I'm 40 yr old mother of 2 in a hetero relationship/marriage for 12 years. It's my second marriage. I've known I liked girls since I was 13. Both husbands have known I was attracted to girls. As I was also attracted to my husbands I didn't think it mattered. I was either quietly bisexual or I'm a lesbian who is happily married to a man. I live in a small town- a few gay men but no lgbt community and I don't have any lgbt friends. But recently I feel I'm missing something. I am constantly seeking stories, books and films of lesbian relationships. I hate that everyone assumes me to be straight but on the other hand I don't need lots of people knowing my business. I'd rather identify as lesbian than bi or straight but I don't really know why. I still care for and find my husband attractive but I don't want to be in an emotional relationship with him. I don't want to live with him. in 5 or 10 yeas time I want to be waking up next to a woman. I wish I had been brave enough to come out in my teens. I mourn the life I didn't live as a lesbian in my teens, 20s and 30s. But I don't know if this is all just a grass is always greener thing. How do I know I'm genuinely gay or bi and not just bored? Even if I am gay or bi is it worth ending a caring relationship over? The emotional upheaval, financial ruin and suffering of the children. If I am bi then why can't I just accept that I'm in a relationship with my husband and make efforts to fix that? I've been feeling like this for almost a year - well actually much longer than that but it's been a big issue for me for a year and I'm unable to forget about it for even a day. Any thoughts or advice?
First off, it doesn't matter if you're a lesbian or bi, you said you don't really want to be with your husband. Moreover you clearly said you'd prefer to be with a woman down the line, Now to the main point, If your children and husband really love you, will they want you to be miserable your whole life? You also said you were worried, living in a small town, that people will talk. Move to a bigger town. Listen, this isn't going to be easy for anyone to deal with but since there's going to be less pain telling them than if you swallow it all/lie to yourself and hope you don't die 25 years early of a massive stroke, it's a matter of when and how to me, not if.
You're certainly not straight. Me either, and welcome to EC, this place is great for learning and support! I encourage you to read, post, learn, etc., and identify your orientation as best you can. For some, that's not an easy task. I'll offer my experience if it helps at all. I'm male, bisexual, 48, married (opposite sex) for 15 years, kids. I'm quite certain I'm bi, I'm attracted to both. My wife is supportive because we love each other and are monogamous. After a lot of thought, reading, learning, etc., I decided I wanted to come out as bi and get more involved in the LGBT community. So far, I'm about halfway out, have done some volunteering at the LGBT Center, and really feel fulfilled/complete by being out. It's me, it feels good to be me. It hasn't been easy. Straight people have a really hard time wrapping their brain around why I'd want to come out when I didn't have to. For me, it's important and has been a great life experience. I've met a number of bisexuals here, and the range of experiences is amazing, so I'm just one data point. Don't knowif that helps. Stick around, keep posting, you'll get a bunch of great help.
Thanks mvp - you're right moving is definitely on the cards but due to work etc that's not a quick and easy process. I like your straight down the line no nonsense approach Adray - it's great your wife is so supportive. I do wonder if being able to be out and part of the lgbt community while remaining in my relationship would be enough for me. It's possible that just the freedom to be honest and be recognised would be enough for me.
TBH, you might even find your husband will do whatever necessary to make it work; lots of guys would be happy to see their wife with a second women, though it sounds as if you'd not prefer that. So in any case, there are a lot of options, it depends what you most want.
Finding yourself is a ling, hard process. If you've discovered that you don't want to be with your husband, then that's probably the first thing you need to address, whether you're exploring your sexuality or not.
Hi RainbowBrite, I've often worried about the grass is greener thing too, and I can relate to a lot things in your post. I think RosePetals is right, think about how you feel about your relationship first, and go from there. Keep posting and keep reading threads, it really helps.
No major advice here. However, I could have wrote this exactly. Although my wife has no idea. Good luck and keep us posted.
Thanks rose petals I've been thinking a lot about that today. My husband actually told me months ago he didn't think he wanted to be married to me anymore but I've felt like I could fix things. When I accepted it was over and was prepared to face the future he refused to move out. So I've been thinking that deep down he did want to fix things and been wrestling with that. I feel that if I put up a fight and act more like his mother than his wife I could drag us to therapy (I've been alone he wouldn't come) and we could make a go....but my sexuality issue has been making me think that I would be wrong to do all that because it's all going To break down anyway when I can no longer keep my true self hidden. But if I can put my sexuality aside then maybe just maybe we have a fighting chance. But today I know for sure that my sexuality is not the most relevant factor here....there's a very broken relationship and in all honesty I don't want to fix it. And neither does he. I just feel that I 'should' fix it for the sake of the kids and because im scared to tell my parents! ---------- Post added 11th Aug 2016 at 09:21 PM ---------- Thanks notmyname I guess the more I think about the marriage the more I know it's at an end. Certainly the more time I spend with the husband he more I know it. I guess I'm just getting ahead of myself excited that I could be free to actually explore things and then tripping myself up by over thinking it all. And I wonder if the real reason I don't want to fix things is because of my sexuality...then what if I'm wrong. But life is short and I can't dwell on my wasted decades...I need to move on and start living. I will keep reading other people's experiences. It really helps. ---------- Post added 11th Aug 2016 at 09:24 PM ---------- Good luck to you to maybgayguy, hope you figure things out. Have you tried to tell your wife or is that something you just won't do?
