Every person I've dated or relationship I've had resulted in the person leaving me. Usually the only explanation I get is they "aren't feeling it", if I get any answer at all. I also get stood up or cancelled on quite often. Why? I really wish someone would tell me. Maybe I could fix it if I knew. I've sort of been seeing someone for about 2 months, but most of the past month we've only texted, not seen each other. To be fair, 1 week I was on a camping trip, and 2 weeks she was out of state. Tonight we were supposed to see each other again, finally. As usual for me, she canceled. I don't think she's canceled on me before, but the last woman I dated did quite a few times, and many of my friends do, too. And I still don't know why. Am I attracted to flaky people, or am I that off-putting? I don't know whether to keep trying with this one, or to walk away. I've never walked away from anyone before. They have always left me. And I really like being around her. She is beautiful, sweet, and fun. Ugh. I never know what to do.
I doubt you need to fix anything but maybe you just need to change things up a bit. Did you ever see that episode of Seinfeld where George decides to do everything opposite to what he would instinctively do? And then everything starts to work out for him? I'm not saying act out of character but maybe do things slightly different. So, if they keep cancelling on you, are the plans too tentative, making it easy to cancel? Why not try being a bit more assertive? "ABC is playing at XYZ. I really like them and would love to take you on Friday at 7. OK?" Or some other little change to how you usually go about things. Just a thought.
Can you get in touch with people a little while after when the emotion has died down a bit ... Ask the question and say would be helpful for your self Development For me it's been both in the past 'it has been me and also it's been them ---------- Post added 30th Jul 2016 at 10:22 PM ---------- Like attracts like
A couple of things. Is it possible you are coming across as a bit desperate? Do you answer texts the second you get them, and then worry that if the other person doesn't respond instantly they are losing interest? This is something I have problems with. At 55 I feel my life has almost passed me by, and I want a new relationship urgently, I don't want to waste another second. However, I am aware that potential dates can find this offputting, so I try and rein back a bit, even though it makes me anxious to do so. I'm not suggesting you should go as far as pretending you don't care, but having the courage to experiment and go against your usual behaviour might yield some interesting information. Secondly, are you simply trying to make all the facts fit an existing mindset of "This always happens, nobody loves me"? You say some of your friends behave like this too, but why are you focusing on the ones that do, rather than the ones that don't? What about the rest, the considerate and steadfast ones? What makes these relationships different?
Thanks everyone for your replies. Really, the plans aren't tentitive. They're things like leaving at 7 am for a day trip to Chicago to attend Pride. Or meeting at 10pm for a movie. ConciousRose, I've tried asking people before. I've only dated 2 women as of now, but the first one I still am very friendly with. She swears for her it's her own fear of commitment that makes her cancel, and why we stopped dating. Landgirl, I might come off desperate in that I usually answer messages quickly. I'm very frequently on my phone, though, so I figure if I'm seeing them, I should answer. As for them responding and me getting anxious, I usually get anxious after its been 12 hours or so, and generally only after I see they've been posting on Facebook and such, which makes me think they're not super busy. I've tried to back down quite a bit, but it seems the more I back down the less I hear from people. I almost wonder if it's the opposite and I come across too stand-offish? But I can't tell. My friends that I've had for many years are very limited. I don't meet people easily, as I don't have coworkers that I see, I only have 2 patients and I've kept them for years, I go to school online (hence the constant use of my phone for reading my school books), and I am raising 6 kids so I don't get out much when I'm home except volunteering at Scouts. I've had people tell me that they feel inferior when they hear the list of things I do. I don't want that, and I try to hold back some, but when they ask things about me, I tell. Maybe that has something to do with it? I'm not sure. The really crappy thing is that with all I do, it takes a concerted effort on my part to schedule things, trying to be as flexible with people as I can, only to get canceled on. Then I've used sitter resources, rearranged study times, etc just to sit alone. *sigh*
I really don't understand people who just stand others up, I find it incredibly disrespectful. How difficult is it to not make plans you don't want in the first place or canceling in time if you change your mind? I also don't think you come off as too desperate when you answer right away, I am the same way and expect it from others too. I see it as a really positive trait because it makes you seem like a more genuine person who does not play games. Which is something I value very highly in people, both as friends and potential dates. You just keep being you! Try not to take flaky people personally, the problem is definitely with them and not with you.
Thanks, HappyGirlLucky. The woman that I dated and we're now friends instead says the same thing. She tells me there's nothing wrong with me, it's just that none of us are meant for everyone and finding the right one is hard. I hope she's right.
Maybe it's just them, and they don't really mean anything by it? This is not really advice as such, but I'm one of those people who leave messages from friends for weeks days before replying. I don't mean anything by it. Just not in the mood to write a decent reply. I don't think anything negative about my friends who do reply within minutes. Sorry you're feeling down about all this.
