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Update on my wife

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by Jjanon, Aug 4, 2016.

  1. Jjanon

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    It has now been three days since I told my wife that I am trans. I'm sorry for so many posts, it feels like I'm live tweeting my own horror show but I don't know what else to do about it.

    I have told my best friend in the world. I know intellectually that it is too early to really expect much, but it doesn't feel that way in my heart. I keep having ups and downs based on feedback I'm getting from her. The anger is crushing for me. But then shortly after she will express something that gives me hope for the future that she might be coming around. And it is that much more crushing when it turns terrible again. It is utterly exhausting.

    Last night we talked for about three hours. she had texted me that she was ready to talk and so we talked. I was totally honest and left nothing out. But the longer we talked the less it felt like we were progressing toward a resolution that I want. Of course I don't know that we are progressing toward a resolution that she wants either. She laid out what she can accept and what she can't. And essentially she said she can not be with a woman. It's not who she is. Which I can understand, but I'm hurt because I thought our love was stronger than that.

    She apologized that she couldn't give me the reaction that I wanted, but she had to be true to herself. Which is true, I just misread her and now I fee foolish. She mocked my desire for a best case scenario of her hugging and supporting me.

    I am crushed. I told the person that mattered to me the most and it feels like rejection of me as a person. Like all she cares about is my exterior shell. I would take it all back if I could. I only saw two options before I came out to her, either tell her or kill myself. I thought I made the only logical choice but now I regret my choice. I should have gone the other way. It would have spared all of us this grief. She could mourn the loss of the love of her life without my continued presence mocking her. This is all is it so sad. I see no light left.
     
  2. baristajedi

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    Jjannon I just want to send big hugs (&&&). I can't write more at this moment. But I wanted to show you my support.
     
    #2 baristajedi, Aug 4, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 4, 2016
  3. Justasking100

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    That sounds really tough. I can't imagine how hard and raw it all feels now. It's so early in you and your wife's journey to make rash decisions about anything so you need to give it time whilst you rode the roller coaster that is ahead of you. Perhaps other trans folk can comment upon the reaction of your wife and whether over time there's a chance she may change her mind but you have to give her space to come to terms with everything but it must be really hard at the moment. Dig deep.
     
  4. RosePetals76

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    Please, do not ever think killing yourself is a better option! If you're thinking that way call the Natonal Suicide Prevention Hotline at 800-273TALK.

    Things are so hard for you right now, and my heart breaks for you. I'd like to reach out to you with a giant hug, and a shoulder to cry on. Coming out is hard. It's an emotional roller-coaster that nobody can figure out how to stop, but once it's done, you realize how amazing the ride was, and how much you appreciate it. You're still on the ride, and you will be for a while. Just keep holding on.

    Don't apologize for venting too much here. If you need to let it out, it's not too much, it's what's right. All of us on here have spent too much time worrying about others, what they're feeling, thinking, wanting, etc. It's our turn. It's your turn! You are important. What you think and feel is important.
     
  5. Nickw

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    Hey Jjanon

    I am so sorry you are having such problems with this. Hang in there.

    Give your wife some time. Try to look at it from her perspective too. You want her to love you, regardless of your shell. You know that the inner you has not changed and you are the same person. Your wife may not know this yet. She may feel that you have changed and left her behind.

    Continue to let your wife know you love her and that there was nothing about your love of her that is not, or never was, untrue. You also know that this was really not a choice for you...you simply need to live authentically. Best of luck.
     
  6. LostInDaydreams

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    Jjanon, sorry you're going through such a difficult time. Remember to look after yourself too, and keep posting.

    (*hug*)
     
  7. CameOutSwinging

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    You absolutely made the right choice if you were down to those two options. I'm sorry that her reaction wasn't what you were hoping for. I've been there similarly and it definitely hurts. Doesn't mean you didn't do the right thing though. Just stay strong. And know there are people here for you.
     
  8. Adray

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    Hugs to you.

    It will get better with time. Do your best you can to endure the challenges and always keep in mind what a wonderful future is possible for you as the great woman you know you are.(&&&)
     
  9. Creativemind

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    If your wife is heterosexual, she can not be fulfilled with a woman. Imagine being in her shoes, but with her telling you she is a man and going to transition. Now that doesn't mean there's anything wrong with being trans, just that some people cannot be attracted to certain genders.

    It'll seem hard now but there are bisexual and lesbian women out there that will love you for who you are. Even if your wife stayed with you, it might be even worse since she would need to view you as a man to stay attracted to you. This will hinder your transition and happiness.

    Unfortunately, break-ups happen for many reasons all the time. There will always be another.

    Please do not kill yourself. You deserve more than that. Even if you didn't tell her, you would be living a lie with her.
     
  10. Jjanon

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    Thank you everyone. This is really hard and just being on here has bolstered me a lot. I have an appointment with my therapist tonight so that will be good. It kind of feels like I am standing with my heels on a ravine. If I step back, I'll die. But I'm also tied to a string that attached to a gun, so if I move forward I die. I feel so stuck and lost.
     
  11. Justasking100

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    It WILL get better for you. I know you can't see it now but it's true. You will work away from the ravine and make it through though it seems impossible.
     
  12. HappyGirlLucky

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    Everyone has already said what I wanted to say, but I wanted to give you some support anyway. Please keep posting as much as you feel the need to, that is what we are here for! (&&&)