What I primarily want is to be happy and in a fulfilling relationship. It shouldn't matter whether that relationship is with a man or a woman, as long as it's healthy, fulfilling, etc. I know that I should focus on my current relationship, and if we do decide to go our separate ways, then I should see who I fall for and go from there. But, I just can't seem to let it be. I worry that because I've been actively searching for 'evidence' of my attraction to women, that I've skewed the evidence. But, why would I want to skew the evidence? If I can be happy with a man, then that's great because I'd be happy, so what does it matter? Why spend so much time and effort considering whether or not I'm attracted to women? And why does that attraction need to be proved beyond all doubt? Fantasising about women never stopped me from calling myself straight; it didn't matter then. I don't want to work on fixing my relationship. I just don't want to. I don't want to go back in the bubble where I was happy in my relationship, because even then things weren't right. I've always known that I wasn't physically attracted to him, and that's always been at the back of my mind. I haven't been fair to him in this, because he has confronted me about it in the past. I think that we are going to need to work on our relationship, just to be able to coparent our daughter. However, I think it would be unfair to raise our relationship issues with the implication that we can work on things. There's part of me that wants to talk to him about it, and part of me that doesn't, but I can't yet anyway.
In my honest opinion, I don't think your relationship will work. You deserve to be completely happy, and your husband deserves to have a fulfilling relationship. When you're in a relationship with someone, and you're not attracted to them, but instead attracted to someone else, things usually don't work. That's just from what I've seen. I have never seen a relationship last where one of the them was attracted to someone else, and not the person they're in a relationship with. Usually, the only time a relationship like that lasts, is if the other person is asexual, and if both parties are content with that. If you are not asexual, and you're not attracted to your partner, that means you are craving someone else. It doesn't have to be an actual person; it can be another gender. I think deep down you know you like women, but since you're in a relationship, and have a child with him, you feel obligated to make it work. And that is very kind of you. But, like I said, you deserve true happiness. No happiness will come out of this relationship because you are trying to rebuild something that is no longer there.
What you say about "actively searching for evidence" rings true for me, too. When I was married, I had exactly these thoughts. But now that the marriage is over and I'm only having sex with men, it is all so much easier than before. I also call myself gay and not bisexual anymore. I think actively searching for evidence is a form of mental torture because it's never going to end. How do I know I'm gay? It's like putting on jeans that fit perfectly, it feels comfortable and true to who I am. This is a very selfish answer from just my perspective, of course the story of my marriage is a lot more complicated than this.
I don't think it really works now, so you're probably right. Thanks, I think this is a good summary of our situation. Thank you. Glad somebody relates. It is mental torture, I'm not doing it as much as I was though, which is good. I think I've covered everything multiple times! I think I have felt that sense of obligation, which is why I've probably ignored our general relationship problems for so long. As to the other thing, I do worry that I won't actually enjoy the reality, or that's it's just a phase. I also struggle to comprehend that there are women who like other women. So, I feel that no woman would want to be with me because I'm not a man. I can't envision another woman having the same level of interest in my body, that I would have in hers. Does that make sense?
I called myself bisexual for SO long, mostly because I wanted it to be true. But the more I kept trying to make myself interested in men, the less I was, and the more it tore me up. I was ALWAYS trying to "prove" my attraction to one over the other. Like "oh, I think Alexander Skaarsgard is attractive, maybe I'm not a lesbian?" And my best friend would be like but would you have sex with him? and the answer was always no. It was hard to stop trying to prove my sexuality and just accept it.
I totally get the searching for evidence thing! Me too. I've never felt the need to prove I was straight but feel if I'm going to come out I have to prove I like women. Occasionally I see a man and think oh hE's attractive and then think I must have got it all wrong. But those men tend to have very feminine features and I just like them to look at, I don't want to do anything with them. It's not sexual it's just aesthetic.
This makes perfect sense. You are so used to seeing women being interested in men, that you are somewhat convinced that women will crave a man no matter what. But let me tell you, this is not the case with me. I'm even a submissive, feminine lesbian, and I do not crave a man AT ALL. I crave women every single day. If only you knew how much I desire a woman, you would be 100% convinced. XD
So you've been thinking again. STOP! I have often told people, I try to avoid thinking. When asked, Why? I tell them, Because it makes my head hurt & smoke come out of my ears.L.O.L. The truth of the matter is your not really thinking about yourself, Your thinking about what other people are going to think.Not really about what you want or need. This kind of thinking can be disastrous. Take it from someone who has made the same mistake. I spent the better part of my life trying to be the man everyone expected me to be. Worrying about what they would think. Wanting their approval. In the end it left me A bitter & unhappy man. Alone & wishing I had done things differently. The wisest words I ever heard were, "To thy own self be true" I should have listened. There's no point in trying to make them happy if it makes you unhappy. Finally let me close with this proverb; Never try to teach A pig to sing, It just wastes your time & annoys the pig.
