A little update. I am a little fragile with my depression and keeping on going but days are hard. I'm seeing a guy, another gay dad who is recently out and we're spending a lot of time together and even have a holiday planned. Have sold my house and looking for a new one. I'm out to most people and have been a to a couple of prides. I guess the guy is now my boyfriend - he asked if he could use that term and I was like woah slow down, but I guess he is. Is it all too soon after all I only broke up with my ex in April time and things are still really hard for her. I really want to be happy and comfortable being gay but I think that will just take time. I am taking baby steps in all of this. Am away with my boyfriend (let's call him that) this weekend to visit a friend of mine for the weekend and look forward to a little cuddling and holding tonight in bed. It is all a little strange and new to me. I just want to be happy and comfortable being gay. I really do. I want to be that guy who people admire as he is comfortable in his own skin, gay and happy. That would be amazing. I don't want to be the person who is just questioning and doesn't know what he wants. I really want that now because the limbo I feel I've been in is rubbish - that am I gay am I not gay. That sucks big style. I think I'm being brave on one hand but in the other hand I didn't have a choice in the matter, I'm simply doing what it takes to get out of this depression in my view. Here's hoping it will lift soon. I'm on some new medication nicknamed 'California rocket fuel' so fingers crossed it does its job along with me just keeping on going. So here I am a little fragile but still going... Looking for strength.
Sounds like your actually progressing well on your journey. As you stated and recognize, it will take time and baby steps is the best way to do it. Your fortunate that you have a shoulder to lean on with your boyfriend during the early days of your transition. Being able to share the experience and be there for one another a the same time will help you progress - this was my similar experience. At the same time, consider carving out time to be alone and independent as well. You will need plenty of time to yourself as you contemplate and reflect. Believe it or not, you may not realize this consciously, but you already have the strength your looking for. Its there, right in front of you. Just re read your post and you will see it as I do.
thanks. I know i have to find the strength from within me but yes my boyfriend (cant believe i've typed that again) is right there for me. I am concious however of leaning on him too much and needing to be my own person as well, but he really is my crutch and we both don't know where we would be without each other these last few months. I'm still finding the sexual side of things a little uncomfortable though, after all its only since april that i've allowed myself to even fantasise about men such was the level of my closetedness to myself. My internalised homophobia was through the roof - hopefully as that thaws so will my mood and my general comfort with it all.
All of these things take time, but you really are making very good progress. It's only within the last few months that you faced up to the hidden feelings and internalised homophobia that kept you closeted for so long. Coming out to people, attending pride events and dating another guy shows that you are well on your way to being the person you want to be. Give yourself credit for what you have achieved already. It's normal to have worries and anxieties when you are on this journey, and there will be moments of pain and distress, but you are facing up to these issues and talking regularly to us and that's the best way to deal with everything. The pieces of the jigsaw will come together in the end, so have faith and don't force things. You are doing just fine!
Thanks Patrick. I'm impatient and sick of feeling low. I just want to be happy with myself and hope that I can get there. There's no reason not to be happy really with the exception of those who I've hurt by breaking off my relationship and my fears for how it will affect my daughter - I just wish I could get that coming out high that people talk about. After all the worst is over in terms of telling people - actually that wasn't that hard as I've got great open minded friends. Why can I not just be happy with being gay!! I thought it would be easier than it has been but I guess I'm having to change my mindset completely from chasing girls to chasing guys...
Patrick is correct - You have made amazing progress, and it will take time for you to heal. It will also take time for your mood to lift. In my experience the fastest way to heal is to focus on being gay. Enjoy spending time and cuddling with your BF. How do you feel when you are with your him? Does it feel more natural than when you were dating women? If not, try to figure out why and focus on overcoming those feelings. It's a process and journey, and you will get to where you want to be with time.
Yes, your mind is having to adjust to something new - something that it repressed and denied for many years and that's going to take a bit of time, but it will happen, believe me. Your mind is a wonderful, complex thing that is capable of processing all sorts of emotions, but it rarely does it overnight, or even over the course of a few weeks or months, and that's to be expected because were not just talking about a small and painless shift in direction here, are we? It will be a gradual, and often imperceptible process, so try to avoid wishing for a sudden high or uplift in your feelings and just carry on as you are with steady progress towards your goal. At some point you will look back and see how it's all come together and then the high may occur. Keep on keeping on!
