So guys, the doubts are creeping in again. I don't know how to maintain (or maybe as needed, regain) a grounded more clear sense of who I am, what I need and why I'm choosing the things I'm choosing (leaving my marriage for this instinct that what I really need is a life with a woman). But what if I get out of this marriage and I start our new path (mine and my daughter's) and I wake up one morning and say, "I'm not gay"; or what if some guy comes into my life and I fall madly in love with him, and then it's like well, I suppose I got that wrong. ??? This is coming from several things: Of course, it's coming from this feeling of such an enormous decision weighing on my shoulders (one that affects so many people). It's also coming from this sense of acceptance from my husband that it's all over (he's finally getting that and operating from that perspective). It's also coming from my nagging doubts fueled by memories of the past, like there's that one guy that I really did emotionally connect with, there were those other couple of guys I felt something with that was meaningful and fun. And it's also coming from thinking about all the loss I feel, the sadness at losing the things I do hold dear in this life (things I'll miss about my husband and about our relationship, even his family). And it's coming from that nagging sense of what do I really know about who I am? Since coming out, I've been so deeply entrenched in the LGBT community, in my own introspection about my orientation, in the actions I've taken towards exploring my feelings. But it's been a while since I've invested that same energy and time into looking at whether our marriage can work. I just feel like I can't get my head wrapped around this.... Any advice, reflections, thoughts?
You are taking a leap of faith and a big one. With that comes doubts. I have them too. BUT the leap of faith could easily be worthwhile. You've spent a long time questioning and you are pretty sure you are gay. You've said so on many occasions but you are doubting yourself and that's horrible. From what I've read from you you are gay. So I am I but that doesn't prevent the doubts creeping in. ---------- Post added 5th Aug 2016 at 03:57 AM ---------- I guess it all feels so surreal for both of us. Like it's all a bad/good dream depending upon how you view it. Hopefully these feelings of doubt fade over time as its a horrible place to be.
At some level, you're either straight, evenly bisexual, or predominantly gay (simplifying the Kinsey scale to relevant choices for you). Which one feels closest to the truth, and what is your confidence level? Once you have clarity on your orientation, the rest becomes noise that can be largely ignored. If you are gay, why would you want to try and save a straight marriage? You've made your decision, move forward with it. I know that I'm gay/Kinsey 5 without a doubt, so I'm able to move forward on my journey with little or no hesitation and just occasional doubts/questions that diminished over time.
If you are following your heart and your gut instinct, it doesn't matter if someday you fall for a guy instead. It doesn't matter if you wake up one day and think "I'm not gay" because today your right is moving forward. If you like women, you're not straight. So, you'll still be in the LGBT community if you're bi, or pan, or label less. You have to do what feels right without letting fear hold you back.
The truth is I know what I feel, I know I'm gay. I know I'm making the right choices. But then I plummet into these doubts. Guys, what's wrong with me? I can't get over these nagging doubts. But then everything melts away for a moment and it all makes sense again. Shouldn't I be more confident at this point? Why am I so terrified of believing in myself?
Because it still remains the great unknown for you, i can ask the same question of myself so i totally feel where you are with things. it's scary times.
big changes do bring big upheaval and doubts, but big rewards too. being your authentic self for you and your daughter being the biggest one. you can do this hun. (*hug*)
I feel the exact same, I pretty sure you have been out longer then me(14days today) but I think part of the reason, is we have been having those same thoughts for "x" amount of years but just the opposite, "am I actually straight, why am I having these "gay" thoughts, I know I'm Hetero, I've always been straight" alls we did is swap the gay/straight when we came out. In my case it's been years, decades even that I was questioning my sexuality, and when I finally came to this realization that I'm living a lie, and I'm gay, the doubt just switched sides as I did. My thoughts anyway, maybe I'm on glue and am just reaching for anything to explain what's going on in my head.
Like someone else said here - it is a big leap of faith. We can somewhat predict our future based on what we know and our intuition. Even though I am not at the same stage as you are, I ask myself similar questions when entertaining ideas about my future. To me personally what holds dear is my own reflection on what I should be in my life, the meaning of my own self. I also ask what do I lose vs what do I gain personally. The question did cross my mind: If I ever was determined to leave my marriage, will I be happy and content if my fluid sexuality ever went back to what it was prior to meeting my trigger crush?? A thought process kind of makes the answer easier to find: 'Clearly I've been into men all my life, then I must be bisexual. Bisexual women marry men. If married as a bisexual, does it have to be an open marriage? I love my husband, and don't feel comfortable with open marriage.' That gives me my answer at this point of my life.. If you really feel strong that you are gay and not bisexual, than it may not be the same thinking process as I am applying here..