My (opposite-sex) partner is the only person I've ever been with in any sense, and as horrible as it is to say this, there's part of me that's always felt that I 'settled'. My partner has also had concerns about the same thing in the past, as I'm also his first long-term relationship. However, I've been reading posts on a parenting forum over the weekend, and it seems a lot of people don't feel satisfied in their relationships. So, I guess what I'm asking whether there is actually more out there or not? Do great relationships with fulfilling connections actually exist? To be honest, I think if somebody told me that I was never going to achieve the type of relationship I'm envisioning, then I'd probably stay where I am. There are elements of my current relationship that are never going to be great, but it's not horrendous either. If you're still reading...My partner is totally against holding hands in public or anything like that. To be honest, the only time he shows affection is when he wants sex. But, I'd love a relationship with little displays of affection. I'm just using this as an example, because it's always bothered me a little bit, but I can survive without it, particularly now I don't have romantic feelings towards him.
I think a lot of people settle because it is expected of you to get married and have children and all that. Some have children and decide to stay together for them. From what I have seen the majority of relationships are not that great, and most seem to stay together out of complacency and fear of being single. That said, great relationships do exist. My best friend and her boyfriend have one of those, I mean they have the usual little fights but things always gets resolved quickly and both are very happy with each other. I could tell right from the start that they were going to last and now they have been together for 5 or so years. I will be very surprised and sad if they ever break up. I think the difference is that they are both very respectful and mature people, they listen to each other and do everything they can to make sure the other is happy. There is no resentment or passive-aggressiveness because they can come up with fair compromises when needed. I know a few more couples like them, but they are really rare. That said, the only two lesbian couples I know fit that description also. :lol: Studies have shown that gay couples are happier in general and one contributing factor is probably because it is easier to communicate with someone of your own gender than the opposite. Things like PDA and levels of affection in general can still be an issue (especially PDA if someone is not comfortable being out to everyone or lives in a very dangerous place), but I think it is easier to talk about it when that becomes a problem and with PDA, to make up for it at home. Like you I like affection and have no problem with PDA. For me it would be too much if a future partner was like your husband, I would almost feel like she is just using affection to get sex, not because she wants to be affectionate with me. Personally I don't think I would want to be in a relationship with someone who does not like showing affection or shows very little of it, it is one of my more important preferences. Sorry about this jumble, I have not had my coffee yet this morning so I hope it makes sense. :icon_wink
Its not an unrealistic dream at all. In fact, its not a dream at all. Its more of a choice. A choice between being comfortable but miserable and taking a risk and maybe finding real happiness. Not an easy choice at all. And of course, there are no guarantees. But, I will tell you, the wonderful feeling of holding hands in public with someone you have a real connection with can beat having sex in private with someone you dont. Now, that's me. You are the only one who knows best for you. Keep writing - it will help you discover your true inner feelings and hopefully make your choices easier. Take care!
Thanks for your replies. I think that there's an element of this in my case. I go between feeling comfortable and feeling trapped. The urge to say or do something feels strong at times, but there are times when I don't feel it that much too. At the moment it's not that strong. Nothing's changed, but today I'm wondering whether I even have to tell partner, and if I can just carry on as I am. To be honest, I think the prospect of leaving fills me with so much anxiety that I avoid thinking about. I can't even imagine doing it. Is not being sexually attracted to men really reason enough to leave? When I consider my sexual preferences, it feels like the decision to leave should be simple, but it's really not.
I wouldn't settle for no affection - gee no My experiences with men have been very unemotional from their side I would say ... Me giving the 'giver' Romance is important is say and it takes 'both parties to keep up 'some You say it's not 'hurrendous I'm not sure that's a good enough reason to 'stay Maybe do a pros and cons list but ultimately it's about 'love and happiness and if it's not what u want long term then .... So are u bi or gay - ? Is he the wrong sex for you I came out of a 4 yr hetro relationship last yr - I loved him but it got to the point where romance was dead and I couldn't face him touching me - mechanical sex is a very lonely place to be ---------- Post added 1st Aug 2016 at 07:18 AM ---------- Sure it's an option to not be honest in your relationship - but ask yourself this Would you want that the other way round ! ?
I think there are alway challenges in any relationship, but what I've heard in psychology classes is that a "good" relationship is one that has far more positive interactions than bad. I've heard that there should be at least 5 good for ever one bad to keep a relationship positive. I do think that those kind of relationships donexist, and I'm certainly trying to find one. I know it takes constant effort on both people's parts, but I'm sure up for it.
'Is not being sexually attracted reason enough to leave ? YES It is fearful to leave but my experience is the fear is worse than the actual action of doing it ... What are you afraid of notmyname - it' is normal to feel scared - be kind to yourself Do u have friend you can confine in ( my prob was I put all my eggs in one basket and he was my best friend to the exclusion of making other friend s
I like the five good for every one bad interaction thing. Also let's not forget that being single is not exactly all bad either, and personally I will take it over a mediocre relationship any day of the week. I have lots of fun on my own and more time to hang out with friends etc. I don't have to feel guilty over who I am attracted to and I am free to dream about how things will be. Cuddling with Netflix, waking up in the morning next to her and watching her be cute while she dreams, getting up and surprising her with breakfast in bed... I wonder if she will like the same music I like? Dreaming is fun! That said, I can understand how difficult it is to leave. Especially if you have been together for a long time and/or if you never spent a significant part of your adult life single. That kind of change is really difficult, and I can imagine it is a lot more so when you have a child to take care of too.
Thanks, that's a good idea. A pros and cons list might provide some clarity. He probably is the wrong sex. My orientation as I see it is here:http://emptyclosets.com/forum/lgbt-later-life/218379-labels-again.html Yes, the sex is getting more difficult. I always move to block his hand when he tries to touch me. I can't stop myself from doing it. No. Thanks, RosePetals. The 5:1 idea is interesting. Will help with the pros and cons list. No, close friends. My partner and I do everything together and he's not that keen on my friends, so we've drifted apart. He made it hard work for me to see them. I do the dreaming thing too! Just face away from my partner so I can pretend he's not there. I can't believe I've ended up in this situation. I think you've hit on a good point here - highlighted in bold. My pregnancy wasn't planned, so we went from both living at home with parents, to living together with a baby on the way in a very short space of time. We'd only lived together, just the two of us, for about 4/5 months when our baby arrived. I've never actually lived on my own, let alone with a child to support.
