I couldn't keep not telling my wife that I am trans and it was eating me up inside. So after a really good day I mustered the courage to tell her. I've thought about every possible reaction, mostly bad, and wrote down my thoughts and then told her. It wasn't the absolute worst reaction I could have received, but it was close. I hace read everything I could about reactions and she had most of them. Anger and denial most promentntly. I've ruined her life. I've lied to her. I've destroyed our family. It feels terrible to have done this to her. I do not feel good about it.
Don't think about it as you having done anything to her. You didn't choose this. It's something that's happening to you as well. Be patient and understanding about the grief process she's going to have to go through, but also understand that you didn't create it. You need to be your true self.
You are a strong and brave woman, and as Rosepedals said this isn't something you did to her, this wasent a choice, it was the truth, and hopefully with some time to process the situation, she will be more understanding, prepare for the worst, hope for the best. Give her some space, be brave stay strong. Keep us updated. Big hugs and loads of love.
Hi Jjannon, (&&&) just like the others have said, this isn't something you've done to your wife, this is who you are. It was so brave of you to be honest with her. I know how hard this is, I'm so sorry that she's taking it so hard. Big bug hugs (*hug*) stay strong Jjannon.
Hi there. This process is absolute hell, no sugar coating it. Do you have some kind of plan for what you want to happen now? If not, make sure you consider all the issues related to divorce, especially when there are kids involved. Legal, financial, emotional. I recall SiennaFire put together a post about this but don't remember when/where. Ask him. Also, do you have a support network outside of your wife? Things are about to get very stressful at home and you should make sure you have a place to go. Good luck and keep posting.
Hi Jjannon, Sorry you're having a difficult time. What you've done is really brave. What everyone is saying is right; this wasn't your choice. (*hug*)
Oh Jjanon, I am really sorry your wife reacted so poorly! (*hug*) I want to add to what everyone else has already said; it was not your choice and it was really brave of you to be open with her about who you are. Hopefully your wife's reaction came out of surprise, perhaps she will feel a bit better about it once she has had some time to process it? You will get through this! (&&&)
Thanks everyone. I know that this is something that I just didn't decide. But it feels like shit. I caused her to feel terrible. If I had not told her about this it would only be me that feels horrible instead of both of us. Everyone says it's brave but it doesn't feel like that. If feels weak and cowardly and selfish. She is everything to me and I have destroyed her entire world view. I have friends for support but no one who knows about me.
Jjannon, hiding this is not the way that would have been best for everyone. You did the right thing, the noble thing. Even though the short term feels terrible, being honest and living true to you is better for everyone. Big big big hugs.
Hi Jjanon, You've taken an important and courageous steps towards living authentically as a woman. I know there is nothing that I can say to alleviate the guilt that you must feel after receiving your wife's angry words. You dropped a bomb on her, so she needs time to process her feelings. Please realize that you have not destroyed the family; the family will continue to exist except it will be redefined in non-traditional terms (your children will have two moms, potentially living in separate houses). Your children will know the real you because you'll no longer have the need to keep secrets. The process of coming out to a spouse is not fun, and you'll probably face many more difficult conversations with your wife in the coming months. What I can assure you based on my personal experience is that once you get past the difficult part you will start living authentically as the person who you were born to be and you will become happier and more content than you were while living a lie. http://emptyclosets.com/forum/blogs/siennafire/13373-preparing-come-out-your-spouse-gay.html (&&&)
The only other option you had was staying in the closet, and where would that have led you, you would have been fighting this battle with yourself for the rest of your life and what would that have done to your family... Guaranteed it would have turned out much, much worse then it is now. I could go on but, only you can imagine it, only you know your kids and how much harder that would have been, take a minute and think it through. This was not a selfish or cowardly act, this was done out of love. Love for youself, love for your wife, your kids, your family. I know it's hard to see that now, but as I said imagine the aftermath of you holding this in any longer... This wasn't a choice, this is who you are. More (&&&)(&&&)(&&&). Have courage there's more yet to come.
Jjanon, almost everything is said, so it makes no sense to repeat it. You are a brave woman but regardless how brave you are, you need someone to speak to, someone you can be open with about any aspect of your life. My lifesaver was my therapist and she still is. If you don't have one, maybe you want to start looking. I hope that your wife will be open for honest and frequent communication after the first shock subside and that you can sort it out. (*hug*) Hugs, Thessa
Hey you, I just happened to click on this part of the forum for older perspectives and saw your post. You did it friend, you did it. Your wife is the biggest part of your life and you told her. She had a right to know and you put her in the picture. If the shoe was on the other foot, you would want her to talk to you about something that was dominating her life. She will feel many feelings, no doubt, but it was the right thing for you to do. Lying by omission wasn't doing you or her any good. There are many different reasons why we fall in love and she doesn't just love you for being a man (in my opinion, it isn't the biggest part of loving someone). As the others have said, she will grieve the loss but she will go through different stages of understanding and acceptance. Remember how hard it's been for you? All the different levels of thought and feelings? She'll feel and experience that too. You have NOT done to her; you have given her all the information you wanted her to have. And in time, she will step back from the stark emotional side of things and will understand. For the moment, just let her go through the process and let her know that you are there to talk when she needs to. But at the same time, consider yourself and how you want to move forward with your life. Because Jjanon, you will always be you and no one can live your life for you. Take care and here if you need to talk.
Again, thanks for the support. I am trying not to be defeatist about this but it is really hard. I've been on the verge of tears all day, crying a couple of time, not because of my shit but because I am, not intentionally, the cause of her hurt and I can't do anything to make it better. We are going to counseling together. I don't want to commit to anything right now, I.e. Transition, or hormones or whatever, but she needs that before she can figure.her out. I want to take it slow to bring her with me if I can. I have the slimmest about of hope going forward.
Hugs to you, Jjanon, during a challenging time of life. You did the right thing. Try to look forward as much as you can. One thing I've learned from coming out (in my case as bisexual) is no matter how others react, I'm going to be me, and I'm bi, and I'm gonna be an awesome bi. People will see that and hopefully want to be part of my life. So, my only advice is to look forward as best you can, and be an awesome woman. It's a rough time, but things will definitely get better. Hugs to you.
