I feel guilty posting about my problems on here when there's so many others in way more need of help then myself, my wife accepts me(having trouble but accepting at least) the 3 friends and 6 family members I've come out to are accepting and supportive as well. But it's just the people, parents both sides, brothers, sisters, and soon to be everyone else and I mean everyone...friends, distant family, everyone... that I'm not ready to come out too yet who are going to find out that my wife and I are separating. Now that probably doesn't seem like a big deal to almost everyone that reads this, but in our case it is a HUGE deal, we are(were) the exception... I can count on one hand how many fights we have had,(not exaggerating), we literally have done everything together for the last 20 years, we are and have been more then best friends, and everyone knows it.... Every time I tell someone we are separating(and don't tell them why[im gay]) they get this shocked look on there face and say WTF you guys are the rock...what the...how the... WHAT!!! Is she cheating on you ??? Are u cheating on her ??? And I spend the next 20 minutes lying through my teeth, so they will just believe we are just separating, and staying friends.... Or at least stop questioning me on it... No one believes it...(I'm an amazing liar btw). And I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell basically everyone the whole truth... And there is no way I can handle that... No way... I have no idea how to proceed, rumours are already starting and the ones that know(the whole truth) are having to lie for me. And that's not right... That's not what I wanted.. I could have never even conceived of this being an issue... The issue that's going to break me.
It seems to me that you have 2 options on how to handle this depending on how close you are to the people you are telling. Tell them everything. The truth is very liberating. Tell them nothing except that you are separating. It's really none of their business why you are separating, and there's certainly no need for you to explain yourself for 20 minutes. "The reason that we are separating is between my wife and me, and I appreciate that you respect our privacy." If you really feel that you need to explain why you're separating but don't feel comfortable with the truth, then you and your wife should make up some story and use that as the party line. I personally don't advocate this approach ...
To me, honesty is always the best policy. Then there's no need to continue to make up more lies, when people find out the truth they feel like you trust them enough to confide in them, and without knowing they're probably making up worse things in their minds than is true. Seriously, loving guys isn't a bad thing! However, if you don't feel like it, I agree with SiennaFire, you don't owe anyone any explanation. This won't be what breaks you, but what helps you realize how strong you are.
i think you would surprise yourself as to what you can handle. People may well be surprised but soon enough they will get on with their own lives and something else will come along. Your close friends will know how tough this has been for you, and to be honest how can you be honest with someone about something when you havent been honest with yourself.
Thanks for the advice, I was pretty down yesterday having to lie to my brother, or well at least not tell him the whole truth, were a close family, but I'm not ready to deal with anyone else knowing, just yet. And I can't really tell my brothers, to mind there own business, that would case more problems then just telling them the truth lol, like I said were all pretty tight knit. Think I'm just going to keep my head down, and concentrate on me for awhile, keep talking with my wife, figure out our next steps. Trying to go slow, take baby steps, but somehow I keep taking full size ones, or even little jumps forward... Maybe that's what's causing me to freak out a bit. Just gonna breath and relax Thxs again.
Hey Stewie I can relate some to how this feels. One of my biggest fears before I came out to my wife was how to explain it to everyone if my wife could not stay married to a bisexual man. We too, have that sort of marriage. From outward appearances (and really by almost every metric) what would appear to be the perfect marriage. I think some of my fear was not only losing the marriage, but losing the admiration of friends and family. And, explaining the reason...my sexuality...would be very difficult and add a whole new dimension to coming out. I am still not coming out to close friends and family. Part of it is that this fear remains. I still don't want others to speculate on the future demise (not gonna happen) of this model marriage. My wife (we are very compatible) feels the same way. Pride. Not the good kind! Little by little, I am letting my guard down. I am openly friends with gay men now and attend any gay friendly venue I can. And, I don't hide it. That is still a long ways from addressing it straight out (double pun not intended) How do you explain to others that you need to be a gay man, but you plan to stay married? My wife tells me it is no one's business and if someone catches me fooling around then I should just tell them that. The answer that it is between you and your wife, as Sienna suggests, seems like a reasonable thing to say.
Stewie, Of course this is s huge deal. You're dealing with a lot. I understand your feelings at this point in feeling overwhelmed at both coming out and telling everyone about the separation. It can be overwhelming. You are making huge steps. I think that it makes sense to give yourself some breathing room in order to feel ready to come out to others. But you have to come to acceptance about other people talking; you have no control over that. At this point it's a matter of accepting that they're guessing at the reasons behind your separation or that they're talking about you being gay (if you choose to share that). The good news is that people don't really dwell very much on these things. They may talk or think about it briefly, but they won't really be that focused on your life all that much. Big hugs as you navigate this. I know how hard this is. (&&&)
Sienna Fire's initial reply was a good one. You can just say yeh, we're separating for now, whatever, or take the bullets out of the gun and admit it. I totally get how hard it'd be. But I sincerely hope you do consider both options.
(&&&)Thanks again for the advice, the more I'm thinking about I'm just gonna try to lay low for awhile, play it by ear, work on me a bit I think.
