Hi friends, I've been seeing a woman for almost a month and I'm pretty smitten with her. I haven't written much about it because so much in my life has turned upside down right about the same time. Anyway, we bonded so quickly and have been really open with eachother in pretty much all the ways we can be, emotionally, sharing intimacy and affection. Even just writing this now I'm feeling all the stuff I feel when I'm with her, that warm fuzzy feeling in my chest, this amazing feeling kind of radiating through me. But there's this one aspect of it that I'm just scratching my head about and I wonder if you guys might have some insight. When we're together, every glance, touch and kiss fills me with that warm fuzzy feeling, but it also fills me with this sort of fear (?), apprehension (?) as well. I just don't know exactly why I feel that all the time. Have any of you guys ever felt this in your first gay relationship? And what is the reason for this? How do you manage it or deal with it? I think it could be one of several things... Internal homophobia sort of coming to the surface maybe? I'm incredibly open with her. When I feel this fear I just do whatever I feel the urge to do anyway, I don't entertain the fear at all. But it's still always there. And I'm just not sure why, if I am confronting it and being open and taking steps anyway, why that fear isn't evaporating? I've also been wondering, is it that the feelings are so strong and new that they sort of overwhelm me? Or is it because so much of my life is in turmoil right now, that it's hard for me to be present and relaxed about this experience with her? I have been trying to pace myself because I've got a lot going on, but we have been very positive, supportive and honest with eachother. So I think we're doing this the right way... I have really fallen for her, guys. I'm so terribly smitten. Any thoughts???
I haven't been in your situation yet and am still single since coming out, but I really think that it could just be that you don't feel ready yet because of all the turmoil in your life right now like you said. That said, I always felt a fear and apprehension when dating guys but pushed it aside because I didn't want to feel it even though I knew something was off. Is there something about her you feel would make her not right for you? Something about her personality or something? I am not saying that is it at all and in fact it probably isn't, it is just something that came to mind and I wanted to bring it up just in case. Really I think it is probably pretty normal to have mixed feelings when there is so much going on. Have you talked to her about it? Maybe that would help alleviate it a bit? Oh, and congratulations for finding someone!
Could it be that you have simply realised that "this is really happening". You spent many months and years worrying about it and questioning yourself and you probably wondered what it might be like to be with another woman many times over, and now it's actually happened. Sometimes that simple realisation can have a profound effect on our feelings. You've really fallen for her and you are pretty smitten, so could it be that you are a little bit worried and anxious about the way things will develop from this point. Might there be a fear of saying or doing the wrong thing as a 'novice' at lesbian dating? Could it be that you are trying too hard to make the right impression and it's got you treading on eggshells? Of course, you shouldn't rule out residual issues with internalised homophobia and if you have many other things going on in the background it could be significant in how you are feeling, but you are confronting the issues now by talking about them and that's important. Is there any way of explaining what's happening in more detail? What does the fear and apprehension feel like exactly? Can you try to describe it to us?
I think some apprehension is normal. I had a bit of anxiety with my first. Most of mine was wondering if I'd be good enough, or if a woman would like the way I kiss, or what have you. She told me that was normal to feel that way and was very patient with me. She reassured me that I was okay, and that she enjoyed me. Take your time. There are so many emotions that go with coming out and first relationships. There's learning, just as there was in your first hetero relationships.
Yes, so I think the thing is I'm ready in some ways but not in other ways. I'm ready to take the emotional risks and to feel these strong feelings. But my life isn't ready for all of that, if that makes sense. There are so many things that are up in the air. I suppose that's the most obvious thing, that the apprehension is coming from those feelings and from that context. Interesting, I've never felt that kind of fear and apprehension with guys, more so just an instinctual feeling that things are off, incomplete and unfulfilling. With her, nothing feels off in that way. We 'get' each other in a way I've never felt with a man. We can share anything. We sort of just clicked immediately, and were drawn to each other, first as friends and not long after, as more. She's kind and warm and supportive as well. We each encourage each other quite a lot. I've been quite comfortable as well to be more vulnerable with her more quickly than I've been with anyone else. She makes me feel very comfortable in my own skin and just being myself. All things that feel really "right" to me. I have actually, we talk about our feelings so openly. It did help to talk to her but I'm still left not really understanding this feeling, so it's still on my mind. Thanks! :icon_bigg
This does sort of feel like what I'm feeling... It's not the only thing, but I do think it's part of it. My first kiss with her was intoxicating, everything feels so powerful and wonderful. It's just something I've never really experienced at quite this level before. With men, it was always a bit mechanical to kiss or be affectionate. Sometimes it was warm and cosy, and there have been feelings a little like this but generally more tepid and muted. This is like a wave of emotion that just floods me. And it happens by touching just her hand. On some level I feel like a teenager, or a child. Just totally like I've been knocked backwards, and there's a feeling of discovery and unfamiliarity in all of these feelings that makes me wonder how do I navigate this, what the hell do I do with all of these feelings? Weirdly, I'm not worried about this. I though that would happen in my first lesbian experience but actually I am so comfortable with her, a bit nervous here and there, sometimes shy, but generally my feelings and thoughts seem to flow freely with her. I tell her what I feel for her in such direct terms, and express affection really freely as well. And in terms of fear of doing intimate things, she's a novice too, this is her first lesbian relationship, so that's not really scary to me. We are very patient with each other. I do think this plays into it, but I'm not sure exactly how to understand it and why it's surfacing in the way it is. It's a new context for me to feel these "inner demons" so I'm not really clear on how to sort through them. Internalised homophobia for me growing up surfaced as general discomfort about lesbians, thinking of lesbian intimacy as "dirty" or "threatening" (not gay men though) coupled with a strong draw to read and watch and consume all sorts of lesbian themed films and books. My own denial of my feelings surfaced mostly in doing everything to show interest in women, flirting, putting myself in situations where I could be intimate with women, but then never following through with actually kissing, or making a date, or whatever the thing was that I "almost" let myself do. I'm not sure if that background is meaningful... I do also feel this plays a part. My life is completely upside down at this moment, and this is all happening on the heels of everything else. So, let's say she is sitting next to me, and I feel this desire just to take her hand. I reach over and I do it, and it feels amazing. I'm so warm and fuzzy all over. But at the same time, as I'm reaching over this sort of unpleasant feeling creeps up on me.l in my chest and the back of my neck. It's like a cold and unsettled feeling. It's nothing like being nervous. I'm having trouble articulating this, honestly. So I get these waves of this lovely amazing warm fuzzy feeling that kind of replace it again, but then the unsettled feeling will come back and pass again, like the two feelings are competing against eachother. ---------- Post added 29th Jul 2016 at 09:46 AM ---------- There is *so much* to learn! For the most part it's just very nice. But at this point in my life there's also an element of...my life is changing so quickly, and so many other stressors are all happening at once too.
barista you sounded so much like one of my friends! She actually used almost the same words when she was describing her bf to me: really smitten, warm and fuzzy but also uncertain and worried. Backstory of my friend: last year she started dating her first bf at the age of 30. Before that for as long as I could remember she always told me she was certain that no one would ever genuinely love her. Could it be similar in your case? Like you spent a long time (consciously or unconsciously) convincing yourself this would never happen, and now you are afraid to just wake up one day and realize nothing is real? Anyway hugs! I hope you get used to being happily in love very soon.
Hey barista I've been following your threads over the past months and firstly can I say you've come a long way in your journey from questioning to acceptance to finding someone. I know that you have had issues to sort with your previous partner and maybe that's playing a little bit in your mind that you've been seeking closure on the past and have found someone else that you are doing great with. I know when I split from the man I was seeing after coming out to him I had a lot to deal with that played on my mind even when I got girlfriend it didn't seem real somewhere in my mind I was wrestling with the am I sure this relationship is true and I'm right to leave my ex for a woman and will this work out or have I got it wrong... It took time to relax into the relationship I kind of felt a guilt myself like in the way you described when I went to kiss her or hold her hand something was there saying this isn't what's ment to happen but then I had the strong emotions of yes this is right. I'm really happy to see you are in your first relationship with someone who you can talk too and be happily in love with your road to acceptance has been a long one but it sounds like you are almost there
I am so far behind you in coming out ..... but I would love to be feeling this right now! I don't have any advice but this is a good problem to have!
I didn't have anything like that. I had a few days of shock, because didn't really expect it. I was a little blindsided. Somewhere around the 2 1/2 or 3 week mark we talked and decided we wouldn't date anyone else and here we are. It's all felt incredibly normal. However, I know you've put a lot into your coming out, so I'm sure there is some anticipation issues your're dealing with and, of course, the marriage thing. Those two are enough to elicit said response.
So pleased for you, baristajedi. What it sounds like to me, is that we create meaning and identity in our lives from our interpretations of the experiences we have had so far. So part of your identity has been "I am a person who doesn't get/can't have/isn't entitled to what I really want, relationshipwise." Now you are in a relationship, you are obviously thrilled, but at the same time the whole experience is contradicting one of the main pillars you have previously used to construct your sense of self. This can be very frightening, feeling we are losing our sense of self. Having just left my marriage I am also trying to establish my identity, because it got buried beneath my anxious desire to please everyone (bar myself) and do the right thing. My therapist came up with something I will remember forever. She said that it's much better to build your own identity than let others shape it for you, because then you have the freedom to change it on a daily basis if you wish. My own first attempted relationship has not materialised, but now that we have established that it is "friends only", we are getting on better than ever. I have a date with somebody new on Monday, but am concerned about the fact that she lives an hours drive away and our work schedules are not very compatible, however, I though it was worth giving it a try because she seems very nice. She has been out since her teens, and only ever dated women, but has said she is not put off by my lack of experience. I have had no opportunity to date anyone else who is inexperienced. Such women who have expressed initial interest have backed out at the point of arranging an actual date, leading me to think they are panicking. I have also had people say they won't date me because I am only "bi-curious" and may decide it's not for me. I tell them if I was only curious, I wouldn't have burnt my boats by leaving my husband on such a flimsy premise, but they're not convinced. Where did you meet this special woman, if you don't mind me asking?
Just wanted to make sure it's clear, I think my original post may not have been very clear... I'm not yet at the stage of starting my new life. I'm still married, working towards separation, and so I'm not yet at a point where I can build a real long term relationship with a woman. I am seeing this woman, whom I have really fallen for, and it's a lovely and wonderful experience. But I can't make any real predictions about how this will go as all the steps unfold in my life. My daughter's sense of security and stability come first so there may be a point where I can't focus on much else for a while. At this point, we're being honest with eachother, pacing ourselves in seeing eachother, making time to see eachother regularly but also working on our own individual needs. For me a lot of time is taken up by my family, and investing time in becoming a better team with my husband to do all of these things the right way for our daughter. I'm right now just trying to work towards a vision for our future. But it will take a lot of work and time to get there. You guys are the best, and I appreciate your words of congratulations in me getting to this point, but I just wanted to be clear what point I'm actually at right now I'm going to respond to your responses as I get the chance but it may take time through the day. ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2016 at 04:10 AM ---------- Thanks yuanzi In my case, it's not so much that I worry it's not real...but there is a sense of thinking am I doing this the right way? Meaning, is it wise to feel and experience this before everything's sorted with my marriage? Are these feelings going to overpower me and make it hard for me to focus on the things I should be focusing on? Am I acting like a teenager? (I feel like a teenager). ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2016 at 04:15 AM ---------- Thanks confusedbubble . I'm still sorting things with my husband...and so while I have found someone, I'm not sure what will happen as I continue sorting through everything with my marriage snd get my daughter into a secure stable routine. I'm feeling a lot of what you describe here. And in addition, feeling things like what am I doing? Really what the hell am I doing in general, my life is full of so many changes and I'm a bit overwhelmed with it all. ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2016 at 04:17 AM ---------- you will get there findingjoy! You're moving forward every day!!! And it does feel quite amazing. It's so hard to describe. I know you will find someone who makes you feel this way. You're well on your way to becoming the most authentic you. ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2016 at 04:19 AM ---------- Afgirl, I think what you're saying is absolutely right; the anticipation, this emotional journey I've been on, and the point I'm at in my life and the issues I'm sorting through to end the marriage, these are all likely creating a lot of overwhelming emotions. ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2016 at 04:20 AM ---------- Afgirl, I think what you're saying is absolutely right; the anticipation, this emotional journey I've been on, and the point I'm at in my life and the issues I'm sorting through to end the marriage, these are all likely creating a lot of overwhelming emotions.
Landgirl, I think this is definitely true for me; I have created this pillar for myself. I've never thought of it this way. I also think, the stage I'm in, still working on leaving my husband, makes it all the more emotional. I'm sorry about the frustrations you're having with other women who are either more or less experienced than you. I met this woman at an LGBT event in our city. I've been going to LGBT meetups out in by our LGBT centre for a while and she just happened to be at one of them. Do you have an LGBT centre in your city?
I live in a small village. My nearest city (30 minutes away) has a LGBT centre, which offers listening, advice, practical and legal help, and has several groups advertised which meet there. I've been along twice to their group for gay women, and each time there was only half a dozen people there, which seemed to me to be pretty poor for a decent sized city. From the gay people I have met, it seems that although they know about this place, few of them ever use it, or certainly not for socialising at any rate. A woman who recently moved to the city set up a social group which meets monthly, and quickly got over 100 members. I have been to quite a few of their events, and get on well with the people there, but nobody else seems to be using the group to try and find partners, or if they are, they're going about it so subtly you wouldn't know. I also belong to a walking group based in the county, but this contains a lot of the same women as the other group. So at the moment, I have dated only half a dozen women I have met online, and they were all very nice, but whilst I have gained one close friend, nothing else has come of it. The other problem I have encountered is that the lesbian dating world is very incestuous. Several of the women at the groups have dated each other in various combinations, and still socialise frequently with their exes. One of the women I met up with turned out to be the ex of the previous one's best friend, despite living best part of a hundred miles away, which really freaked me out. Yet breaking away from this close-knit core of people involves reaching those who don't do the scene and are existing under the radar, so to speak. How you meet these other women, unless by chance you happen to work next to one, remains a mystery to me!
