As my posts have likely been showing, I'm going through some internal battles. And I think I'm starting to understand them better. There are many things I'm troubled by, loss and grief, fear and apprehension about whether I can do this the right way for my daughter, even fears about losing the strong bond I have with her, and a huge hole in my heart in terms of maybe never having that second child I desperately want. But there is another piece to this thst has been sort of hard for me to untangle. And I think what I'm finding is this: There are two "me"s, there's the me in touch with the purest sense of myself, the me who understands my core needs, the one who knows instinctually which direction I need to go when facing decisions. Then there's the me who questions all of those things, who doubts all of those instincts, and who judges the inner me harshly. It took me a long time to get in touch with that pure me who knows my core self. And for a brief moment, I felt strong and clear and warm and happy, like I'd found something that I could call home. But now that I've made this decision to separate, I see this time ahead, a huge dark patch of time just around the corner, where the separation starts to become a decision outside of just myself, my husband and our daughter. Everybody will start to weigh in. And they're all going to ask me questions or confront me with judgment. And ok, so I can handle that, as a general concept. I can in many cases handle criticism and judgment from others....but in this case, their judgment, their harsh view of me and what I'm doing, those are my own judgements of me... Of course I am not always judging me, I have a sense of strength in me somewhere and I'm trying so hard to grip onto that bit of me that feels I know me and I know my needs and I know the right path. But the other me is still so loud, louder than I'd realised. That me keeps bringing to the surface all of those things that make me feel like a person who is just so totally fucked up in every way for creating this situation. Like how could I do this to my husband? How could I not know myself before marrying him? Why have I created a life, brought this wonderful little girl into the world, into such a shitty false life, a life that was bound to fall apart. And how can I take away the life she has and turn it upside down? Why am I hurting everyone to follow my needs? Why am I so utterly dense and unaware of myself that I didn't understand that I'm gay before I got us all into this mess? Why was I such a coward before when I had those moments I considered coming out way before I had a family? Why can't I make my marriage work? Why can't I just take it all on me and let everyone continue being happy? Why can't I figure out how to be happy in my marriage? Why am I such a failure? I know, on some level, that all of that is utter bullshit. I thought I'd dealt with those questions, those feelings, that judgement of myself. But apparently it's all still there. And I just can't seem to deal with that apprehension of the coming fallout where everyone is involved in this separation, and where I need to confront all of these judgements. I don't know if they will really say all of this to me, or whether they will think it. But something about the thought of this whole process being so much out there for everyone to see, makes those judgements feel more difficult to face. I'm not sure how to deal with all of these things I feel. I don't know how to get myself to really truly believe in me, believe in those things I thought I'd come to accept and embrace.
I can't relate, but this really struck me. It must be very hard. Sorry you're feeling this, but I'm glad you've posted it. One of my biggest concerns is the reactions of people outside of the three of us, not so much my family, but his family, our neighbors, and we met at work, so people there too. I think it's fear of losing control of the situation, and them not seeing the situation as I do. No advice, but I can relate to a lot of you've posted here. Facing the reality must be very difficult. I suppose that whilst your situation will be more open for everyone to see, they'll never know the full picture. They can't really, unless they've lived it, so their interpretations are always going to be biased towards their values and experiences. You know that you're doing the right thing. Some people are just very judgmental, and that will say more about them than you.
I just took a shower, and did a bit of deep breathing to clear my head. I think it has given me a chance to take another, more clear look at the questions I mentioned that have been plaguing me. The following are my clear-headed answers...I hope I can keep this perspective: How could I do this to my husband? My husband and I haven't ever given each other what we each need. Right now this hurts my husband, and he wants more than anything to make what *we* have work. But what we have doesn't work. It's missing fundamental pieces that each of us need to be whole and fully fulfilled. We can't grow together, we can't love each other in the fullest sense. We could maybe be better partners, better friends, kinder and more patient. But I can't give him what he really needs, and he can't give me what I really need. I *am* causing my husband pain, by bringing all of this to the surface, by admitting defeat and saying that we have to stop trying to turn around this marriage for the better. But in the end, by making this step, by ending things between us, I'm opening up his future, just like I'm opening up my own, to a richer life and a more fulfilling partnership with someone else. How could I not know myself before marrying him? Why have I created a life, brought this wonderful little girl into the world, into such a shitty false life, a life that was bound to fall apart. The life I've led up to now was what I believed to be the right path. I married my husband for what I thought were the right reasons. I knew something felt like it was missing, always, but i didn't really put all the pieces together until I finally started accepting who I am in the last year. I had a different understanding at that time about what I would be able to feel, to experience, to build with a partner. I presumed that much of what was missing in this relationship and all of those in the past was down to me "doing love wrong", me being broken, my partner having a different way of expressing love than what I wanted. I thought we could grow together. At the very least I thought we could build a happy life side by side. And we brought our daughter into this world under the hope that we really were and would be a good family. This view of love and relationships shows a glaring and striking misunderstanding of reality of course. And that misunderstanding comes from a much deeper denial of self. An internal shame of what I thought I might be, what I, on some level, knew my feelings really mean. I wish I hadn't have felt that shame, that I wouldn't have gotten so entangled in this life and created a situation for my husband that would end in pain. And create difficulty for my daughter. But it was not a life of lies. It was a life I thought I could make work, I thought I could make into a stronger situation than what ever seemed possible in the beginning. And how can I take away the life my daughter has and turn it upside down? Why am I hurting everyone to follow my needs? Rather than turning her life upside down and hurting everyone, I suppose what I'm doing now is correcting a mistake 9 years in the making. Wonderful things have come out of this mistake. My daughter being the most wonderful of those things. Memories and a strong friendship with my husband. A home filled with love, even if it's not the happiest of homes. But we can make things better for all of us. I can't live a life in which my needs go ignored and completely forgotten. My needs have value. And my daughter will benefit from having a mother who has found the courage to walk away from the wrong path and forge a new life which is more authentic, more honest and truer to her own needs. If I can take care of me, I can take better care of my daughter. This isn't selfish, it's necessary. I need to be me and I need to nurture my needs. Why am I so utterly dense and unaware of myself that I didn't understand that I'm gay before I got us all into this mess? Why was I such a coward before when I had those moments I considered coming out way before I had a family? The closet is powerful, denial is powerful, and the fear and shame that drives us to it is powerful. I had so many reasons that I pushed this part of my self deep inside. And I know that I did it out of protection for myself. I worked my way slowly out of that web of denial, and finding my way here is something to be proud of. I was ready when I was ready, and no sooner. It does no good to look back at the past with such judgement and regret. Why can't I make my marriage work? Why am I such a failure? It's not a failure to recognise that my marriage isn't healthy or positive and that saving it comes at too large a cost for all of us. It's an act if courage and clarity to do so. It takes strength to do so. Making it through this in the right way, giving love and security all the while to our daughter, then she will thrive, and we will all be better for it. And this gives me a chance to choose more wisely, to build a successful partnership in the future, one that's based in a stronger foundation from the start. ---------- Post added 7th Aug 2016 at 05:10 AM ---------- NotMyName- (*hug*) Thanks so much for the encouragement and insight. What you are saying really resonates with me. I do feel a lot if this is about losing control of the situation. And you're right that the most important thing is knowing in myself that I'm on the right path. And not to let others' judgment be a part of my sense of what's right.
barista, as long as we are living and breathing, we will be changing and (hopefully) evolving and getting better. You are not ruining a good thing. Instead, you are opening up a wonderful new window for yourself and everyone else in your life. Even though in your case the implementation details are tricky, I truly believe that you will eventually figure out something that works for everyone. Yes people will comment and judge but ultimately your life is worth 5 minutes of gossip in their tea time so don't worry about them. Plus more and more people have realized that it is extremely unhealthy to pretend a marriage works if it really does not work. Hopefully most people in your immediate circle will be understanding!
I think that is your true self and your inner critic fighting each other in internal battles. There was a time when I had those internal battles as well, related to other aspects of my life. What helped me tremendously was writing. Writing stream of consciousness, whatever comes to my mind, what was bothering me. As I talked myself through, I trashed out value issues, self blaming, blaming of others etc etc. Sometimes a path or solution might present itself on the pages. It is a long heart wrenching process. I think that is what you are doing here trying to figure out your thoughts. Eventually you will find some clarity and inner peace. Be patient and compassionate towards yourself as you work though the issues. Sorry I can't be of more help here, 'cos only you know what it is like in your situation. I can only share my experience and what worked for me. There may come a point where you get so sick and tired of all the self bashing and trying to find an answer to everything that you simply drop it and decide that enough is enough. That is not a bad place to be, 'cos you will feel happier and lighter.
We spend most of our lives listening to other people tell us how to live.Family. Friends. Politicians. Car salesmen. Make up models. But when we put up the STOP sign and declare how WE want to live, we are buried in self-doubt and even guilt. I guess what I'm saying is, that breaking free isn't easy and it doesn't happen overnight. But in the end, its all worth it. Truth is, I'm not there either. I'm very jealous of people who have the courage to stand up for themselves. And very fearful of how I will be judged. Just maybe try to see yourself the way WE see you - kind and empathetic. We made choices that in hindsight weren't good ones or even honest ones. But at the time, we thought they were. The one fact is that we are human and therefore, not immortal. How soon we begin living each day as if it were our last will determine how happy we will be. And from everything you've shared, it sounds like you've made the right decison!
