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I can't get out of this

Discussion in 'LGBT Later in Life' started by LoveInSpace, Aug 6, 2016.

  1. LoveInSpace

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    I am out to my husband and he just doesn't care. He's known since before we got married.

    I am immensely angry that he pressured me into a relationship after I repeatedly turned him down. I am also angry at my past self for not being able to stand up for what I truly needed at the time. I was a pushover. I cared more about pleasing other people than what I needed.

    Now I am a mom and (ugg) wife...I feel like I have been completely erased. All my ambition, potential, sucked away.

    I love my kids, I would not change anything about them for the world.
    But I am so angry that I let myself be dragged down this path and I can't get out.

    My husband is not strong enough to handle a divorce. He is needy and clingy and it drives me crazy, but I do love him in a platonic way and I can't bring myself to tear his world apart. I honestly believe he would not survive it. You don't know him. He works hard and is a devoted dad but he needs a lot of support. He could barely handle a single night away from us for work. It's...sweet?

    Besides, I am the only thing standing between a good stable life for my kids. If I can just get over myself and be a responsible parent, they will be fine. I just need to forget about being gay.

    I am angry about this.

    I don't want to hurt people and I hate myself.

    I have considered devoting myself foot the career that I don't have to distract myself from how much this hurts. I have to work on my resume.

    I need to be the mother my children deserve or I will never forgive myself. I hate that I am making this so difficult. I also hate that he took away my opportunity to ever be in love. He took away everything I could have been. I hate that I sound like an angst teenager when I am supposed to be responsible for other people. What the hell is wrong with me?

    My children deserve better. I don't know how to give it to them. If I divorce, it will not be okay. Trust me. But this is also not okay. I am a terrible person for ever having children,

    Is there any way I can fix this?
     
  2. Stewie

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    You honestly can't be angry at him, you agreed to a relationship, but at least you know now, while there's plenty of time to figure out your next steps. Rather then just living a lie, unhappy with your choices.

    ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2016 at 10:11 PM ----------

    At this point focus on your kids, you obviously love them, and they are going to need you, and need you strong and focused.
     
  3. Anthemic

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    Gosh, even I'm mad at your husband. He sounds manipulative. Not in an aggressive way, but in a "feel sorry for me" way. He pressured you to get into a relationship, and that was wrong. If you are not happy, then you need to end the marriage. So what if it hurts him? He obviously doesn't care about how hurt you are, since he wasn't honest with you and pressured you into this mess. I know what it's like to feel this way. I'm a pushover, too. Some people will never understand what it feels like to be pressured into something because you're so worried about other peoples feelings. I know I sound harsh, but I guess I'm sick of people preying on other peoples kindness.

    Right now, focus on your kids and finding a good job. Once you're stable enough to be without him financially, make the move. You should not have to be a prisoner to this dude.
     
    #3 Anthemic, Aug 6, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 6, 2016
  4. Stewie

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    Talk with him and tell him you can't live a lie, but your not just going to divorce and leave him hanging, it's going to be a process, 1-2-3 years. Whatever you decide, but set out a tentative time-line, and don't just set it and not talk about it again, work on it, get him prepared, get yourself prepared, you kids prepared.

    ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2016 at 10:28 PM ----------

    I'm sorry but all I see here is a lot of blame being dished out, but not a lot of responsibility, it takes 2 to tango, instead of blaming him for everything and focusing on the past, look forward and focus on the future. You both made mistakes, dwelling on them and pointing fingers gets you no where. And you now have kids to look out for.
    The one thing you do have is time, time to make a plan, get a good job, push him a bit to become more independent, he's gonna have to cause your leaving in 'x' amount of time right ?
    Now this doesn't have to be a fight, work together on this, it will be hard no doubt there, but again you have kids that you love and they should be priority one.

    ---------- Post added 6th Aug 2016 at 10:36 PM ----------

    They do deserve better and your going to give it to them (*hug*)

    Your not a terrible person, your a person and well we make mistakes, but you at least realized your mistake in time to change/fix it before any lasting damage occurred.

    You can fix this and you will, is there an over night cure, HellNo there never is, but with some communication and some work on both of your parts, you will overcome this for yourself and for the kids you love.

    Hope this helps, sorry for being a bit harsh keep us updated (&&&)(&&&)(&&&)
     
  5. LostInDaydreams

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    This sounds like a really difficult situation, but try not to beat yourself about the past so much.

    I can relate to this a bit. I've been a SAHM for the last few years and a times have felt really trapped. I'm sorry to hear that you feel there's no way out.

    Does he have any other support, besides you? Any family that could support him if you did separate? If you do separate, he's not your responsibility. He's an adult. But, as you say, I don't know him, and you're the one who will have to deal with it all. Just remember your own needs and wants too. Are you going to feel a lot of resentment towards him years down the line?

    You're not alone in feeling this way. I've felt this way myself. But, do you think that you'll be able to parent to the best of your ability whilst feeling so unhappy? Do you not think that your children will pick up on this?

    I'm starting work on my career too. It's a great first step to changing your situation.

    I can relate to feeling more like a moody teenager at times than a responsible adult, but for me, I don't blame my partner for getting me in this situation. I got myself here, and I can't change that. I agreed to be a SAHM so I don't blame my partner for that. His attitude towards it has been a source of resentment for me, though. He thinks I've not been contributing anything to the relationship for years, tells me he could do it better, refers to me as 'staff', and I could go on, but the situation itself, I got myself into.

    I'm really sorry that you feel there is no way forward. Do you have any real life support?

    You're not a terrible person. You're thinking about your children and what's best for them.

    Keep posting. (*hug*)
     
  6. YeahpIdk

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    LoveInSpace, whoa, heavy stuff. I think you can fix this, most definitely. No one can make you marry them, unless it's some kind of arranged marriage. This is not all of your husband's fault. Once you accept and take responsibility for your own actions, it might help you to move forward and take control of your future.

    Your husband does sound a little manipulative, even if it's unconscious, and maybe it stems from abandonment/anxiety issues -- maybe a mix of both. I don't think that much attachment is 'sweet,' as you question. I think that's problematic. Feeling like you can't leave a marriage because you're afraid your husband will kill himself, which is what I think you're implying, is also a manipulation tactic and emotional abuse.

    I don't have much knowledge in this, personally, but so many on here have similar situations going on/have left similar situations. Until they come to chime in, I think that you should try to find some counseling for yourself ASAP. Your husband knows, has an idea that you're unhappy because you're gay -- use that to your advantage. It really shouldn't be a huge shocker to him then that you're not wanting to be with him. I would seek counseling so you can find the best way possible to do what you need to do for yourself and your children. Many people have left a hetero marriage, with kids, and have done so successfully. It's not easy, but seemingly worth it to live an authentic life.

    In the mean time, stay safe, and figure out exactly what you want to do. Your life is not over. You can still have what you want and need. Keep talking on here, and again, stay safe over everything!

    PS -- do not let the threat of suicide hold you back from leaving.
     
    #6 YeahpIdk, Aug 7, 2016
    Last edited: Aug 7, 2016
  7. YeahpIdk

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    I feel like what I said about taking responsibility for your actions was a little brash. I meant that in the sense that, taking responsibility for actions is the first step in understanding that we do have control over our lives. You sound like you're in a place where you feel you've lost all control, and that's why you're so panicked and unhappy (totally understandable). But you always had the control. Even if you made a bad decision for yourself, it doesn't mean that you can't turn it around and stop making decisions that don't align with your wants. I'm sorry if that sounded harsh before.

    :slight_smile:
     
  8. RosePetals76

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    "Besides, I am the only thing standing between a good stable life for my kids. If I can just get over myself and be a responsible parent, they will be fine. I just need to forget about being gay"

    This statement truly bothers me. Do you really think you're the best parent you can be by lying to your kids about who you are and faking a relationship? Is that what you'd want them to do if they were telling adult? I don't know any stable relationships built on lies, so I'm sure if that's the foundation that you're calling stability for your kids, it will eventually crash. Wouldn't it be better to be truthful and teach them to be honest and true to themselves? What if your kid was gay, would you want them to pretend to be hetero?

    In regards to your husband... It sounds like he is mentally instable, and that's really hard. I'm sorry for that, and it does make things hard. Maybe he'd handle an open relationship better than a break up?
     
  9. Tomás1

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    When u say "I can't get out of this" … it's a self fulfilling prophesy.