First Lesbian Date at 40

Hi, will try and keep this short but advice needed please, sorry if I've missed a thread on this already but I checked and couldn't find one.

I am 40 but not 100% sure about where I fit on the sexuality line. Until now, I've only had relationships with men, they've been grand but haven't set my world on fire. I've always been attracted to women though, since my teenage years. The teachers and lecturers I liked and admired most, I guess you could say I had a crush on, it was more than just liked, were all women. I've had crushes on female friends but kind of put it down to just liking them a lot and enjoying spending time with them. Although I've never acted on it I think I've always known I'm attracted to women. It wasn't shame or anything that kept me from doing so, if I'm honest I don't know why. Anyway, in the last few months I've thought a lot about it and decided I want to date women, see how it goes and if I've just been the slowest learner ever at being in touch with my feelings! What I can say is that I am incredibly happy since I've decided to do this, like a permanent grin on my face, and I am really excited about what could happen. And to me that can only be a good sign.

I don't know the gay scene where I live very well but I'm about to head out on my first lesbian date, we met online a couple of weeks ago. And now my question: I want to tell the woman exactly where I'm at, I don't want to act like I've lived a gay life all my life when I haven't and it would feel false. We've just been in touch through an online site and kind of hit it off enough to go for a coffee. Should I wait to tell her in person or explain before and give her the chance to tell me no if it makes her uncomfortable? I don't want her to feel like she's been used so that I can work out my sexuality. My instinct tells me this is the right thing to do. Am I right or blowing this out of proportion?

If I've been way out of line in not bringing this up with the woman before now, tell me please and I'll make amends. Thanks for any advice.

 

Hi there,

Thanks a million for the advice, really makes sense. I guess I was worried that I'm entering a new world that I don't know very well and didn't want to make a huge faux pas on my first go. That said, I would never have considered revealing my sexual history over coffee before so no reason why this should change now. Very glad to have a steer though, thank you.

About the permanent grin: it's a bizarrely wonderful feeling, like you've just opened a door to a whole new world of possibilities, you kinda knew the door was there before but you never pushed through. From life, and reading threads here, I know that's not everyone's experience so I feel lucky. I'm not naïve about relationships or think that this is necessarily going to be a fairytale ending but for now I'm just enjoying how great it feels, long may it continue!

 

Thanks all, it's a nice feeling to know that I can come here and hear your thoughts knowing that you've been through or are going through similar experiences. I guess I've reached a stage in my life where I feel content, I'm happy, relaxed and take things in my stride. Waking up to realising how I feel about women should possibly scare the hell out of me but it hasn't. I'm sure the nerves will kick in and I'll go through ups and downs as I explore this part of me but right now I'm just completely open to it and excited.

RosePetals, mind that heart and I hope you find that groove again soon.

 

Hey all,

So I didn't have that first coffee date until about three weeks ago, had another one last week and this week we're having dinner in her place. I'm still very excited by everything, everything is very new, nothing has happened yet, we've hugged but we'll see how things go at her house, some expectations of something, a kiss, maybe more but not sure. Anyway, I haven't lost that permanent grin yet, I'm happier than ever. From reading posts here I am mindful of being careful about rushing or allowing myself to think this is love, with singing birds fluttering around my head and cherubs appearing out of nowhere, but it is a lovely feeling to have taken that decision to push forward and to feel pure happiness.

Hope you guys are all doing well.

 

Hey Blonde Explorer, thanks, sound advice, I think I might have given the wrong impression - when I said expectations of 'a kiss and maybe more' - I meant a cuddle. I'm not rushing anywhere just yet. We've been in touch for over two months, first month by email, then we met twice for coffee and have texted quite a lot over the last month. I'm taking this easy, trying not to get caught up in the feeling of 'this is what I should have been doing all along' but enjoying that feeling at the same time. We haven't had any conversations about our previous relationships or history yet but I'd never lead her astray on that. I'm hoping I'll know when the right time to let her know that this is all new to me will come up and I'll be completely honest.

 

Good for you Rosepetals, lovely to hear that. Taking it at our own pace, not long after a third date. It was lovely, nothing more than a hug, seemed like the appropriate time for a kiss when we were parting but I bottled it. It's okay though, still enjoyed hanging out with her. A lot.

 

Question for you: so I met with someone for the third time, two coffees and once in her home for a take out (as above). It felt like we should kiss good-night when I was leaving. I'm naturally shy and also never been in this situation before with a woman (which she doesn't know), but we stood awkwardly talking in her hall by the door for about five minutes before I left. What if she's shy too? Do you just go for it when your gut says go for it? Even as I ask this teenage like question (sorry) I know the answer. I'm a wear your heart on your sleeve kind of person - she's not, that much I know, but I like her, and she likes me - you don't invite someone into your home if you don't like them, do you? I'm an idiot.