So I've established that I'm not happy with myself. And I have made the realization that I am a trans woman. And after that, more or less, I have felt happier with myself. Everything I've tried that I have avoided because it was limited to women (small things mostly, using moisturizer every day, nightly face routine, keeping my nails longer, painted nails, etc) have made me feel better and felt right and made me temporarily happier. So all of those are good and are pointing me in one direction. The other side to my experience is my wife and family. (Quick update for those who have been commenting, my wife and I are taking things one day at a time, and we actually, ironically, are closer and more connected and more intimate, than we have been in years.) They are my world. As I told my therapist, just being part of this family we have created causes me much external happiness. I have had all the things needed to be happy, except internal acceptance and happiness. But my conflict is that the farther down the road to expressing what I am feeling inside I get, two things happen. I feel happier internally, but I also push myself farther away from my family and the happiness that creates. I am not 100% on what I want and need to make myself feel better, I'm afraid it will need to be taken all the way. My wife has laid out the limits of what she can accept right now; dressing, appearing in public (with her) as a woman, and hormones are all non-starters. I'm confused because I feel like by making myself happier internally, I'll be making myself less happy overall by making my wife and family leave. When is that trade off okay? When should I just do what I need to do for me and not worry about the consequences? When should I stay with my family and worry less about myself? I'm so confused and conflicted.
It seems you are in such a hurry here. Give this some time. My wife went from "it's OK to be bi...just don't do anything about it" to approving and discussing my same sex activities in a few months. I just never push her even when I feel it is urgent. You are out and you are being honest. Take this opportunity to learn about yourself and become more comfortable.
Do you believe your family is, or can be, fully happy if you are not living life the way your supposed to be? Right now, I bet there is tension, mistrust and confusion from their perspective. While you are living half truths, so will they be living half truths. In life, shouldn't everyone be living the full truth? Short term, there certainly would be pain for everyone if you push them away. Long term, however, for everyone to actually truly live life to the fullest, including yourself, you should consider ripping the bandaid off quickly and see how the wound heals. If you leave them desolate and unable to live, then that would be selfish. But if they can be self sustaining, have a roof over their head, and take care of their living needs, then maybe its actually selfish if you do not make the next step on your journey.
