I find it really hard to say 'no'. Any tips?

Just say no, and be blunt about it. A lot of men do better when you are blunt instead of beating around the bush. If he cares about you, he should respect you, and if not you need to get out of there fast.

 

I agree with Loli21.

 

Unless he is a loser or a douche, he should be aware of the fact you don't really enjoy going down on him. It is not hard to tell if someone isn't into something when it gets that intimate.

Do bring it up and do be blunt about it. Either he will understand and things will work out or his true colors will show and you should find someone who will treat you better.

 

Always be blunt with men,(well straight men at least) the majority of them are dumb lol That's what we do with each other blunt and to the point, it saves so much time

---------- Post added 6th Aug 2016 at 10:47 PM ----------

Just wanted to point out that's the first time I've excluded myself when talking about being straight, didn't notice until after I had typed it :icon_bigg

 

The gender stuff in here is annoying me a little, lol. I'm not a male, and I HATE when people aren't honest and to the point. Being honest is being mature, but anyway. I agree when others say to tell your partner how you feel. He may be upset. I think I'd be upset if someone told me they didn't want to have sex with me in a way that I liked having it. Maybe he's not that into it?? Doubtful, lol - but who knows. Either way, be honest because you shouldn't be doing anything, especially sexually, that makes you feel uncomfortable.

I would get ready for a bit of upset on his part. It also might be a deal breaker, but if it is, then maybe you need to find another relationship. You both can also work on ways to integrate something else in place of that. Instead of A, maybe do B instead. In the end, if you're not respected for your wants and needs, then it's not a good situation and you'll have to reevaluate. If this person values you and the relationship, and there are other options on the table for the same kind of goal oriented action, you should be able to work things out. There are many other things to do, so... you've got options!

 

That was in regard to not beating around the bush. You said partner - didn't know it was a marriage. I'd still stand by my comment that if your husband gets mad at you for not wanting to give him head then it's a pretty big issue. Good luck!

 

I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I can't imagine.

Could you maybe say to him that you've been feeling a bit lost with regards to how your life/job/career is or isn't progressing and it's consuming your emotions at the moment. You're not feeling sexy nor that you can enjoy being sexy but you're fine with him taking care of himself.

Tell him you'd like to take steps to figure out and grow this other side of your life.

I'm guessing/hoping he wants you to be the best you you can be and will accept your wishes.

 

You're looking for work or career training, right? (Sorry, can't remember which.)

What if you were really obvious about this? Printing out ads and info and studying them out in the open where he can't possibly miss what you're doing? Use this to bring up the conversation that you seriously need to do this because you're unfulfilled and it's starting to mess with your head. Mention how he must have noticed that your having trouble enjoying yourself, for example, in bed.

I think it helps to have these conversations away from the moment when you're calm and he's not expecting sex right then and there.

You need to do these things anyway going forward so maybe use this as a first step towards not hiding your true needs?

 

If he isn't happy with you not blowing is then he isn't right for you.. The relationship shouldn't be based on sex alone and sex is for the both of you not just him..

 

I'm really curious and may be asking some TMI questions here, so feel free not to answer (say NO, haha) but I'm wondering - why do you so passionately dislike giving him oral? What is behind that? Have you always disliked it or is it a reflection of the current status quo of the relationship? Have you always disliked giving it to men, period? Would you be against performing oral on a woman?

Saying NO is absolutely important. I'll be honest, from his standpoint, I think he does have the right to be frustrated by this. He doesn't have the right to treat you badly in response, but if he defines oral sex as a need of his and can't get it from his partner, it is absolutely frustrating. That's not a reason for you to do it, but it could be a reason for him to decide that you're not the right person for him or that maybe there's some other solution that requires some communication with you. It definitely sounds like you guys lack in communication.

But I think you should also examine why you really really really dislike performing oral on him.

And I partly say that because my partner and I got into an argument the other day where she revealed to me that she dislikes performing oral on me because she believes I only like when she does it because I can pretend a guy is doing it. So it's a much bigger issue/statement of our relationship than simply she doesn't like it.

 

That's definitely interesting to me. You're definitely not alone as a person who finds performing oral to be gross/something they dislike. I even know a gay guy who do not enjoy performing it. Everybody is entitled to their own likes and dislikes. But you fantasizing about doing it to a woman might be something worth remembering.

Yes! You're absolutely right that he should not be taking out his frustrations with you at all. You should be honest with him that it is something you don't want to do, and if it becomes a deal breaker for him or a reason to consider an open relationship or something, that is for him to decide and then communicate with you. He's pretty immature and used to just getting his way if his reaction is to yell at you or anything like that.

See, I've actually never pretended my partner was a guy. That's definitely another thing you should hold onto, information wise, since you're realizing it here. It matters.

 

Have you ever thought about your relationship with him like this?

What if you were straight? Absolutely, 100%. Everything is exactly the same except for your sexuality.

Now. Step back and look at your relationship. Is this a person you want to spend time with? Make a life with? He sounds completely selfish to me. Sure, he can have bad days where he can't contribute to child-rearing and or house chores but every day?! This is not a partnership.

If therapy or improved communication are not in the cards, if I were you, I would start operating as if he weren't there. Do what you need to do. Need time to do your work? Is there a friend/relative/neighbour who could take your daughter for a few hours? Get your own bank account, if you haven't already, and start filling it up any chance you get.

Why not get into the mindset of "if you want something done right, you need to do it yourself"?

Is there a spare bedroom you could use? Have you been to the doctor recently? Tell him you've been told "no sex" for the foreseeable future. Including oral!