your sexuality will not allow you to live your life to its full potential. Please consider that your children need you to be the best you can be. All of you. And your wife needs to know that you can provide her all that she needs. I hid my gay (I am bi) from everyone my whole life. Now I am out to my wife and it is amazing how much better I feel. You did right as a 19 year old not to try gay sex with a 40 year old. At nineteen you would be much too influenced by an older guy.
These, to me, point much more strongly to the idea that you may be gay (or on the gay side of bi) rather than simply "looking for sex". Neither have other men that are closeted until later in life... until they come to terms with who they are. I'm not saying this is you, only that simply never having had a gay relationship doesn't mean you aren't gay. Well first, I agree with Nick that it's not an "option"... it's hardwired and unchangeable if indeed it is who you are. Second, I would argue that staying in a relationship where you can't truly love the person as they deserve to be loved and treated (which would be the case if your real love is for men) is far, far worse than breaking a promise that was made on a faulty premise (the premise that you're straight.) And if you spend some time in the Later in Life forum, you'll see there are an awful lot of people here who are in, or have been in, your situation.... and are working their way toward a healthier solution, or have already gotten themselves there. This is in no way easy. Feelings get hurt, relationships change, lives are altered. And at the same time, you have to look at what it means to stay in a relationship that is, in effect, inauthentic. If the roles were reversed, would you want your wife, if she was incapable of giving you the true love and affection you deserved, and was not herself happy because of that, to simply never tell that to you and maintain a lie for a lifetime? Most people would not. I want to be clear... I'm not telling you that you should or should not do anything, nor am I saying you're gay. I do think there are some fairly strong indications in that direction, but that's something only you can know for sure. I do believe that for most people, if they are gay, the authentic route is usually the best one to go... but that will vary for each person. The important thing here is that you're thinking about it, and talking about this difficult topic. And that's the first step in really understanding yourself.
Hey Biguy365 This is going to come off pretty harsh. Your history resonated with me when you first posted awhile back. At that time you mentioned a gay affair, gay fantasies and problems maintaining intimacy with your wife. You also mentioned the opinion of your therapist that your gay fantasies and actions were not necessarily homosexual. It seems to me that you may be searching here for a different answer by (excuse me for this) spinning it a bit differently. Perhaps I misunderstood your previous posts. But, you may need to really consider that you are indeed gay or gay leaning. I will ask this. Can you look in the mirror and say "I am OK if I am gay"? Because if you cannot, you may be so afraid of being gay you cannot truly be honest with yourself. When I was young I could not do this...admit I had same sex desires...admit it was ok to be gay. Until I did this I could not accept that I was bi.
My family could join you. My aunt is gay. My brother is gay. And I'm at least bi if not gay. Definitely interesting how that turned out. ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2016 at 09:23 AM ---------- So, the sex addiction question comes up for me a lot as well. Most of my friends and my ex girlfriend of 7 years think I'm a sex addict. I've talked to therapists about it in the past and they've disagreed. But I definitely see it as at least partly the case. Now, I don't think I have sex with guys because of sexual addiction. I'm attracted to guys and that's why I have sex with them. But my drive to have said sex, and my tendency to depend on sex for all of my intimacy, that's what screams sex addiction to me. In a lot of ways, I think that keeps me from being able to truly have an emotionally intimate relationship with anybody. Maybe that's part of what keeps my questioning going. And yet, part of me thinks well it isn't so bad per se. Like, cheating is bad, but admitting that I'm happier when I'm having sex 4-6 times a week? Why is that bad? It can be with one person if said person is interested in satisfying my needs and if their needs match up. It's the "love language" I speak. Is that so wrong? This is the stuff I struggle with. In a way, I think I *was* a sex addict for a long time and now I'm seeing it and trying to change it. I don't have random hookups. I have a bit of a complicated relationship with my FWBs but that's a whole other story. Heck even the little bit of dating I've been doing, I try to keep it out of the bedroom. Because I already know I like sex with men. It's whether or not I can romantically be interested in men that is the question.
I can identify with so much in every one of these posts. I can't add much of anything. Only that I wish we could all live guilt-free lives and enjoy the emotions and desires that make us so happy. That we can stop judging ourselves so much based on how others want us to live. In some ways I'm jealous that its a lot easier for younger people to openly express how they feel - but glad they can. So, the only advice I offer is not to be so hard on yourself. You are who you are. There's no magic pill that's going to change that. And why should there be? Why not be happy you have something a lot of people don't. As for being an addict....well, I don't think wanting sex all the time is that awful. Its the danger of confusing fantasy with reality that can mess things up for you. Trust me. I know. Good luck man. (And BTW, its never too late to live a life that makes you happy. Why should young people have all the fun anyhow?)
:lol: I am WAY late getting back to the post! However, I want to say thanks for the positive support.
Some folks, such as myself, tend not to find much comfort in finding the right label to apply to one's self. For myself, it's much more about the goals I want to pursue and the values I want to practice. I find trying to putting too much effort into repeatedly trying to answer whether I am "gay" or "bi" or "straight" or some combination of them to be like a dog chasing its own tail. In this regard your therapist might have been trying to say don't overemphasize the significance of your transitory sexual urges to your life story. You might pick up the book "Necessary Losses" by Judith Viorst, which has a chapter on sexuality which suggests that many men have sexual desires for other men that they have to give up in order to achieve other goals, such as living monogamously in a straight marriage. (At least that's my interpretation of it.) I think she provides a nice jolt of realism to counterbalance to the monolithic, "Age of Aquarius"-style search for one's "true" self that is constantly held up as the gold standard for how to live one's life.
Thanks. I think many men who do not talk about it probably have urges or curiosity at some point in their life. It is our values that determine what we decide (for what we have control of).
