I'm not sure what else there is to say. I hate my life, nothing about it is the way it's supposed to be. The one thing I want to be able to do, through anything, through whatever I'm feeling or whatever's happening around us, I at least want to be a good mother. But I'm not. I'm a shit parent. I'm angry and impatient and just generally a shit mother. From the time my daughter was born, I've felt like I'm just putting every ounce of energy into just not showing stress and anger and frustration to my daughter, which I'm feeling because of, basically our life, which, to be honest, has only had run of the mill problems. So our marriage was stressful and ive not been happy, now it's the separation. These aren't the kinds of problems that should make it feel impossible to parent properly. I'm just so deeply unhappy about how my life has turned out. How did I get myself here into this life? Why didn't I create a better home to raise a child in?
I'm really sorry that you're feeling this way. I feel like this sometime too. For me, I get quite frustrated at my partners lack of support and involvement, which means I often get more stressed and frustrated when he's actually around. I feel like I'm often better with my daughter when we're alone. Also, at times I've often felt like I have a really short fuse due just feeling generally unhappy, and it takes a lot of energy not show that to my daughter. Like you, there's nothing really wrong with our life on the surface, but I suppose putting energy into negative things, means it can't be used on positive things. I often feel like a really bad parent too, and I don't think my partner and I function well together, which doesn't help. Other mums I know, seem to have everything so together, but then they and their partners/husbands really seem like they're a team. It's not an excuse, and nobody can really know what anyone else's relationship is like, but I don't know how they do it. Anyway, you're not alone, and everyone doubts their parenting ability. I'm sure you're doing a great job! (*hug*)
What is becoming very evident is the massive mood swings you have. When you see your counselor next, may I suggest you raise these mood swings during that session. There may be ways the swings can be minimized that can help as you get through what is clearly a challenging part of your journey.
Barista. I've been wondering if you've chatted to your gp at all? You are going thru such a hard time and maybe they can give you something to help you thru the difficult days?
Life is bigger than the moment my dear. you're allowed to have bad days, perhaps finding another outlet for negative emotions is helpful; even screaming into a pillow. I took it out on the wood pile in the back yard when I was adjusting to the new me. I do agree with OTH though, you seem to be having a lot of ups and downs and some trouble dealing with the downs especially, a frank chat with your counselor could be very helpful for you and your daughter. (*hug*)
I bet you're a way better mom than you think. None of us are perfect. I know there's a lot with my kids I'd change. If your child is fed, clothed, clean, told s/he is lover daily, and respected as a person, you're doing a great job. Keep working on improving small things in your life at a time, and you'll get to where you're wanting to be.
