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Did I make the right choice

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Stewie, Jul 28, 2016.

  1. Stewie

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    I'm sure everyone goes through this and it's nothing new(on here) but I guess I just wanted to type it out, it's been helpful to read my thoughts back to myself, even if no one responds.

    I was somewhat ready and somewhat prepared for the issues related to coming out, those I can control(in my situation anyway) by only telling people when I'm ready, and making baby steps as I'm prepared for the fallout. But the one thing I wasn't ready for was the actual separation from my wife of 20 years... She felt she needed to tell her parents we were separating, mutually, staying friends, roommates, taking care of each other, etc (I'm so lucky to have her) and I was ok with that, she swore she would never tell anyone "why" and she hasn't and she won't. But now that they know, it made it real...

    Guilt is the big one, I'm a strong guy, I know I could have sucked it up, threw on a smile(fake or real) and carried on for the rest of my life...never opening this door...not causing this pain to my loved ones...

    Doubt is next, did I make the right choice? Is this just a mid-life thing? WTF am I doing?

    Confusion, am I actually ... Can't even type it out.

    I could go on, with almost every negative emotion but I rant enough on here. Lost sums it up, lost in a world that I built, a life I've lived. I can see the path, but there's so many forks in the road ahead, it's like a maze, I want to move forward but I can already see some of those roads loop back and end rate where I'm at now... Lost.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2016 at 07:05 AM ----------

    See, I'm already feeling a bit better, I re-read that 3-4 times, posted it and then read it again. I didn't just open that door I KICKED it open, busted the hinges, broke the handle. I knew what I was doing, making sure it could never be closed again. That makes me smile, I know myself and I know if I had of done it slowly and just looked...I would have chickened out and then slammed it closed, locked it and then threw away the key.

    ...as the tears start again I've cried more in the last week then I have in the last tens years...

    I know what I have to do. Move forward one step at a time. :icon_bigg
     
  2. TravelerMe

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    This is such a great post for me. Going through all the same doubts about where I'm headed the maze as you say. All the evidence points one way and yet I still ask Really? What am I doing?

    I'm right behind you ready to make that choice; ready to tell my wife. Once its out there there's no way of un-knowing it. I appreciate your patience and courage that shines through.
     
  3. Justasking100

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    Totally get this. It feels like such a leap into the unknown. NOBODY unless you've been there yourself can tell you how brave you are and to others it may not seem like much but to the individual it's harder than they could ever imagine.

    ---------- Post added 28th Jul 2016 at 07:24 AM ----------

    I guess what I would say is that you don't often hear people regret coming out and wishing they could go back to their old life. I wish I could go back and take away some of the pain I caused though.
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    I un see understand both the lost feeling and the busting the door open thing. I said my emotional flood gates opened. I don't think I've ever let myself truly feel before, and now I feel way too much. So much that even good feelings sometimes feel painful. . I'm getting past the lost feeling now. Just feeling more lonely. That's a weird feeling for me, too. I've been alone almost 7 years, but just now I started feeling lonely.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Stewie

    Before I came out to my wife, I had one of the best days of my life. I finally, truly, accepted that I was bi (I decided if I was bi, I was gay). So, I had a gay day! Everytime I looked in the mirror I said "you are gay". I decided a gay guy had to do a little dancing with his yard work...just silly stuff to keep the gay hat on.

    The next day, it all came crashing down on me. "What am I doing?". I am destroying a 30 year marriage, my career (if my wife loses it), my family would be angry (they like gay...not bi), even my dog! (I had already come out to the cat and she was snooty...so whatever). I decided that I could go back in the closet and not deal with any of this.

    Then I remembered the day before. I was me...all of me. And, there was no turning back. Good luck. This will be good!
     
  6. Stewie

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    thanks for the support. Ehh.