I have a friend I met at the weekly trivia we play at a local gay bar. I've had dinner with him and his partner a few times and went to their house last week for the first time. They have been together for 15 years and are now breaking up. I like both of them and both have made it clear that they want to be more than friends. I don't want to start a relationship with one of them and hurt the other, but I'm afraid that may happen. Being around both of them and watching them argue is very awkward right now. I wonder if just remaining friends and dating neither of them would be easier on all of us. Never having been in a relationship before makes this even harder to understand. Any thoughts?
If I were you, I would not date either of them. It sounds like a totally uncomfortable situation all around.
I am actually in a sort of similar situation but my people have been together for a far shorter time and are younger like me (plus I don't know if they would actually date me haha). In my situation, if the couple did break up and I stayed close to them, I imagine a situation may arise that I could get with one of them, but I would not go through with it. Nothing about the situation is good and I would rather move on. The 15 year adult relationship definitely makes the situation more serious. You will break good friendships, leave you seeming pretty untrustworthy which is not a reputation you want and if they have any sort of reconciliation, you will certainly end up worst off. I would absolutely keep it friendly, at least for a significant amount of time after they break up. More than a couple of months. Though tbh, with the relationship being so long, I can't think of any situation even later down the line where that wouldn't be still pretty awkward. I would stay out and get on the scene elsewhere.
I would not date either of them. They could be using you to play you off the other. Basically you being in the middle of a break up. Additionally when people break up they are grieving, basically not operating logically. So a lot of RAW human emotion (unauthentic) comes out.
The thing that concerns me the most is when you write, "BOTH have made it clear that they want to be more than friends." Without being coy, what exactly does that mean? This is so complicated on so many different levels, I suggest a cooling off period where you can really assess the situation. It will be hard I know, but it just sounds like now is not the time to make your move. Good luck fellow upstater!
Given that you met Friend #1 first (see above bold), I think it might be more natural to date Friend #1, though I'm making an assumption that your friendship with him would be stronger than his partner, who seems more like an acquaintance. I share the previous poster's curiosity about why BOTH are interested in more than friendship. Having said that, you would be catching Friend #1 on the rebound, which to me would be a better reason not to date him than how Friend #2 might react.
Thanks for the replies. Friend #1 has said he could see me moving in his house down the line if things work out. It gets even more complicated as Friend #2 has a lot more in common with me as he's 50 and likes much of the same music and TV I do, Friend #1 is 64. So #2 is a lot closer to my age, but I'm not sure if he's looking for an LTR or just to hookup as I've never spent any time alone with him so far to have that conversation. I've given #1 a ride to/from trivia the last couple of weeks and he brought a birthday cake to the bar last week for me, which was a surprise. They both have told me than although they live together, the relationship hasn't been sexual in a couple of years. Definitely a situation I never expected to be in. Even if I do nothing more with either, I'll still see #1 at trivia every week as we play on the same team with several other friends. I was complaining recently that nobody seemed to be interested in me, I'm not sure if this is better or worse.
15 years is a long time. I would not date either of them in your position. Not only does it seem like a good way to loose both of them as friends but they are both going to have post relationship issues that they need to workout with themselves or risk making all the same mistakes a second time. Good luck, sounds uncomfortable.
I'm going against the room on this. Here's what I would do, and it's potentially disconcerting to the heteronormative set It sounds like you need to spend some more alone time with Friend #2 and get to know him better. It's not uncommon for gay friends to be overly affectionate if not physical, so I'd open myself to the possibility of flirting with one or both of them and see where things go. Personally I don't think that would jeopardize either friendship. Be subtle at first and gauge their reactions for more. It wouldn't be a bad thing to hookup with both of them to see if there's sexual chemistry (or even propose a 3-some if you're so inclined, though that doesn't seem right given what you're written). Given that you've never been in a relationship, I'd take the idea of a LTR off the table as a goal. At this point I would focus on building a connection with both of them and see where things go. If you really connect with one of them and start dating and that leads to a LTR, that's great, but it's way too early to be thinking that's your goal. You really need to date a person for 12-18 months before making the call (though you'll know earlier if there's potential for a LTR). HTH
Friend #1 has been flirting with me which I kind of enjoyed, but I don't think I'm really attracted to him. I wasn't sure if I was ready to share this but, here it goes. When I was at their house last week, we actually did have a 3 way. (only the 2nd time in my life I've done that and first was back in high school). I did enjoy Friend #2 more, but I know it should be about more than who's better in bed. I do want to see if Friend #2 is interested in something more, I may ask him to go to a concert I won 2 tickets to as it will give us a chance to talk on the trip to/from the venue. I told Friend #1 about the tickets and he never heard of the band, so I don't know if he'd enjoy it anyway. As a compromise, I will probably take him to a local baseball game I also won 2 tickets to. I agree on taking things slow. I've only dated 1 guy so far since coming out and I think I tried to move too fast and that's why I lost him. I just don't want to hurt Friend #1's feelings. I guess when I decided last year I wanted to put myself out there, I should have known things might get complicated.
(!) (!!) (!) While there is more to a relationship than sex, there's nothing wrong with and it's quite healthy to want sexual chemistry in bed. It seems to me that you may be bending over backwards to make sure Friend #1 doesn't feel bad (taking him to the baseball game), and I'm a little concerned that you might be sending him mixed messages. If you really aren't attracted to him, it's probably better to focus on getting to know Friend #2 and continue with the status quo with Friend #1 until you have a better sense of where things are going with Friend #2.
Are you sure they're breaking up? It sounds complicated, since they're still living together and even had a threesome with you. You said they weren't very sexually active with each other recently (part of why they may be breaking up) but perhaps getting closer to you is something to spark their relationship? Heck it almost sounds like you're becoming the third member of their relationship, not just potentially dating one or the other.
Complicated barely describes it. Friend #1 actually hoped the threesome would help bring them back together, but it didn't. They have both told me that Friend #2 has been packing up his things and already has an apartment lined up at a female co-worker's house. ---------- Post added 4th Aug 2016 at 07:27 PM ---------- That's for sure.
Hey 99701 I am totally new at the m2m relationship thing. But, what I am finding is that there is a whole range of the types of relationships that gay/bi men have. Some of the guys I have met are in long term relationships to other men, or to women (me), or multiple FWB and are looking for a range from just friends to casual lovers to hook ups. Pretty much everything. I think you need to decide what you want and just be completely honest with everybody and ask that they are too. Base your decision on that response.
I think you're right about the bending over backwards. I'm sure that a lot of the reason I stayed in the closet so long is I always want to make everyone else happy. I have to remember that it's OK to put me first sometimes. Sounds like I need to chat with both of them separately.
I know EXACTLY how you feel about always putting everyone else's feelings ahead of their own. I'm sure these guys are very nice but maybe it just has to be more than just inviting you into their world. It has to be mutual - that YOU are worth being pursued as much as you would pursue either or both of them. Know what I mean? For years, I made all the effort, but was always treated like a side dish, never the entree. Nothing wrong AT ALL with a three way! In fact, they can be terrific! But You also want someone who can focus on you and only you, and no it just in bed. Otherwise, it can be very exhausting and frustrating. Be the entree, not the side dish.
