A Deep Emotional Bond I was not Expecting, now what...

This cute little fireball pursued me for three years – I’ve never rec’d so many ‘love’ notes in the course of my entire life. I love you, I miss you, where are you, thank you with all kinds of hearts and flowers; this was coming from a 30 year old woman. So bubbly and smiling all the time around me, complementing me, etc. I was so taken aback during those years that I really put her in ‘little sister’ zone. She started the whole playful bantering thing and would really zing me at times – she’s fun, playful and totally a cutie :icon_wink I should also add that she is flirtatious with other women, it’s part of her nature.
Fast forward to now (3 years in) and I realized all the little love notes had stopped, but what was left on her part was this deep attachment to me. She had tried to ‘let me go’ because I missed the cue to ‘move out of the little sister act and into something more nurturing’. And I realized for the first time, I felt something for her! Something more than just ‘ah my little sister’. It was more like, ‘My God those eyes…’ and I felt the need to pull her in closer to me, give her more of my time, effort and care. Since she ‘dumped me’ and we had been moving sideways for a few months, one day I decided to pull way back and see if there was really anything there- not always looking at her or playing with her, coming to talk with her etc., and just treated her like anyone else – to my shock, there was something more there. She grabbed me halfway through the day, tears in her eyes and said ‘what is wrong with you? What are you doing?’ Her expression floored me…We talked for a few minutes and she said she was jealous of my attention and didn’t like me not responding to her. I had NO IDEA she was so attached to me and I felt guilty about it.
But I did have to test her…she’s unhappily married and a total ‘rescue case’. I think I bought the goods. So at that point – which was 2 months ago – I started treating her more like a girlfriend. Told her I cared for her and loved her (she lit up) and we have been in what I would consider an emotional affair. I don’t think she gets that, but that’s really what it is. She’s always floating around me throughout the day, flirty and open to connecting…emotionally. And that’s the thing – I think she has made it pretty clear to me she is strictly hetero in her sexual preference. I’m kinda sad about this – I would not have sexual relations with her anyway because she is married – to me this is not an option, but that’s my preference. I would never want anyone to cheat on me physically – but here I am in an emotional affair :eusa_doh: I see her everyday, she’s attached to me, I nurture her and she responds in a loving, if not submissive fashion to me. It’s amazing and beautiful. If men only understood how to act masculine in the right ways, they would get the submission from us that they are always whining about. Anyway, I’m addicted to this bond with her. As much as I want to back off to protect my own heart (because if she can’t see me as sexually attractive, there’s not much future whatever she decides to do in her marriage – why? – because even if we had something asexual, I wouldn’t be able to handle it knowing she still could be sexually attracted by a man) I really care about her so my energy is wrapped up in her. I guess there’s no way of telling when someone who is hetero may be open to something more fluid, but I feel I need to relax into this space of actually caring for someone, regardless of what is reciprocated.
Am I fooling myself that I can keep this from getting toxic? Should I cut the ropes, or instead accept the bond she’s created with me and love her for it? One thing I love seeing is how much better she feels about herself lately and that makes me feel good because I genuinely want her to be happy. But I feel sometimes like I’m enabling her to continue to live an unhappy life by filling in the gaps her husband can’t fill. I think she may be same gender romantic and for some reason, I do it for her. Is this cheating? If I had seen the attachment coming, I wouldn’t have stepped into this position, but it’s to late. I don’t know how to back out and not hurt her (or myself). Any insight on this situation and advice would be most appreciated. I have no one to talk to about it, and being on the inside, subjective perspective, we usually don’t see the whole picture.

 

Thank you RosePetals, I like that you said to just enjoy it for now. It really isn't everyday I have this kind of experience and to me, it is special. If the course of life ended this relationship, then it would be easier to accept, so maybe just enjoying it and not getting serious about the future would be best. As far as enabling a bad marriage, I don't think I'm actively doing that - but more so, she looked outside of her marriage to find something to help her hold on and, voila, there I was and she latched on. We do communicate well, so I could bring this up to her and see where she's coming from.

 

Orchidea, wow your words tugged at my heart.She does deserve patience and unconditional time from me, you are right. Thank you for that. Sometimes I can get too focused on what is right and wrong verses just letting love work. I can do this for her since she did it for me and it would not be a difficult thing for me to give. For sure the girl is tenacious and strong willed; she took a lot of empty feedback from me before she withdrew, and still opened back up to me once I finally woke up and saw how precious she is to me. She also knows anybody can change for a day and she's not letting me off easy; but I've hung in there with her; becoming more intimate in our communication has been key.
I'm not basing my assumption of her orientation on much, but once we were talking in a group and she said she has tried and couldn't imagine being with another woman, made an 'ewww' face and shimmied, haha! She's adorable...anyway, I was happy because, well, she was thinking about it! If you don't mind sharing, were you weirded out at the beginning, when you first realized you were in love with a woman and your thoughts went sexual? What was the process you went through in accepting your feelings for another woman? Did you go through denial?
I agree completely about the emotional connection because that is how I function in my sexuality - emotional bond first, then sexual. We have hugged a few times, namely during those rough few weeks she was testing me after I had pulled back. We were more affectionate during that time I assume to reinforce the bond that was being pulled like a rubber band, shew, not fun. But though she will not move away when I touch her, and actually leans into my body and my touch, she doesn't really 'go sexual' in her looks, language or touch. She once commented, when I was searching her feelings out about me, that 'I let you play with my hair, what more do you want?!' We both started laughing because honestly, I was clueless! A woman's hair means that much? I totally missed it~
She can flirt like nobody's business, but it is not sexual in nature, more banter and trying of egos. She shows most signs of being attracted, but she doesn't reach for me, my face or put her hands on me much - every now and then lightly. Other women she can be all over them, (makes me feel needy sometimes when i see that). Like you said, loving her and supporting her is what I will focus on. I'll give her the time she needs to figure out the rest - it won't change how special she has become to me.

 

Orchidea, your insight isn't confusing and is on point for where I am right now. Love makes us do funny things, but my heart is not always laughing. This is hard. You're right, it's like we love suffering. Like it's better to suffer than to be bored or numb in our current situations, whatever they may be. At least, that's how I feel. I'm not out, so it's difficult to just go find another woman to date to get my mind less focused on her. You mentioned 'having fallen for her'...so beautiful and so frightening; I think that's where I find myself...I just wonder if my fireball has found herself there? Something tells me I could just be her emotional release valve...who ever falls in love like that? I know it takes a lot to maintain an emotional bond like this, with me and her home life, so her flirting with others isn't much in the grand scheme of things because I'd rather have the emotional satisfaction of knowing her heart, which I do. And I get the flirting too, just not as hands on as I crave. Having a friendship with her while looking elsewhere for companionship is good advice. I need to stop hoping I'll get more time with her. I mean, what am I looking for really? She being married equates to unavailability to share or grow our lives together and this coupled with my own boundaries will get us not very far unless she makes a decision about her life. It's the desire to comfort and rescue her - I need to quit that! But that's exactly how she approaches me. She gets all soft and submissive on me, she's so open and responsive. I can't really let that go right now.