...and what I really want, if I could have anything, is to be perfectly happy in my current relationship and with my life as it stands. I'd want a great connection with my partner, to enjoy sex with my partner, and whatever else those happy straight couples I know have, that keeps their relationships working. I might not be able to have that, which is annoying because everything else in my life is sort of where I wanted it to be. But, there's part of me that thinks, on balance, it might just be better to stick where I am now. At the moment, I'm finding thinking about my sexuality draining and anxiety inducing. I know many of you are going through a lot worse, so feel free to just ignore me. If I follow the path towards coming out, etc. then I only see these things getting worse, along with a lot of other big obstacles that I don't particularly want to face up to. The thing is, when I'm doing normal things and not really thinking about my sexuality, then I feel better, less anxious, have more energy, etc. so it's quite tempting to go that way. And if that way does feel easier, then I think that maybe I am straight. The dreams and fantasies are fun, but the rest of it is hard, and when I'm feeling down and drained, all I can hear clearly is "But, you've always been straight. That's who you are." And I think, it would be so much easier just to stay where I am now, and carry on as I am. I'm never going to be blissfully happy, but there are no guarantees going the other way either, and it might actually end up being worse. I don't think I have to turn my life upside down just because I'm not sexually attracted to men. There's so much at risk. I'm really not sure it's worth it. There are some things I can't change, but I do have a choice here. One option is unpredictable and terrifying, and the other is safe and (fairly) predictable. I do quite like safe and predictable. Maybe I just don't want it enough? And if I don't want it enough, then maybe I am straight and just fed up with my current situation? I might feel completely different about my relationship once I return to work. Sorry that was long, but I wanted to write it down.
I've had all of those thoughts. Not necessarily "well maybe I'm straight" but definitely "so what if I'm gay? If I'm in love with my wife, then what does it matter who I'm attracted to?" Sadly, I think this is mostly just denial. Just coming up with excuses to not deal with the issue at hand. Trust me, I'm great at that! I keep hoping for a mutual decision breakup from my partner, which probably makes no sense.
Yes, I've been wondering whether sexuality is that important anyway and if I ever actually need to come out or do anything about it, but I guess the existence of this forum is my answer to that.
It's a tough situation and sometimes feels like it's lose lose. On one hand you turn your world upside down and hurt someone, on the other you stay in the closet and never get to taste the forbidden fruit and the happiness that comes with that.
Thanks, that's a good summary. I've spent so long focused on the negatives of my relationship and being desperate to get out, but it wasn't possible. Now it will hopefully become possible to leave, in the next year(ish), all I can see are the positives of my current situation.
