The real me

If you have followed any of my earlier posts, you will not need the following paragraph, so skip down to the next section.

I knew at age 8 that I was different, I just didn't understand what it was that was different about me. It was 1958 and information about sexuality was more than scarce...it was nonexistent. By the age of 15 I understood that I liked boys not girls but I also understood that this was just not acceptable. I was precocious and understood that being homosexual (I knew that word by then) was not acceptable. I wanted to be a teacher....homo teachers were automatically pedophiles (yes, I knew that word too). I wanted a family...."Homos" had no chance of adoption. After a particularly disastrous date I choose to "Lock away the Gay (I didn't know that word then) and become a straight man with a family and a career as a high school teacher. I did exactly that. I buried myself so far back in the closet that I thought I'd never come out, and I didn't for 55 long, ugly years. I wore the mask of a happy, successful straight man, married a wonderful woman and had three really great sons. I did my best to never think about the "other" me. I had a rule that I used when I saw a good looking guy - "Never Look Twice". I kept my marriage vows and did not live a double life behind my wife's back. No hookups, no bathroom sex, nothing. I wore the straight mask and played a straight part...it was a living hell. For the sake of my family I sacrificed who I was and learned to cry silently at night when everything threatened to overwhelm me. This was my life for 41 years. My wife truly did love me and I found that, over time, I to came to love her Gay or not.

In 2013 a series of occurrences shook my carefully constructed masquerade to the foundation. Health issues forced my retirement. I had to leave my cherished job as a teacher ...I loved teaching, it was my heart and soul. I went through 7 major surgeries and for a time could not even take care of my basic physical needs. I was completely dependent on others for the most basic human functions. The humiliation was almost more than I could endure. My wife stayed by my side the entire time. I began to ask myself, "How could I continue the charade with the woman who had stayed with me through everything for 38 years and especially through the devastating personal embarrassment and health problems that I was then experiencing. I finally understood why some people opted to end it all instead of continuing on as a semi-vegetable. Her strength carried me through. I asked to see a therapist and for the first time in my life uttered those three devastating words; "I am Gay". The world did not end and little by little I began to take the mask off...only in his presence. That was eighteen months ago. It has been a very difficult eighteen months, but the love of my wife and the caring guidance of my therapist have helped me travel down a road that I never in my wildest dreams thought would be possible. I have now come out to just a few people, the most important being my wife. She has stuck by my side and supported me every step of the way. It was devastating for her to find out that her husband of 38 years was gay, but understanding that I had made the choice to lock my gayness away six years before I ever met her and that everything that we had was honest and true brought us both through what has destroyed many (most) other couples. I have known that I was gay since the age of 8, even though at the time I didn't know what to call it. I have hidden my gayness for 55 long horrible years. I have felt overwhelming shame at "Lying through omission" because I kept that part of myself a secret. I have tortured myself repeatedly and felt that there really was no hope but to continue the charade. Then my world turned upside down over the last 18 months. The first time I admitted that I was gay was here on EC. It became my lifeline for quite a while....you see I only came out to my wife at the beginning of June. For the 17 months prior to that all I had was EC and my wonderful, understanding therapist. Coming out to my wife was the most difficult thing I have ever done. She could have walked out of the house and not returned, but instead she hugged me and reaffirmed her love for me...she literally saved my life. In the last several months I have learned several very, very important things. First; I am and always have been gay, Second; There is nothing wrong with being gay. It is part of the the natural personality of some people and can't be changed any more than you can change your height or your love of certain kinds of music, or your eye color (not talking about contacts), Third; It is right. By this I mean that when I finally completely accepted that I was gay, all the puzzle pieces started falling into place. The way I think of other people, the way I act in certain situations, the way I look at other people...the way some catch my eye and others pass by noticed, and so many other things in my life. I can see now how everything is starting to fit together, how I am becoming a whole person. I fought against this for so long and now I see and feel my life coming together and I feel myself at the age of 65 starting to become a whole person for the first time in my life. Things that made no sense before are now making more and more sense...I am starting to understand myself and it is moe wonderful that I can describe. I am not not talking about sex, although that is part (a small part) of it. The joy that I feel everyday as new pieces of the puzzle slip into place is almost impossible to describe. I was blind and now I see, I was deaf I now I hear! The world has become a wonderful place instead of a place of daily torment. Please don't misunderstand me...I have as many ups and downs as any other person, but I see them now in completely different way. My mantra has become: I am gay, It's perfectly alright to be gay, being gay is right for me and finally I have come to realize that I'm glad that I'm gay because it really is the right thing for me.