Can't know unless you try, right?

I know I shouldn't still be confused, but I am. About whether I want to end things for good with my female partner. About if I'm truly gay or if that matters. I'm closer to having the strength and knowledge to just do it, and she just went away out of the country for 10 days so maybe this time to think will really make things clear. But I need to vent for a moment.

I get that she isn't okay with an open relationship. We crossed that bridge long ago in conversation and we're never going back. But right now as we're separated, and figuring out which direction to take things, I feel less and less like we're actually a couple. We don't live together (which is a point of contention for her - while she kicked me out multiple times, she feels betrayed that I decided to move into an apartment with a guy she hates, and his boyfriend, as my roommates. She blames him for our relationship issues, so) and we aren't intimate physically anymore (no sex, cuddling, kissing), and we sometimes have good hang outs but most times end up fighting pretty badly. To me, a romantic relationship means having physical intimacy at the least. She also constantly reminds me that she doesn't trust me, though I've earned that.

But here's what I want to vent about right now. My sexuality. Part of our separation was to figure out if I'd be happier with guys. But, she's flat out told me that during this separation she doesn't want us dating other people, especially me dating guys because it is her worst nightmare and she couldn't be with me again if I was with a man.

So...huh? How am I supposed to figure out what I want if I can't actually try it?

I was telling one of my best friends about this today and he summed it up perfectly. I can either figure myself out and lose her, or stay with her and never know.

And it's stuff like that pushing me closer to ending it. I just hate that it will be ended for good.

 

Thanks Nick. She doesn't see it as asking me to change. She says that she is accepting of my sexuality, though honestly I just don't get how she sees herself as accepting. Not wanting me to talk about it, act on it, fantasize about it (just earlier in the same conversation she told me that she believes I watch gay porn so I can perform with her, and that I like getting oral from her because I can pretend its a man doing it...none of this is true, and she had no reason to think any of this except that she's insecure about my sexuality. Plus I love performing oral on her, and there's no pretending she's a guy in that, soooo) doesn't equal accepting to me at all.

The monogamy question is one I am debating as much as the sexuality question. I'm just not sure. I think there's more of a chance of me being monogamous with a guy versus a woman, but I don't know. It's been so long since I was satisfied in my relationship with her that its hard to judge, because satisfied me might be fine being monogamous. But probably not forever. Even with guys, the few I've talked to and dated a little (nothing serious, and yes I know this goes against her wishes) I've been open to about how monogamy might not be my thing. Especially when I also still have my FWBs as roommates. Huh, maybe that answers that alone. Because I'm not very eager to give them up either.