And particularly, if you questioned whilst in a relationship, did you discuss your questioning with anyone in real life before telling your wife/husband/partner? Do you think that would be unfair? I'm thinking that it might make it seem a bit more real.
I told my best friend first. I was not in a relationship at the time, but even if I had been I would still have told her first, then my sister and some more friends too to build some support for when I would have to come out to my partner. I do not think it would be unfair at all. If I were in their shoes and was with a girl who later figured out she was actually straight, I would still want her to have some support. I would not be hurt if she discussed it with close friends first, because she would probably really need them at that point. It makes sense because it would be weird to rely on me for support at that moment, especially since I would really need it myself (and would go straight to my own friends and family).
Thanks, HappyGirlLucky. It's part of me feels that he should know first. I suppose I feel that I'll be ending our relationship indirectly, if not directly. I don't really know how he's going to react initially, but my lack of enjoyment in sex has been an elephant in the room for our entire relationship, so I think he'll draw the obvious conclusion and want to end the relationship. I don't know how quickly things will move from there, so it would be good if others knew first. I think I'm going to have to tell him eventually. I don't think I can do this forever.
Yes, it would really be a good idea for you to have some support if you think he is likely to want to end the relationship when you come out to him. I can understand why you feel like he should know first, and in all other instances I would agree with you because I firmly believe relationship issues should be discussed with the partner first so you can work through it together. However, this is an exception in my opinion because it is not something you are going to be able to work through or support each other in, you are pretty much effectively ending the relationship. I think it is OK to discuss an upcoming divorce with friends first because you really need that support there for you when it happens.
Thanks, it's helpful to have an outside opinion. We're not married so don't have to go through an actual divorce, but still a lot to sort out in moving into separate homes.
Told my best friend first. I wasn't attached to anyone, though. It's a good idea to tell someone you feel safe telling.
I have now told my best friend and my wife. I told my friend first because I needed the support to tell my wife, but she is extremely hurt that I told some before her. I knew that was a risk but I couldnt tell her first. She feels embarrassed and like I am revealing secrets about her and us to others without permission. So there may be a negative to telling others as well...though maybe less if not a spouse.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, guys. Jjanon, thanks for sharing your experiences. That's what I'm worried about. The friend I'm considering telling isn't a mutual friend of my partner and I, so nobody that he'd probably ever see again or have any contact with. I don't know whether him not being a spouse will make much difference to this element of it, as we live as if we're married. I just mentioned it up thread because we won't actually be divorcing.
I told my best friend and roommate first. The second person I told was a coworker that was kind of prying about my weekend plans and my date. I couldn't stand her using male pronouns about it, and I knew she was already accepting of a lesbian coworker of ours, so I just let it out. Kind of weird, but it helped me open up.
I told a friend. I remember the day. March 26, 2012. I sent an email to her. I remember composing the email and hesitating and hesitating to hit send. I finally did and I almost had an out of body experience (anxiety) after hit the send button. It took a while to calm down but I will tell you this. I HAD to do it. I'm so glad I did. She accepted me for who I am and asked if she could share the news with her husband and co-workers. I had no problem with it.
Thanks for sharing your experiences. pasinhose, I'd not thought about doing it via email or similar. Were you in a relationship at the time? I think that'd be an option if I weren't in a relationship. It's great that your friend was accepting and supportive. I worry that mine will wonder why I'm even bothering to tell them since I'm in a relationship, and they might not think it's anything that needs to be announced.
I first said the words out loud to a trusted colleague at work, it was memorable and she reacted well. It is generally better to work from the outside in, precisely because some friends and acquaintances do not have any emotional investments in your relationship. As you stated, it will make it more real while at the same time giving you practice at saying the words and responding to questions. As you develop confidence, it will be easier to tell the closer people in your life. They may be offended by you disclosing that you told others (less-close people) first, but most would understand how difficult it was and that you needed this time to get comfortable with it.
I told my friend over coffee because we some how got on the topic, I found out she was pansexual so she knew what I was going through. I than told my mom after asking her opinion on same-sex marriage and some other related topics a couple times. I told her after a couple of weeks of causally dropping that I might be lesbian.
I don't think it would be unfair but a healthy option to talk your feelings over with someone .... Yes I have found when I've spoken to anyone about being gay it has definitely made it more real .... Exploring my feelings, thoughts attitudes - all healthy ways to discover and integrate who I am ... Who did I first tell ...I think it was a cleaner at work ! Someone neutral who didn't really know me - it was very liberating
I told my husband first, but I think that it's often a good idea to tell a trusted friend or someone else who could provide support if you're not ready to tell your husband. There's no formula for doing this "right".
