So I'm in a contemplative mood today. Just thinking about my journey a bit. I'm at an interesting point right now; i feel a bit of this sort of vision for my future is forming more solidly in my head, but I also feel this deep sense of something...loss, I suppose at the end of all the things in my life that have to end. Obviously that's in terms of my marriage, the life I thought I'd have for my daughter, even though I know we can forge a better one in time. This won't make much sense, because I didn't expect to care much about it, but I suppose at the end of anything, you can feel a lot of loss; I think I'm kind of grieving the life I've known until now. Not so much the straightness of that life, just something about knowing what the map was supposed to look like. It's surprising me to even write this because I've never been one much for having a life blueprint. Maybe it's just a particular scariness of entering into the void. I'm not quite at a point yet where I feel optimism and happiness at my future vision. But I like to see it there, as kind of this blurry distant picture. It brings some sense of hope. But I also feel like that picture looks so foreign in some ways. I see this authentic me, a me I know, but one I've never had the courage to be. Her life is so strikingly different than this one. And it's not a comfortable place either, it's one full of risk, a true one that requires a particularly strong sense of self, and a lot of hard work on my own, with a little person depending on me the whole time. Something about all of that feels a bit daunting. I don't mean for this post to sound like I'm just in total fear right now. The truth is I'm feeling overall more calm and confident. But this feeling is also there too. Does anyone relate?
I've be contemplating leaving my partner for longer than I've been seriously questioning, and the prospect of being on my own looking after my daughter for a lot of the time has always been frightening. I know I won't be alone really, as my partner will still want to be really involved with her, but still, it's going to be harder. Parents go it alone all the time, though, and seem to survive. I'm sure you'll do a great job!
After reading your post, my first thought was "I don't actually relate" but after reading it though I can and do relate quite a bit actually, our situations are quite the opposite in some regards, but with the same underlying issue. After living as long as we have as straight regular people, you form an identity, a persona that you live and have built up, I knew who I was 3 weeks ago, I fit a mold, I was like "almost" everyone else. And now... The path I thought I was following turned into a maze, even the feel of the ground I walk on is different now. But I'm happy within myself, I feel like I'm being my true self, so whatever path I start down next I know I'll be able to walk it with my chin up. You sound like a strong woman, someone who takes a stand, this will make you a better mother, you will be able to teach her to love herself and be true and honest. (&&&)
fear of the unknown, fear for being a single parent, fuzzy vision of what and who you are becoming and who you want to be.... Daunting? Yes; exhilarating? Yes and as I move forward, satisfying even if I haven't had a relationship with a man yet. im similar to you Jedi, and a bit different in that my marriage had to end and did before I came out, even to myself, and my child was 14 (just turned 18 on Saturday) when we split but the fears are the same. so what your feeling is, in my experience fairly normal or common for people starting over. it does get better (*hug*)
Barista, I went through a similar period, but I'm past it now, and onto hope for the future. You will get there.
Thanks for all the support and encouragement, guys (&&&) I think that my feelings are a mingle of fear and loss and grief right now. But I do also feel hope and optimism about where this path is heading. I know I'm on the right path, it's just daunting sometimes.
