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36 but still can't deal with it

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by ERS2016, Jul 27, 2016.

  1. ERS2016

    ERS2016 Guest

    Hi. I've signed up here as I was hoping someone might be able to help with my situation or have come through a similar thing.

    I've known I've been gay for some time and feel like I accept it. I want nothing more than just to be able to find someone to be with and love the idea of being out and honest about it.

    But the problem is, every time there's any chance to take even a small step, I seem to have some kind of mental block. I might speak to a man online for a while, get on with him but even if it's just for a friendly coffee, when there is the chance to meet I can't do it. I get what seems to be a panic reaction and I end up just shutting myself away in a dark room suffering from physical symptoms like shaking and fast breathing. I'm even feeling a bit like that writing this. I've never had anything even close to that striking in any other aspect of my life and when it hits properly it's a horrible experience that takes time to recover from.

    This happens as soon as there's any chance of taking any kind of step - that includes even talking to somebody about it who I know will not react badly. I have gay friends who I have tried to talk with about it but I just always have this kind of collapse.

    I don't feel like I'm afraid of people knowing but it's like the problem is that I can't allow myself to be gay on some level.

    When I have an attack like that that's really bad I try and shut that side of myself completely off and concentrate on other things (work etc) but I desperately want to be able to have that side of my life. It's also getting harder and harder to shut away.

    I'm desperate to find some help, but I have such an extreme reaction even to the possibility of speaking to someone about it that I don't know how to find a way to do that. I've considered support groups, getting some kind of professional help, but same deal.

    I know I probably sound ridiculous, but I was hoping somebody might have had a similar thing and found a way to come out (literally) of the other side and maybe share their experiences.

    Thanks very much.
     
  2. faceup

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    Hello, you are not the only one. I knew I was since my teens but I tought was just a phase, but it wasn't !

    Last year I met a guy (gay) and we get a long pretty well and also I had a huge crush on hin and he was the first person I had the guts to tell I was Gay and it feel so good!

    If yoy have gay friends send a message to then telling that you think you are gay, after doing that I am pretty sure they will help you with all your doubts.

    Don't be afraid to tell then, take the first step. If I were you I will send something like this.

    "Hello, I need your help ! I think I am gay, I never told this to anyone and I don't know what to do "

    If you write something like this I am pretty sure he will help you
     
  3. White Knight

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    Only thing I can say is baby steps. This is what I am doing.

    That is probably what years of hetero-normative society put in you. If you grew up like me witnessing how gay people seen as disgusting, laughing stock you can make fun of cruelly, put mean verbal jabs every now and then even by "friends" who seems to okay with some gay person... you hesitate.

    We, as Turks, raised with great importance put on personal and family honor. Being gay is one of the worst things can hurt family honor. It is even worst than killing somebody.

    While I don't care much about if people knew I am gay or not, I am out to my best friend, that words "I am gay" still doesn't come out of my mouth easily because of this.

    It feels like saying I am worthless, I am nobody, I am dirt, I am shaming my family, my country, my religion, my friends...

    I prefer to live the way I want to live instead. Doing the things I like and focusing on them instead of thinking what others might think or what that sinister voice back of my head whispers.

    Probably not helping much here. Just be who you are. Focus on the guy you like instead of focusing "gay". You are just a person who like another person who happens to be another man. It is that simple.

    (*hug*)
     
  4. ERS2016

    ERS2016 Guest

    Thanks so much for the responses. I was really on edge about what kind of reaction I might get here and it feels really good to have some people being so positive and helpful.

    There is a lot of good advice here. I really am going to keep trying to speak to somebody as suggested for help. I feel awful when I try and do it and have written messages to send electronically so many times but end up not going through with it. But I am going to keep trying.

    Baby steps makes a lot of sense as well. I'm learning a lot by reading around on this forum and it does help to hear about people's experiences.

    Hopefully with that support I can eventually stop going round and round in circles and feel good about myself.
     
  5. Nickw

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    I cannot really relate to this particular anxiety since I am a married bisexual. It sort of doesn't apply since I cannot really be out. But, I will say that just in accepting myself I found it worthwhile to be around other gay men. Even though I was not going to out myself. I just needed to dip my toe in a bit.

    The other thing you may try is to have a "stereotypically gay" day. Do what you think a gay guy would do. For me this was dancing and singing Adele songs...whatever...it doesn't matter. I was just trying to find a comfort level with a gay me...even a made up gay me. Then I laughed at myself. This helps me with anxiety.

    I think sometimes the anxiety can be increased because we know we will become anxious. It feeds on itself. I am this way with speaking to a group of 20 people. I can speak to a group of hundreds...but, not twenty. And, ahead of time, I get sick to my stomach with fear...makes no sense.
     
    #5 Nickw, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  6. faceup

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    Try to read The Velvet Rage is such a great book, you will learn a lot, I got the audio book and every week a Listening too
     
  7. NewHaircut

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    The more I read AND interacted (I.e. posting) even if it was just to say something like "I've experienced that too" or "I agree" or whatever, on this site, the more comfortable I became. Doing this literally changed my life. Yeah, I probably could have found acceptance without it, but it was a HUGE step. Congrats on taking that first step. It will get better/easier from here!
     
  8. QuestionMark99

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    I feel sort of the same. I'm fine within myself being gay, however I haven't come out and don't know that I will anytime soon - I'm early 30s.

    I have this illogical fear about the reactions from others when they find out. Sometimes it becomes all encompassing and overwhelming and I just shut down. Part of it is the attention and gossip it will bring, the scrutiny, the change in public identity it represents (not that I do anything to identify as straight right now), and a stupid habit of taking on the emotions of other people. If they treat me as if I should feel ashamed, then I probably will! It's ridiculous!

    My point is that when I think about making any public steps I often feel overwhelmed and stop dead in my tracks. No go! I guess some subconscious part of my mind sees any tiny step forward as a step towards having to come out - and that can be terrifying. Does that sound anything like how you feel?
     
    #8 QuestionMark99, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  9. mvp 447

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    I'm married and bi too. Before I first visited a male friend to do it, I took a benadryl and half xanax, it helped. I'm very prone to panic attacks too.
     
    #9 mvp 447, Jul 28, 2016
    Last edited: Jul 28, 2016
  10. ERS2016

    ERS2016 Guest

    Stereotypically gay day is kind of something I do - maybe not a whole day. But I enjoy listening to certain types of music that just makes me feel a bit freer about myself. A whole day is a very good idea!

    ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2016 at 12:34 PM ----------

    I've downloaded it for Kindle to have a read of it. I'm definitely at a point when reading about this really helps but hard to find the right things to read, so this is a great suggestion.

    ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2016 at 12:36 PM ----------

    To see a congrats was a really strange, but great, feeling. I hadn't really thought of this as a first step - more at first desperation. Actually, it has helped so much. I'm hoping that being able to interact with people who understand and are so welcoming and get it it will help. And it already has.

    ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2016 at 12:41 PM ----------

    It is similar in many ways. I'm quite a private person and I am not great at sharing what's going on in my personal life or my thoughts on personal things - just don't like having to explain myself. When there's a possibility of maybe taking some big steps and maybe even finding a boyfriend I hate the thought of people asking me about it and having to explain my history and how it all works. That's part of the fear and the reaction.

    I feel like I am happy with myself being this way (although i'm really worried that the way I react to the prospect of speaking to someone about it or taking any steps outside of a really safe and understanding place like this might actually be because of underlying problems that I don't realise I have with it!) and I don't fear people knowing as such or their judgement - but I relate completely to not wanting it to define me. I feel like it would be so much easier if I could just skip over the few months where it all happens and people find out and just get to the point where people are used to it and it's normal! Guess that's cheating though.

    The phrase there I totally relate to is "I shut down" - exactly how it is for me and I hate it.
     
  11. CharacterStudy

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    Hey

    Really sympathise with you on the anxiety front, though my trigger is not related to orientation. We are lucky to have the NHS in the UK. Can you go to your GP? You don't have to explain what is making you so anxious, just describe the effects. There are options they will be able to give you, including short term medication (not necessarily something like prozac, there are other drugs that dampen the physical feelings of panic, but leave your brain clear). There is also counselling, which can take a while to be referred to, but it does exist.

    Depending on the type of job you do you could also check whether they have some kind of free Employee Assistance Programme, which usually includes a confidential helpline, and you can be referred for counselling. It doesn't have to be specifically for orientation issues, but can teach you ways to manage the stress and anxiety around it. I've used one of these services twice now for different things, and a friend used it for dealing with his orientation, and the anxiety and depression around that. After a while he was able to come out, has completely blossomed, and now lives a very happy and open life as a gay man.

    I also think sites like EmptyClosets can help you feel like you belong, and get support, and also just get used to talking about this in a safe environment. Personally I also feel that exposure to positive LGBT books and films is a really good way to become more comfortable. Just stick to the positive stories though, some of the older stuff is dire (there is actually at least one writing text book out there that says that gay love stories 'must' end badly to prove a moral point...)

    Let me know if you want film and book recommendations.
     
  12. ERS2016

    ERS2016 Guest

    I've certainly wondered if some professional help might work - more counselling than any kind of medication as while the problem really has an impact on one aspect of my life, it's not a problem in other areas. It's strange as it's just this one thing that triggers it, in all other aspects never had the slightest problem!

    Definitely going to keep reading, keep getting involved and try and make progress that way as well.
     
  13. mnguy

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    I relate too and can't figure it out either. I know lots of people who would be fine if I told them I'm gay, but I never bring it up and they don't ask. I say part of it is that I don't like being in the spotlight, but that's probably an excuse because most people wouldn't make a big deal of it. Others don't think about us as much as we think they do. I feel pretty ridiculous that I didn't come out many years ago. I also feel like if I haven't met any guy with mutual interest in 20 years it's unlikely I will so it's like what's the point. I guess one point could be just to get it off my chest and have been thinking of that a lot lately. The only advice I have is the longer you wait, the harder it'll probably be. Good luck to you!
     
  14. ConsciousRose42

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    For me it's becoming apparent its 'societal attitude syndrome ' that is in me but not of me ...
    Time to loosen its grip and say hello to who I am

    Proud



    What ever it takes we get there - bit by bit

    All the best to you
     
  15. Heval

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    Hi, I think that acceptance is a process and it needs to be learned bit by bit. We all need to be patient and try again. I guess it's like playing an instrument for the first time. For sure it is going to sound horrible the first couple of months. Or learning to swim, that took me a while...
    We need to learn to love ourselves a bit more everyday. At the end of the week we could love ourselves 7 times that bit. :slight_smile:
    And I also think we need to learn to enjoy the process, that process is our life! Maybe it's not about the goal but the road of acceptance.
    We need to be proud of our little achievements, like learning to walk, speak, write. All of them took us some time but we are here now walking, speaking, writing as if they were all natural. I hope I could live what I have just written. :grin:
     
    #15 Heval, Aug 2, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2016
  16. jeff192

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    ERS2016, it's a good feeling someone feels the same way I do about everything. I am glad you're here and that I am not the only one.
     
  17. Justasking100

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    I find there is an element of vulnerability and anxiety that comes with that. It's difficult and scary to let go and allowing yourself to be gay and all that comes with it plus the putting yourself out there and on a date can seem scary and makes you vulnerable to all sorts of scary feelings. If you've kept your sexuality hidden away for a long time it does take time for you to accept these feelings and the vulnerability that comes with potentially being hurt in a gay relationship.
     
  18. lonewolf79

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    Hey ..

    You're not alone at all...

    "But the problem is, every time there's any chance to take even a small step, I seem to have some kind of mental block."

    "I don't feel like I'm afraid of people knowing but it's like the problem is that I can't allow myself to be gay on some level. "

    These 2 parts resonated with me a lot. I find that I can't even talk to guys online... I get this weird feeling.

    I spent almost 7 years living in a country where being openly gay is a no no... just because people there don't get it... if this makes sense... so returning to my own country I thought I would be better... sadly not. I have no gay friends in my own city ... and I have no idea where to meet anyone as I am not into the whole scene. Living situation is also not really conducive to having gay friends even come over for dinner.

    I have tried baby steps but always seem to take 2 forward then heaps back. I came out to friends and family - then went back in the closet out of fear... it sounds weird.

    I wish you the best on your journey ... maybe I didn't write advice so much as to let you know you're not alone in how you feel.

    Hopefully it gets better.

    Take care
     
    #18 lonewolf79, Aug 3, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2016
  19. Cool Bananas

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    It took me until I was 35 before I even said that I could be gay to one friend.
    Told them by instant message, so I would start by telling one gay friend, that will take the weight off your shoulders so to speak.
    It can be a slow process and sometimes certain things in your life will trigger you to do something.
    Reading this website has been great probably the best thing I found a few years ago.
     
  20. QuestionMark99

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    I think vulnerability plays such a big part of it for me. Not really about "relationships" as I'm not interested in that personally, but to say "I'm gay" opens you up to such an unknown that it messes with your head. Once you say it, you cannot take it back and the reactions you get can make or break everything. You're literally telling the world the biggest most important secret you've ever had to keep and waiting for them to respond...

    People often say that anyone who isn't supportive isn't worth having in your life. But silly Internet advice like that is not practical and you can't always just walk away from everything. Sometimes you have to take whatever comes at you and deal with the fact that everyone now has a new - either positive or negative - opinion of you and your life. That is a big deal.

    I'm not ashamed that I'm gay as I said earlier. Not at all. But I am ashamed about a lot of other things in my life, things that cannot be helped, things that I cannot fix, things that have left me open to immense scrutiny. To be in such a tight space already makes coming out seem counter-productive and almost downright insane. And of course that just sounds like another excuse...
     
    #20 QuestionMark99, Aug 3, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2016