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What have I been afraid of all these years?

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by baristajedi, Aug 2, 2016.

  1. baristajedi

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    Today has been a particularly rough day. Some things have come up that triggered a lot of feelings (long story), but it ended with me feeling compelled to reach out to my Dad about all the stuff that's happening.

    I sat there sobbing on the floor, telling my Dad everything, about how my life is crumbling around me, that we're tearing apart our family, and sharing my sadness and fears with him.

    In all of this, it was important to explain that, not only has our marriage had huge issues, the truth is I'm not bi, but gay. At this point it takes little effort to say that; "Dad, I'm gay". Compared to the total collapse of everything around me, fears about how to make this sll work for my daughter, the fear of saying "I'm gay" doesn't even factor in anymore

    And after talking to him it just occurred to me what a waste all these years of fear have been. I mean, it's who I am. And I can say it and I can be it, but I've built my life around this huge lie and for what? Because of fear? Because of this fear that's now something I've overcome. I could have overcome this fear so many years ago. It's just so absurd to think how easily it rolls off my tongue to say to my dad today that I'm gay, and to think that fear of doing that is the very reason I'm in this mess of a life to begin with.

    The absurdity of it all just sort of struck me and has made me feel so angry at myself all over again. And has brought back that feeling of being such a coward until now, and that anger at myself for letting it come to this point, and now it's just a source of pain for everybody. Pain for me as well. I mean today, I spent a lot of time kind of feeling just what a huge loss all of this is.

    I know that the path I'm taking is the right one. But the grief that comes out of it is so huge.
     
    #1 baristajedi, Aug 2, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 2, 2016
  2. CyclingFan

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    Hi baristajedi. That's a huge thing, telling your dad! And that will come too with another flood of emotions.

    It is funny how what was so hard looks so easy once you've done it. But that doesn't mean it wasn't tough and for good reasons. I know that the path comes with grief, and that it spills out, but when you know you're on the right one, it gets easier and better with time.
     
  3. RosePetals76

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    Was it fear, and something you conciously hid, or did you just not even think of doing anything outside the norm? For me, I think it never crossed my mind to do anything other than I was supposed to. I don't think I was afraid, though.
     
  4. Patagonia

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    I always struggle with the idea that we "lived a lie." I don't think we ever intended to hurt anyone. Did we? And as far as fear goes - its how we protect ourselves from danger. Oh, too much fear sucks. But without it, we can find ourselves in all sorts of danger. I guess what I'm saying is that I totally get what you are saying. Trust me, I do. But please don't be so hard on yourself. If people are angry at you, that's their problem. Even if they feel deceived, they can still try to understand and still love you. Be proud that you had the courage to do what you are doing. I too regret all the time I squandered not living as I really wanted to. But why squander even one day trying to make everyone else happy? Yes, change can be brutally difficult. However, staying stuck and unhappy is much worse. Take care. You sound like a terrific person and one who deserves to be happy. OK?
     
  5. yuanzi

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    barista, sorry that you were having a rough day. Like others said don't be so hard on yourself. I think most people have been trained from a very young age to behave in socially acceptable ways to survive/thrive and being gay was certainly not one of them. The fear of being different (especially in a controversial way) is so deeply ingrained that we automatically avoid doing anything that is likely to marginalize us.

    Don't get me wrong. After coming out to my family, I have definitely experienced those moments where I want to yell and scream at myself for being a coward all these years. Yeah all the years I have wasted torturing myself for nothing. I guess I just have to slowly change my mindset and celebrate the fact that I am finally out...
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Sorry to hear you've had a rough day, barista. Do you feel any better now for letting your feelings and emotions out?

    As others have said, try not to be so angry at yourself. I appreciate that might not be easy. For me, I don't feel that I've been consciously hiding anything. I've been afraid of being different, yes, but I wasn't aware that I wasn't straight. So, I don't think I could have realistically questioned, come out, etc. any earlier than now. Could that line of thinking apply to you too? Also, I think of the things I wouldn't have done or experienced had I questioned any earlier. There's a good chance I wouldn't have had my daughter, so even if I could change it, I wouldn't, not really. Even though it probably would have been less messy to do this at an earlier time in my life.

    I'm sure your life does feel very messy right now, and what you're feeling is normal. But maybe try to focus on the future, and the things you're glad for. Stay strong.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. baristajedi

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    Thanks cyclingfan, I feel like I really need my Dad right now, and funny enough, while I was most scared to tell him I was bi (as I started off identifying when coming out), now going to him about the separation and about being sure that I'm gay, I felt most like turning to him rather than anyone else.

    I know you're right, that it was hard for a reason before this point in my life. I'm up and down right now from deep grief to fear to optimism about the future. What you say about being in the right path and it all falling into place, I'm trying to keep that in mind.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2016 at 12:06 AM ----------

    I'm just getting to work.... I'll be back soon to this thread.
     
  8. baristajedi

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    This question actually has a complicated answer. Yes and no. In my life my overall understanding of self was not "I'm gay", I always knew about my feelings for women on various levels depending on how strong the denial was at a given time. But I did not label myself gay. (Or any non straight label)

    But I had moments of clarity/awareness, striking moments of clarity. I knew I was gay at age 10. Age 22. And there are many smaller moments that I can't pinpoint to a day or time.

    My first crush at 10 left me lying in my room late at night saying "they can't know I'm gay" (they being the kids in school). At 22ish, just after trying to come out to my brother, that same day I remember thinking what I'd really want is to bring a woman home, a woman I could build a real relationship with and then I thought immediately, "what would my dad say? How could he ever accept that?"

    So in essence what you say is true, but it's those moments, where I "knew" , where I quasi admitted it to myself, that have me saying to younger me, come on, really, wtf are you doing? Just be gay! Just be your f*ing self!

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2016 at 03:27 AM ----------

    I'll be back again soon to this thread...

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2016 at 03:36 AM ----------

    I know you're right, it was never my intention to hurt or deceive anyone, not to live untrue to myself.

    I thought that I'd gotten rid of lot of my regrets, but there is so much loss, so much pain involved in this process. I find it so hard to see past that sometimes.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2016 at 03:38 AM ----------

    *nor

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2016 at 03:40 AM ----------

    You're right yuanzi. I know it was my protection of myself. I suppose, like you said, it's a matter of continuing to change my mindset day by day.

    Thanks for the encouragement.

    ---------- Post added 3rd Aug 2016 at 03:43 AM ----------

    Thanks for the support NotMyName. What you say applies to me, with some of those caveats that I've mentioned in my earlier response. I do feel on many levels I should have been more self aware and I sort of was. But I also wasn't fully letting myself see the truth.

    And what you say about not having had the experiences that you've had, this is the thing that I try to cling to. I've got my daughter, this especially is something that gives me a reason to be happy for the life I've led to this point.
     
    #8 baristajedi, Aug 3, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2016
  9. looking for me

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    none of us can change decisions we made in the past hun. (if anyone can, please can we have a chat) our decisions made us who we are now. "coulda, woulda, shoulda..... " comes to mind and really there is nothing we can do but move forward. you're a young woman with a bright future with your daughter and with a partner who gets you. I know this will happen for you.(*hug*)
     
  10. baristajedi

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    I know, you're right lookingforme, I need to remind myself of this perspective. Thanks for the encouragement. I do have a vision for that happy future for myself and my daughter. I am mostly confident we can make it happen, but feeling some fears I suppose.
     
    #10 baristajedi, Aug 4, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2016
  11. looking for me

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    some fears is a good thing, instills caution so you move forward with your eyes open, not stumbling around blindly. I totally get the fear though, and my kid is 18.