Well so far since coming out about 15 months ago, and dating since January, I have had no luck finding a relationship. I have joined groups ( a choir, a gay walking group, a gay social group), and gone online, and got nowhere. I am brave enough to go on first dates, and there have been several of these. I have also progressed to more than one date with 3 separate women, one of whom I had 13 dates with before she said it wasn't working for her (she is lovely and we remain good friends). The main problem I am encountering seems to be the same with all of them. They are all aged 45 - 65 (I am 55), and have been single for a while. This seemed a good thing to me, as they have had time to get over their exes and aren't just leaping into a new relationship to drown their sorrows. They have all had female partners before - some of them are lifelong lesbians who have been out since their youth, others were previously married to men. They have all built a strong network of friends and activities which have sustained them during their single years, and they have all decided they were ready to date again now. However, when they actually start dating, they realise they are not prepared to make the commitment, as it would involve scaling back on their many activities in order to give time to developing the relationship. I'm not sure whether this indicates that they value their friendships more, or they have had same-sex relationships before, know what they are like, and there is no urgency to find out like there is for me. They can take it or leave it, and are opting to leave it, when it comes to the crunch. Or they are frightened of getting hurt again, and prefer not to risk it, seeing as they have plenty of friends who between them can fill the relationship gap. The last one who said this was someone I trusted to be truthful, so I asked her for honest feedback. Was it really as she had said, or were people just shying away from telling me I am too needy, to desperate, too inexperienced, too anything else. She replied at length saying no, it was just as she had said, there was nothing I had done or said to put her off, she just realised she wasn't ready, it was a big step she didn't feel she could take right now, and in fact was removing herself from the dating website after realising she wasn't serious about looking. It had seemed like a good idea but when faced with reality, she couldn't do it. I am feeling really disheartened that after all my efforts, I don't seem able to get anywhere. I feel I have left it too late, and I will never have the relationship I have desired for so long. I'd realised I might not hit on a great relationship first time round, and it might take time to find the right person, but it hadn't occurred to me that it would be this hard to find anybody at all.
Landgirl Try not to be too disheartened and down ... Love is very special and it will come to you when it is ready ... Strikes me that you haven't found 'that' special person yet . 5 mths of dating it a short time... It seems you really want a relationship and because you do you are putting in lots of action ... Giving out the energy that we want commitment and as you say urgency may indeed put people off whether they are aware of it or not - just my opinion not necessarily the truth ... I'd suggest relaxing a bit 'yes you want a commited relationship but concentrate on making friends and the things you enjoy doing and see where that leads you
I've been dating about the same amount of time, but in a different age group and have had a nearly identical issue. I've been told it's not me, just a not connecting thing with one, and a no time thing with another. Others have just been single dates. I believe there's someone out there, but it'll take some time to find them.
(*hug*) It sounds like you're doing all the right things Landgirl. I'm sorry you're struggling with his . It's really unpredictable how or where you can find love. Would it help to focus mostly on looking for friendship for a while and perhaps you might be surprised to find that build into something more?
Yes, I think I'm going to have to take some time out from intensive searching, because when you focus so keenly on one thing and it doesn't happen, it's very easy to feel like a failure. Whereas if I transfer some of that energy into other pursuits, at least I'm getting something out of my efforts rather than nothing. But it had just never occurred to me that after 7 months I wouldn't even have kissed anybody properly yet!
I volunteer at a gay hotline, and one night, I received a call from a guy who had spent a few hundred dollars on an introduction service for LGBT folk. The way the service works is that one pays for 10 matches, meaning, they introduce your profile to someone they think may be compatible, and if that someone is interested, you are introduced, and vice-versa. So he called us, and one of the things we try to find out is why this person is calling: what was the event that led him to call? He stated that the first match that he was introduced to did not work out, even though he did everything right, and had put in a lot of effort to make it work. The other guy was not, in the end, interested in going further. After some digging, I found out he was an engineer and fairly well-educated, it was a pleasure speaking with him, but it hit me right there what the problem was: deterministic thinking (which is what engineers do!). He felt that his input should have led to a certain output, as clearly as B follows A, or adding energy into a system will increase its overall energy, etc. I had to remind him that relationships just don't work that way, indeed, the "work" may produce the desired outcome, but there is simply no guarantee. Human beings are simply too diverse and too complex to expect any kind of linear relationship between inputs and outputs. Sometimes you work too hard at it, sometimes not enough, but it is important to realize that relationships are in a separate category of reality (and no less real than masses and volumes). I think your approach is wise, give up on the goal of trying to find a "relationship" with the thought that this will make you happy. Let's face it, relationships are complicated things in themselves, requiring compromise and understanding. Enjoy your life and your freedom, and yes, get involved in places where your chances of meeting someone are greater. The more you get out there, the more you are likely to find someone without seeking it. I came out to myself at 53, and I was also determined to find someone as soon as possible, it didn't work out that way, and I'm glad it didn't. I got involved in the community, I learned more and more, and I kept myself open to possibilities. after three years, I am now in a loving relationship, and I am letting it blossom as it will, in its own time, with no rushing or promises or expectations...
Thanks so much for your reply Greatwhale, it's really helpful. I'm going to take it with me when I next go to see my therapist, and we will discuss the issue. I think part of the problem stems from the fact that I have recently had a similar problem with jobhunting, as I could do with more money now I am separated. I applied for 3 jobs, carefully chosen, and for which I had loads of experience. I got interviews for all three, but didn't get any of them. I asked for feedback in each case, and in each case was told I had performed really well, but another candidate just had the edge over me. This was hugely disappointing, but at least I had the consolation I still have my existing job, which is fine for the time being. I decided to hold off the jobhunting for a while, and focus on settling into my new home and looking for a relationship. Now that this, too is proving frustrating, I think I had just got into a "nothing I do ever yields results" way of thinking. My separation is proving very stressful, as my husband is so upset he hasn't spoken to me since January, and we have an autistic adult son we are caring for between us, so it can be very easy to slip into thinking "why did I ever leave, what have I gained by it", when I add together everything that is happening in my life at the moment. I am thankful I have a brilliant therapist, who is very good at reminding me how far I have come since I first started seeing her 2 years ago. Sometimes we need other people to help us put things into perspective.
