I really don't want to do any of this anymore. I am married but I want to be with women. To the point it hurts. When I told my husband, the pain in his eyes was so deep. I didn't want to hurt him. Now, I'm still trying to make this marriage work. I'm trying so hard. It's not like I don't love him, because I do. I didn't want to be this person I am now. But, I can't take it back... Tmi coming..... So, when we are intimate, he wants me to climax in a way that a man and women does. The other day he wouldn't do anything else but.... I even asked because I wasn't in to it. He told me no that its the only way I get off now. Its like he wants to prove I'm still into him. He has liked pages on Twitter that show a man and women together. Life right now, emotionally is getting to hard and this is making it harder. I didn't ask to be this way. I didn't want to hurt anyone. And I'm just going to hurt more people if I decide to leave the marriage. I look and wonder if how long I will be able to be this way. But I feel like I'm near the edge.... I was thinking about not even posting this since apparently the last few threads no one answered
Hey there, I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's awful. There are some things in life that we can't change, no matter how hard we try. It sounds like you put other peoples needs before your own? That isn't fair to you. What about your needs? You have them. They're important and you matter. What your husband did when you were intimate, also wasn't fair to you. It's sexually abusive. At some stage, your own happiness and well being has to become a priority, and it's a difficult journey when that means hurting other people, but it's the only way to move forward. You deserve to be happy. Do you feel like you can start doing that? I'd suggest as a starting point you seek out a therapist. Also, have a chat with your GP if you're feeling low, and if there is anyone else in your life who you can trust to help you reach out to them. In the meanwhile, big hugs and keep talking on EC.
I'm sorry hun. I know it's tough as hell. It's a grieving process. The stages are basically denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, though of course everyone is different and you can go back and forth between stages. It's pretty clear your husband is still on denial, whereas you're somewhere between bargaining and depression, and getting close to acceptance. Prepare yourself for rocky times as your husband goes through the remaining stages. On the plus side, you *will* both ultimately reach acceptance. It's a rough ride, but life goes on. You will be okay. Your husband will be okay. It just takes a while to get there. Try to focus on the reality of the situation and the things that are within your control - giving your husband some patience and understanding, making plans for the future, and being true to yourself. All the best to you. I know it's a cliché, but it does get better.
You shouldn't be treated that way. If he's not willing to please you in a way you need and respect your needs, he isn't being kind enough to be with. He can't demand that your body respond in a way that doesn't work. That's like looking at a diabetic and saying "produce more insulin" and expecting that to happen. Bodies can't be ordered into working in any particular way. And to treat a person as an inferior because of it is so not even close to okay! Follow your heart. You know what you need and want. I would place a bet that being treated crappy by a person you're not attracted to and have little sexual connection with likely isn't it.
I think I had a similar problem with my wife. I resented her, but I realized I wasn't communicating the issues I had with her. You deserve to be happy. If he isn't willing to make you happy because of his insecurities, that is a problem. You do need to accept yourself. He does as well. He needs to understand all of this from your point of view. If he doesn't because you haven't communicated it, then you might end up resenting him for the wrong reasons. It sounds like you have communicated and he is acting crazy because he's afraid. Complete honesty with yourself and with him are usually the ticket to giving yourself peace-of-mind.
I ended up talking to a crisis counselor. He reminded me being gay isn't something that is chosen. It is what it is. He also told me sometimes falling for someone just happens when you are not looking. Do I totally hate myself, yes. But, I can't change this. I just don't want to hurt anymore....
Like the crisis councelor said, this wasent a choice you made, it is what it is, it's a realization that your in a situation that isn't right for you, you have a bit of a rocky road ahead but be strong, it will get better, we will be here for you, (&&&) If your uncomfortable with intimacy with him, then stop being intimate, simple as that, you need to accept that your gay, and not interested in him that way anymore, it doesn't mean you love him any less, This is something he will probably have difficulty with but too bad, your needs can and will come first. You sound like your putting everyone else first above yourself, it's time to change that, it's not selfish or wrong it's what you need to do rate now.
Green 251 I hear you ... There is no getting away from ... It is a tough time for you right now and painful - yet know that it will pass and will become part of your story in time ... For me it's been about becoming more authentic and who I really am .. I came out of a long term hetro relationship .. I hated Sex in the end and in fact when I look back it was never right People get hurt when someone is brave enough to step forward and say 'this is who I am' but I believe dishonest living is no living at all ... As painful as it is for your husband for him to live in a relationship where the other is experiencing him as the wrong sex is unkind -- If he can't end it then I would strongly say it will be you that does -- Set him free Real love is not always easy - but love knows that it comes from truth - Let him free to find happiness with someone who is right for him and as you do this you gain your truth and freedom too ... Emotional pain heals - it sounds that of this situation continues for longer - you will both sit in it and it will be detrimental to your mental health
I've been there. I tried so hard to not be a lesbian, but I couldn't fake straight anymore. The depression I had from trying to live a life that wasn't "real" for me, was suffocating and I felt like I was not going to make it through. I understand not wanting to hurt anyone in ending a marriage. But don't forget that you don't deserve to be hurting for the rest of your life either. You deserve to be happy. And your husband deserves to be in a fulfilling marriage, too. The pain from ending a marriage can heal over time.
Oh, I totally get you. Sorry no one answered your posts. I just got back on after taking a long break from EC. Do you feel bored with your husband when it comes to being intimate? Have you ever been with a woman intimately before? You can still like women even if you haven't. I'm just curious. Right now, your husband is in denial. Deep down, I'm sure he knows you're gay. But a part of him is not willing to let you go. He wants to see if he can still bring you pleasure. You really don't need to remain in this marriage. You cannot force yourself to feel what your husband wants you to feel. You love your husband, because you care about him. But are you in love with him? If not, then it is time to move on. He will hurt from this, but right now, you're hurting. One day, he will find someone who can meet his needs. You need to focus on what makes you happy. This is your life.
I personally feel that in the long run, my needs and feelings aren't the ones that matter. He gets mad at me because he says I look for attention. Last night he got mad at me because I was in a good mood. Which is rare with my depression. Although I have had some days where I have felt, OK. We talked about it awhile ago about moving on and I think that we are both not ready for that yet. We both struggle because we want to make this work. All of these post about letting it go is really hard to read. And to answer the question, have I ever been intimate with another women... No. I've stole a touch here and there. All welcomed BTW. And I haven't ever told anyone this but I masterbated in front of a girl when I was in middle school. I was humping furniture! How embarrassing!!!! My mom walked in and was like whata doing? Nothing mom... Running outside!!! Women really turn me on, I don't think I will finally get the chance and afterwards be like, eh, that's not for me. These are suppressed emotions for a very long time. My first coming out, I was told I will get over it so I dropped the issue but college I wanted too.... Trust me!
I think your husband may be manipulating you into believe these things. I think he wants you to feel bad so that you will feel obligated to stick around. Your needs DO matter. The only reason you think they don't is because you are depressed and your self-esteem is low. Please never think your feelings don't matter.
You don't want to hurt anyone but you're hurting yourself. You deserve to be happy and you have to give yourself some TLC. You're husband is shocked and hurt but you can't take ownership of how he chooses to act out those feelings. Would he join you for some couples counselling? Good luck. Be strong. And be kind to yourself.
