I've posted on here before but before I start this post I'll point out: I am Bi, mid twenties, not out, have an incredibly homophobic family, no support network outside of them. Over the last couple of years my mindset has changed so much. In my late teens, when I came to terms with the fact that I'd prefer to be in a relationship with a guy, I always thought I would one day make my life work out and make my parents see a different side to gayness etc. They're so obsessed with the stereotypes, yet I've never fit into that and always thought if I came out I could make them see they are so wrong in their views. I didn't have the confidence to go on a dating site until two and a half years ago and I think this has slowly changed my own views and now in my mid twenties I suddenly feel that I can't deal with this. I was deluded when younger to think that many gay men can have long term relationships - I'm afraid open relationships and hook ups aren't for me. But that seems to be what the majority want. Not only that but it's made me realise that I really am in a minority and a lot of stereotypes really are true. It's never helped me that I've always had an attraction to women as well, I just can't long for an actual relationship with one. But the amount of biphobia in both gay and straight communities is shocking. I have also recently realised that ever since I was a teenager I've convinced myself I never want a family of my own, but as I'm getting older I really am not sure anymore. It's hurting me to think I'm never going to have the possibility of experiencing that. Just lonliness. Sorry if my post offends anyone. I know not all gay and bi men are like that, there must be other people like me. But if I feel that way, how could I ever convince my parents they're wrong in their views. I guess you see things more realisticly as the years go on.
I wouldn't waste my time "trying to convince my parents they're wrong". It's not that they're wrong, they just are from a different era, and have a different view. Regardless, it sounds like you have plenty of work to do on your own, understanding your own sexuality, and how you want to create and express love and affection in your life.
I can't say anything that will suddenly help just like that, but having only just signed up here the one thing I can say is that it does help having people on here to talk to who understand. That's helped me and, although I have a long way to go, gives me some hope that I can make some small steps after years of getting nowhere. There's always like minded people around, it's just sometimes hard to find them.
I wouldn't trouble yourself with your parents views rate now, your have stuff to work on within yourself, if you want a relationship with another man then your going to have to find one, There is men out there looking for more then a hookup, you just have to find them, I'm looking myself rate now, I posted an ad on Craigslist... Out of the 20+ replies, only one actually read my post, so we started emailing, now we're not right for each other that was pretty obvious within the first few emails but still I found one!!! Lol. It's not an easy task, and not something your going to find rate away, and by the sounds of it, you still need sometime to get comfortable with your own sexuality anyway. And as far as a family, why can't you have that in a male/male relationship ??? Adopt, find a surrogate, there's many options.
Besides online dating sites what else have you done to meet guys? I ask because the type of guys that you are looking to avoid typically dominate those sites - especially the free ones. Even the guys like yourself that really want to meet a potential life partner and start a family are likely to give the wrong impression because they also are living a closeted life and don't want to risk the complications of a double life. Being bi does come with some extra challenges because of the stereotypical misconceptions that come with it but honesty is the key here. It may feel that you are further reducing the pool of potential partners but it's best to think of it as fine tuning the selection. The bottom line is that being a bi man, in the closet, looking for likeminded guys who want a monogamous relationship leading to a family is tough but it's not hopeless. You just need to look in the right places, respectfully look past those that aren't right for you and live openly and honestly. Yes it's hard work and it doesn't seem fair that it's so easy for others but when you find that happiness it is worth so much more because of all the effort that went into finding it.
Hi Dave Being bi, I am curious why you are looking at only men to become involved in a long term relationship? As a bi man, I found it quite easy, albeit not honest, to live as a straight husband for decades. I never needed to disclose this to anyone. As it turns out, I should have been honest with my wife. She is fine with it. You may be able to find the same sort of relationship. A couple of my new acquaintances I met on a hookup site are married bisexuals who are out to their wives. Their wives are OK with this as is mine. You may find, as I did for thirty years, that you can be happy in a monogamous relationship with a woman. Honesty and communication are the most important things. But also a dedication to a committed relationship. As a closeted bisexual, I would think finding a gay lover for a long term relationship would be tough. This sort of relationship, for many, would require a level of openness that you are not yet willing, or able, to provide. Why would an out gay man want to be in a closeted relationship?
Thanks for your responses. I guess the reason I find it harder to think of being in a relationship with a woman is firstly because I question what woman would want to be with someone like me and secondly what if I ended up in a relationship with a woman and realised it wasn't what I wanted?
The answer to your first question is that there are women out there willing date bi guys, maybe she might be bi herself. Secondly what if you realised it wasn't what you wanted - you judge that by how you feel about her and how the relationship makes you feel.
I hope your not basing your perception of stereotypes on what you have seen on social apps. Social apps do not reflect the true makeup of the broader LGBT community, but reflect just a segment looking primary for hook ups and casual sex. In order to really understand what is out there, you need to get out there and make yourself available to others in more everyday settings. Getting involved in community activities where you can connect with other LGBT will help you see past the online community. Social groups, charity organizations, sports leagues, professional LGBT groups, are available to help you meet other like minded people. The more you get involved, the higher the probability you will meet others that you can connect with.
It sounds like you are, maybe, on the gay side of bi if what you really desire is a long term relationship with a man. At your age, you have time. It sounds like maybe you need to become more comfortable with your sexuality. As OTH wrote, as you engage more in gay activities and lifestyle you will have more opportunity to meet other gay men who seek what you do. This carries the risk of being more out.
Honestly dude, it doesn't sound like you're actually gay to me but sexually confused. I don't think you have a gay bone in your body. I could be wrong.. but just try dating a guy. I bet you won't like it. You should not have to apologize for anything you said either. Who cares if someone's offended?
