I had a counselling session today and it has really helped me clear my head a bit. What's been missing most for me is a sense of confidence that this decision to separate is the right one. Verbalising my doubts and fears and some of the underlying feelings that drive these doubts has helped me feel less muddled. I'm feeling at the moment more clear in what's gotten me here to this point in my life. I thought maybe when I acknowledged that I'm gay, that I reached a good point in embracing who I am. But I'm seeing now, this separation is bringing to light, that really I've not fully embraced who I am, as a gay woman, and as the individual I am, with my own particular needs, desires and beliefs and values. I have felt for so long that I'm broken, a failure, that I can't properly give love or make a relationship work. I have felt deeply unhappy in the relationships I've been in and I've pinned that unhappiness on a problem within me. I have also for so long in life in general, but particularly in relationships, been putting on an act, a performance of the me whom I thought others wanted me to be. I felt that perhaps they couldn't love me otherwise. I've also compromised so much of my own needs, desires, sense of self, personal ways of expressing myself and expressing love for so long in relationships and I've not been honest, real, true to me and about me and my needs and true feelings. So much of this is about me being gay and so much isn't. Being me is what it all boils down to. Being gay and closeted is central to a lot of these things while some of these things overlap or stem from being a closeted gay woman. But much if this is about me being afraid in general to really be me. I feel like this session has helped me see so much, and even just helped me tap into some of the internal fears that drive much of the doubts that I'm feeling now. I think that if I can continue in this line of introspection I will start to feel myself reaching a more solid ground. I'm feeling like this is a big step forward.
I'm happy that you're making progress! It sounds like you need to work on you for a while but you're on the right track. Good job! (*hug*)
(*hug*) It sounds like it is a step in the right direction. I am glad it is helping you, and hope that future sessions help you even more. Everyone deserves to be who they are and be happy. Hold your head up and keep looking forward.
Thanks Jjanon and shorthaul. I do feel like this is a good step in the right direction. Jjanon, I think I'll need to work on me for a while, there's a lot I need to sort through. But also I do feel I'm getting closer to really knowing me and my needs. And that's a great feeling.
Sounds like you've been pretty hard on yourself in the past and that your counselling is really helping. I feel quite motivated by what you've written and will look into some counselling too. I hope you don't mind me asking but did you go private or manage to get it through NHS or through lgbt support groups as I notice you're in Scotland too?
